Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound freakishly controlling. I don't know how you don't see that.

[Anonymous]

Controlling people always have a rationalization for why they're being controlling. And I guarantee you if this woman was the perfect mother there would be something else "wrong" with her that would require her to submit herself to whatever you wanted.

Moving on...

[Anonymous]

I think the thing I feel most badly about here is the poor two kids, who have been left with a mother who works all the time and spend most of their time with their controlling father.

Poor OP, it's going to take all his effort to grind down those kids' personalities until they do whatever he wants, all the time.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, OP.

My ex-wife put work before the marriage. We moved 300 miles away and took lower paying jobs in order to try and start over. Things were good for a while, but then she got pregnant and went back into overdrive. She was rarely home. I was the primary parent. She never wanted to do anything as a family, but she'd leap out of bed with the flu to go in to work. I took our child everywhere, and spent most of the time just texting pics to her. All along the way, I got comments along the lines of me "helping out for a day." A day? This is my life. Post-divorce, everyone thinks she's super mom and I'm just the typical dad. At least our child knows. Trips to mom's house are usually met with "Do I have to go?"

[Anonymous]

Narcissists always know the right way to do things and no one ever lives up to their standards. And there are a million reasons why nothing is ever their fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel, OP.

My ex-wife put work before the marriage. We moved 300 miles away and took lower paying jobs in order to try and start over. Things were good for a while, but then she got pregnant and went back into overdrive. She was rarely home. I was the primary parent. She never wanted to do anything as a family, but she'd leap out of bed with the flu to go in to work. I took our child everywhere, and spent most of the time just texting pics to her. All along the way, I got comments along the lines of me "helping out for a day." A day? This is my life. Post-divorce, everyone thinks she's super mom and I'm just the typical dad. At least our child knows. Trips to mom's house are usually met with "Do I have to go?"

Hey Superdad, you may want to tone down the negativity re: your kids' mother. Kids pick up on that stuff, you know.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't know if you're still reading, but I know a woman like your wife. I'm sure she loves her children, yet... she neglects them. All this winter she has been sending her two little girls to school in short sleeves with very inadequate jackets. No gloves, even though their walk home with a baby sitter is long. This is a woman who throws lot of parties at her house, so she could afford to dress her girls properly. She told her babysitter to give them anything they asked for, to stop their whining - because that's how she treats them herself. They get very little attention from her, and she's constantly running around for her job as a real-estate agent.

The teachers are onto her though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you even hearing the people who keep telling you how controlling and critical you sound? You have Issues, man. And the fact that you refuse any responsibility except for "listening too hard to the breastfeeding advocates" is very concerning.

You seem very rigid and judgmental. Your job is not to "fix" your wife's personality, workouts, career, or lactation.

I don't have the heart to wish that you two work it out because I think she'll be better off without you. Try not to be as controlling and critical of the kids, okay?

+1000
OP just needs to sit down somewhere now. I feel for his wife.

[Anonymous]

Wait she does all of the cooking and cleaning "etc" and works and you complain she doesn't do enough with the kids? How about you step up to the plate and then maybe she will have more energy for the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't know if you're still reading, but I know a woman like your wife. I'm sure she loves her children, yet... she neglects them. All this winter she has been sending her two little girls to school in short sleeves with very inadequate jackets. No gloves, even though their walk home with a baby sitter is long. This is a woman who throws lot of parties at her house, so she could afford to dress her girls properly. She told her babysitter to give them anything they asked for, to stop their whining - because that's how she treats them herself. They get very little attention from her, and she's constantly running around for her job as a real-estate agent.

The teachers are onto her though.

The OP's wife hasn't done anything of that nature. Her biggest flaws seem to be having a job, getting her masters, not working out as hard as her husband wants (god only knows what his expectations there are), wanting to switch from breast to bottle, and possibly having ppd (sleeping as much as op claims after the baby was born. If it wasn't ppd I guess he's just upset that she needed some rest after giving birth ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's probably working longer hours to get away from you trying to control her. You're being emotionally abusive.

Your wife worked full time, did all the housekeeping, and you called her a bad mother because she wanted to bottle feed instead of breast feed.

Either that or she's trying to make up for your low paying flexible job since you keep turning down better jobs. Sounds pretty narcicissistic and delusional to me. Yeah, I'm doing this crap job that pays "really well for the type of work it is" (whatever that means) and everyone keeps trying to promote me or hire me at another company but I keep turning them down because I want to be home at 5:30 so my wife can serve me dinner. Only thing is she's so selfish she won't quit her job and take a crappy job too so she can get home early and cook my dinner, like I imagined since I was a child. She was so selfish she chose to improve her education and keep getting promoted. Oh yeah, she also refused to kill herself during pregnancy and try to cram 3 semesters into 1 so she could be home to handle all the baby's feedings and cook me dinner after the baby was born. So selfish. And when we go to the gym together she doesn't work out as hard as I think she should. That's not really relevant, but what a great example of her lazy selfishness, amiright?

It sounds like she cooks him dinner, but is not there to heat it up and serve it on time. Poor OP is starving and might to end up in a NICU for all we know!

[Anonymous]

Hi all to summarize and try to reword my points, it's a big issue to me nowadays that parents are putting their needs in front of their kid's. As others mentioned I see friends that go out on weekend excursions or out of the country and have others take care of their kids. Most of these folks would be considered in the richer class.

So when I hear something like what happened with the wine tasting couple it really doesn't surprise me.

I also see people that put their careers and education (and their own needs in general) ahead of their children. And my wife was like that as well. For the reasons mentioned and I know some of it is my fault.

And the overall point is if all of that income worth it at the sacrifice of raising a family. It is nice to not have to worry about money. But at the same time, something like eating together at dinner is a big deal to me. And while it's not that big of a deal as it was in the past, I still do look at the time when she comes home everyday. And to correct some of your points, I wouldn't mind heating up the dinner if she came home in time to eat with the family. Although it is frustrating in trying to get dinner ready with two kids vying for your attention.

And as mentioned we can get by on one income. Where I calculated it and I could handle all of the expenses without her but the money would be tight. Which is why I think that we would be okay without her from a physical and financial standpoint. The issue is the psychological and emotional side. Where the older kid often asks when mom is coming home and the younger one is at the age at starting to recognize people.

And with all of the effort that she put into her career and degree I haven't really seen it pay off yet or benefit our family. Yeah she makes decent money. But our finances are separate and what is required doesn't make up for it. In addition to her job isn't stable, which is another reason that she is looking for another job.

When I'm not mad at her I tend to be supportive of her and her job search. Where we even talked about her rebooting her career and starting in the beginning again(her idea not mine). Such as programs geared for people with her degree but might be internships or not paid(my idea). And I've suggested against low paying deadend jobs which she has also considered. I post on some other threads in here how it's not easy to find a job because I know from watching her go through it.

And it might be okay to work those type of jobs and live that type of life but the lifestyle better be worth it. ie our kids better reap the benefits in it by going to the best schools and get the best stuff. But to be honest, as mentioned I've seen how some rich people and would rather live a more simple life with a strong family presence. (no offense to anyone who values the other way around)

Then to top it all off is the assumptions that the mother is the primary caregiver at home. Where you get comments like, "Are you helping your wife" And this is the first time outside of the home that I mentioned what I feel like is going on. My own family used to say that too but eventually saw who was doing all of the work and mentioned it to her as well. And I've come really close to telling people what I think but always hold back. Like seriously I have a coworker who made a big show about how I'd have to watch our kid for an entire day when daycare was closed. And I told him it was no different then how I normally watch our kid on any other day but I think that he still didn't get it. Although I think he started to get it a little bit more now that I'm a little bit more open on my personal life more recently. But as mentioned, at my job it's mostly the wives that stay at home and raise the kids and is probably why I sometimes do wish for that lifestyle. So I don't think that they understand the mentality of the dad taking care of the kids.

But honestly none of the above really matters as much nowadays. I am resentful when she doesn't come home on time and have had lingering issues. But I know she tries and that due to the instability at her job she has to put in the effort at work.

We had issues from the start and it's hard for me to let things go. So the other day something triggered the memories of that and the thoughts festered in my head. Then combined with another issue the other night where we were arguing back and forth provided an opportunity to let out all of the issues that built up.

I think I own up to my own actions in admitting my part in our child not being fed and also for continuing the relationship. There have been several times where each of us have tried to end it.

Am I controling? Yes she mentioned that. As well as her classmate about her husband who I point out as the only couple from that social circle from high school that has a successful life(in my point of view). But I see it as knowing what I want in life and a lot of times I end up being proven right. And like I said I think it comes down to different values and backgrounds.

As things stand now, I guess things are a bit better. I tried making a peace offer earlier today but we got into again because I refuse to say that I am wrong in any of my opinions or views. There have also been other comments that she had made that I used to let slide for the sake of not arguing, which I also brought up the other night and won't let her think she got her way in saying them.

I think things may get better but we'll see. The issues are there and since it's the past I don't think it'll ever go away. This is why I didn't know what to post in the other thread where someone had a one night stand from someone from out of the country. On the one hand I think the husband would like to know and as others mentioned the guilt would bother her. But on the other hand, if the husband is anything like me I would never forget it and it will always bother me(I only read the first several pages of that thread). Even if we get past it, if something triggers the memory in me, I will get mad about it and it will become an issue again.

I admit that I expected more sympathy when posting on this board. I'll try to think about it but it is very hard for me to see or agree with the other point of view. And thanks again for those that do sympathize.

[Anonymous]

TL;DR

STFU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Wrong.

I have kids - they are now teenagers.



Me too. Just wait until the summer internship applications start, the SAT, ACT, AP tests, the college tours, the college applications, the transition problems, the money issues, the "I've f*cked up my schedule, or I've f*cked up my dorm application for next year" calls. The driving lessons. The car crashes. The boyfriend or girlfriend hysteria. The wedding planning. It never ends.

[Anonymous]

My mother was like this. Took care of my physical needs but was totally absent on the emotional front. We don't have much of a relationship now. There is no mother-daughter bond and I am much closer to my father, who took more of an interest in me.

Its not about being a working mom or a good SAHM or anything. Its about being emotionally available and it has lifelong consequences when you have a parent who isn't.