Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

OP - please for the sake of yourself, your wife, and your kids get counseling. Seriously. Whether you believe you're wrong or not - the amount of disgust and resentment you have towards your wife is dripping off the pages and it is not good for your children. If you really care for your children, you will solve that problem first.

[Anonymous]

OP you are absolutely insufferable. No wonder your wife wants nothing to do with you. If you prattle on to her as much as you have here, if I were her I'd want to stay at work all day and night too.

[Anonymous]

OP-- since you are so quick to criticize your wife and her supposed lack of sacrifices, let's take an inventory of your sacrifices and see if they measure up. Please be concrete (your posts are mostly vague without any specifics):

-- what are your work hours; when do you leave/come home? How many days a week do you do drop off/pick up from day care?
-- How long was your paternity leave?
-- How many lunches have you packed?
-- How often do you make dinner?
-- What housekeeping chores are "your" responsibility?

etc. I could go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG!! This entire rant is about how his wife doesn't understand the sacrifices required of a parent. She carried the babies, she went through labor and delivery and HE gets to decide if she has made enough sacrifice or not. My husband was also very insistent on breast milk, our issues were different, pre term babies with latching issues and my milk supply was terribly low so formula it was. Other than that he never said a word as to what I do during 9 months and was supportive of everything like any regular spouse. I had mild Hormonal issues for 10 days after delivery, God if he had uttered a single word I would have packed his bags just because it was such a difficult, exhausting time for me. I pray for your wife, I hope she continues on the path of education and eventually take the kids and leave you for good. You are a piece of work. This is coming from someone who values FAMILY and would sacrifice it all for family.

You see this is the difference. YOU took care of the kids.

My issue is that my wife did not take care of the kids.

And I was attacked on this board with people not believing me. And when I was finally able to prove my point then people attacked my career and the threat to my masculinity. And that wasn't the issue at all. And like I said, I feel like I do pretty well in my career.

The general thought and belief is that the mothers are the ones that take care of the kids. And it annoys the heck out of me given what we went through with the first child.

But as mentioned in a previous post that's all in the past. My wife tries the best she can now. I know some things are out of her control. I do resent when I feel like she doesn't come home when I think she should.

I was mad a couple of days ago and when that happens every little thing in the past comes up. And that's the things that stuck in my mind when I posted this.

But like I said things are better now and I know she tries. I know some of you might feel bad for her and my kids. We'll see how it goes. I'd like to think that there are more good days then bad.

And to a couple of posts up, that's the issue I have. But in my previous post I forgot to mention that I have no control over other households or right to an opinion on what they do. So can only control what goes on in my own house. You know the wine tasting couple? I'm sure they had a similar mentality that you had in still wanting to enjoy the things that they did in life. But my point is I'm sorry, once you become a parent play time is over. And being a parent is more than just providing the physical things in life. You might not be the exact same case as the family that I have in mind. Where the family I have in mind have caretakers that do the little stuff for their kids day to day AND then leaves the area every chance they get. I shouldn't pass judgement I know. I do wonder what will happen in 18 years and the kids are out of the house. And I'm not saying to totally drop your social life. But life is different when you're a parent. And honestly all of this selfishness I see these days seems to be something relatively recent.

Someone asked me about my culture. But honestly I feel like what I'm asking for is a return to the good old fashioned American values. I won't go on my soapbox and talk about how many issues I think is due to a loss of this.

[Anonymous]

GET THERAPY, GET THERAPY, GET THERAPY!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with you on wanting your wife to be home for dinner and spend time with your children. That reflects an important value: Family. But you ALSO say that your wife's job is not secure, and that she has gotten better about trying to work shorter hours. Have you considered, seriously considered, that your wife is in a tough place, trying to balance keeping her job with spending time with family (not to mention work may be her only escape from you, but let's table that for now, shall we)?

You keep harping on your values, of which family is perhaps utmost. At the same time, you disparage your wife for having a different background and values, nevermind that she works AND does all of the cleaning, cooking, etc.

Despite your strenuous words, you do NOT practice good family values.

You are not only controlling, as other PPs have pointed out, but also emotionally manipulative.

You NEVER forget any "wrongs" (perceived or real), and you throw them back at your wife in hurtful ways. You continue to "punish" your wife with separate finances years later because of her "selfishness" in buying a house when you told her not to.

But at the heart of all this: You are simply NEVER wrong. You alone know the right way to do things, and heaven help anyone who disagrees with you. (That is a mistake you will make them pay for, or remind them of, for the rest of their life.)

It must be so exhausting for your wife to always have to be perfect (an impossible standard), and to have all of her faults thrown back at her when things do not work out according to (your) plan.

The reason you are not receiving much sympathy here, despite making an ostensible "good" point about parental sacrifice and the importance of family, is because you treat your spouse, your FAMILY, pretty horrifically.

We have another saying in the US, which I find rather patronizing actually, but in your case, might be worth taking very seriously: "Happy wife, Happy life." If your wife is happy, she will be happier to spend more time with you and the children.

OP, I very much doubt these words will have any impact, but I must try: Humble yourself. Goodness knows, you need to. Turn a clean slate, and focus your efforts on making your wife happy. This won't solve all of your problems (because you have MAJOR issues), but I think it will make a difference in promoting your family's welfare.

[Anonymous]

When I say I'm the primary caregiver after work and my wife comes home late what do you all think that means? As well as I don't want my kids to go to daycare too early?

I'm not going to explain myself again because have already said it enough times.

The one thing I will say is that I understand my FMLA rights and fully utilized it for both births. People are supposed when I used it but it's a perk of the job that I use and why I stayed there in anticipation of the second kid. The reason why I mention this is because it annoys me how coworkers act like it's a big vacation for me. But it wasn't. For the first kid we had the issues that required going to the NICU, which I admit my part in, and then the follow up appointments that followed. By the time we were in the clear my wife was still spending most of the time recovering. By the time I went back to work my wife went back to school shortly afterwards as well as working full time. That year afterwards with the personal and alone time with my son is something that I truly cherished. And I really hate the fact that our second child cannot have the same attention that was given the first one. And you can probably gather that I can be overbearing. So in my eagerness to be a good dad maybe I took a lot of things out my wife's hands and didn't give her the opportunity to do it on her own. (Although it annoyed me a lot at how often she would try to hand off the kid to someone else)

With the second one I utilized the same FMLA time. But my work was such a mess I spent the first several weeks working at home. Another perk on why I stay at the job. While the first couple of days I turned around and tried to take care of the kid, we eventually ran into some issues again, where I decided to let her take care of him. Like I said, I give her full credit for taking care of the second kid and putting the effort in. Also there were issues with the second kid that required running around for referrals and going to specialists, where we were never really in the clear until it was close for me to go back to work.

You're right about me being emotional manipulative and I will think about it. The other house isn't actually a big issue as I made it out to be. I let it slip that we do have a shared account. And my rule is that we can't buy the next home until at least one of the homes is paid off and we have at least 20% cash for the next one. (but preferably as much as possible, I say even 100% would be possible) And I know that's a touchy subject that would anger her if I bring it up. So only bring it up when I want that reaction. Yeah I know manipulative. But other than, like I said when there is a trigger of something it's hard for me to let go. So whenever it's time to pay the bills the thought crosses my mind how different the finances would be if we stuck to my original plan. And yes that was my plan. As long as we lived together and have had issues, this past week was the first time that I ever brought up that our home is actually my home.

As for being emotional manipulative you're right. Another thing I used to do was if by the time I was done doing the dishes and she wasn't home, I'd take our child out until it was time to get ready to go to bed. My thought was that if she couldn't make it in time for dinner she didn't deserve to spend anytime with him. I know that was bad and feel bad about it. (Sometimes)

But you're also right that I realize that a lot of the issues is due to the instability of the job. It's just easy to forget when you're mad or resentful. And like I said I hate it when I can't give the same attention to both kids as the first used to get, trying to heat up dinner, and with them both vying for your attention. So when that happens the resentment builds. When there are no issues, I'm generally okay.

But there were issues building up and if I don't get a release then it festers. So on my end I'm actually better afterwards. The issue is that my wife and I fight back with each other. Where all it would take is for one person to backdown and the issue wouldn't escalate. But the way we are it escalated to that level but like I said, I already had issues festering beforehand. Some of it triggers of issues we had earlier in our relationship.

And even though we are better today as if nothing occurs (unless she turn around and leaves me without warning), I did make it a point to tell her about the underlying issue that I can't let go and that something triggered the memories of it. On most days I probably don't think about it. But when I do remember it's hard to let go. She got upset because there are issues on her end about it as well but I did my best to let her know that we can't change the past but can try to move forward.

I know I have my issues and as mentioned do plan to do better. I know I've had a bad attitude for a while. I think some of it, is maybe planning some alone time to remember what we liked about each there.

(sorry this was long but think it will really be the last message because don't think there's anymore for me to say on the issue. Like I said, I don't plan to argue my points anymore. And I've spent an incredibly long time on this thread even though I said I wouldn't)

Also I admit I can be a nag. I blame it on being raised in a household full of woman. So some of you are right that I am like a woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get your anger under control. You said you had this little outburst while your oldest was standing next to you? Not cool. You pick and pick and pick and pick at that woman everyday and then you explode in front of at least one of the kids? Not good.

I've read all of your posts. Your kids are going to grow up to hate and resent you as much as your wife does if you don't seek some therapy. You can't treat people the way you do- it doesn't help them and it doesn't make anyone like, love, or appreciate you. A PP described it best- you are insufferable here so I can only imagine how that translates in real life.

Get some help for yourself before it's too late and you alienate everyone and find yourself alone.

[Anonymous]

Also forgot to mention being raised in a household of women, I really have no expectations of my wife staying at home. And when I say old fashioned values, I don't mean someone staying at home because I understand the effect that has on a career.

[Anonymous]

You aren't going to get your attitude under control without some help. Your memory is long, in a really bad way. How do you think that will translate to your children? Are you going to hold things against them for the rest of their lives?
You can't handle this on your own. If you could you would've already. Get professional help.

[Anonymous]

18:00 and 19:59-just wanted to let you know that I took your messages to heart.

My head is kind of messed up right now. I'm still trying to grasp some things in terms of my opinions with my wife and how they can be viewed in any other way. (ie how I can be wrong)

But in reflecting in past relationships I realize that I was controlling in those relationships. So I can be a controlling and selfish guy.

And I know I haven't been treating my wife too fairly in other things as well as holding things against her for too long periods of time.

Some of which can be attributed to the issues in the beginning of our relationship. I talked about those issues a little bit more with my wife tonight.

My wife mentioned how I wasn't always like this and I just changed. I don't know if I'd be able to backtrack to when and why I changed but hope to treat her a lot better than I used to. I hope this isn't just a temporary mindset, where I've apologized in the past and reverted back to my old ways. But your posts gave me a self reflection that I never really considered or saw before. So thanks.

[Anonymous]

I told my wife some things but there's some things I can't tell my wife. And also some things that I wanted to mention on this board. I think some of it is risky because I wouldn't be surprised if some of the people were on DCUM.

But I've never felt loved or secure with my wife. And that goes to the emotional need for myself that I kind of hinted throughout the threads.

The etc physical thing I was mentioning was sex. The sex is there and I think she enjoys it but the intimacy isn't.

A lot of the issues is that our relationship was based on sex and not necessarily the way I would've chosen to start it. When I talk about difference in values I also mean that.

The root of all that is that I have felt loved and secure before but got really hurt. The relationships that followed was me trying to control the relationships and trying to force it to be like that relationship where I felt safe and secure. So those girls used get hurt and accuse me of using them.

I got that and realized that my head was really screwed up by that girl. But I never realized how controlling I was in those relationships until now. And I didn't realize how much I crave that type of relationship until now.

Some of it came to light when I was thinking about who I used to be able to talk about this kind of thing and it was basically any of those girls.

After all these years my head is still screwed up.

I can't tell my wife this because that girl is back in my life but not in the same way as before. Our relationship will never be like it was before. And also I don't think my wife is capable of providing what I want. My wife says that she loved me but I just didn't feel it.

I know this sounds gay but I'm seriously not gay. I lust after girls and have sexual needs. And sometimes leer at girls when I'm not careful.

Anyways not sure if I'm trying to be manipulative and trying to garner pity.

Anyways thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you've gotten some food for thought here OP. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

Wow. I'm livid on your behalf and on your little girl's behalf, and I don't even know you. What a selfish person your husband is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

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