Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

Things like the couple leaving their kids in their car while wine tasting really doesn't surprise me.

I've been warning my wife that she was sacrificing her family for her education and career for a while and everything came to boil last night.

At the root of it is her selfishness, which there were signs of from the beginning of the relationship. But it didn't really hit me until our first kid came and I saw how often she put her own needs ahead of the first child.

And before you all say it's not fair to ask a woman to sacrifice her career growth, I get that. But I made sacrifices too where I turned down higher paying jobs (and staying at a job that I'm not crazy about) because I knew it would affect my family life. And it pisses me off to no end when she kept on insisting that I accept one of the offers because that meant basically leaving our child in daycare all day and probably would not even have been manageable. At the the time our kid was already the first to arrive and the very last to leave.

And making that sacrifice might be okay but the lifestyle better be worth it. I also often tell her that we work as if we're rich (or upper middle class) but our lifestyle really doesn't reflect it. Where in our neighborhood there are a several homes that maintain a similar lifestyle to ours and they have a parent staying at home. And I know several families that make less income but have a solid family. And part of this is also due to the separation of our finances, which again like I said other underlying issues.

I guess part of it comes down to values. I've always known that I wanted my focus to be on life and family.

Who knows maybe this is just a bump and we'll get past it. I'll give her credit that she does all of the physical things, like cleaning, cooking, etc, and she has made a bigger effort with the second kid. She also started to do more/better with the first kid after we bumped into an acquaintance from her social circle who made a comment that it was obvious which parent takes care of the kid by seeing who the kid was more comfortable with. But the emotional and psychological part just isn't there.

But it is something that has been simmering for a while and as mentioned that there are other issues related to her selfishness as well. It doesn't surprise me at all when arguing last night how quickly she mentioned moving out and leaving me with the kids.

So we'll see. I feel like $hit about the kids though. As it was very important to me that they grow up in a strong/close family and want them to grow up in a happy environment. And normally try to control myself when we get into it but finally lost it last night with my oldest kid at my leg. My oldest kid is overcompensating now in his sweetness and trying to be good last night and this morning.

Anyways some of this is just venting, thanks for listening DCUM!

ps-it pisses me off to no end when I was the primary person taking of the kids and some people would go on and ask if I help out my wife in taking care of the kid.. Seriously...

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

I hope you won't have another kid with this man-child.

[Anonymous]

You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Probably they have kids and let the spouse do all the work, all that "hands-on physical stuff" that is just a "blip".

[Anonymous]

So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

I really do question whether you have kids. The emotional connection for a child begins very early on. OP wants to have a life that is family-focused starting from when the child is young, not when the child is older. I see nothing wrong with that.

OP - it just sounds like you two have different ideas of parenting and priorities in life. That's tough. Have you mentioned marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

I've read your post three times and I can't figure out for the life of me what it is you are whining about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

I didn't say that she had to stay at home. But at least find a job that allows her to raise her kid as well.

And we can in fact maintain our current lifestyle based on one income and I have been willing to either stay at home or go to another job with less income.

This isn't just a matter of one doing more than the other. Our first child had to go to the NICU shortly after being born because she refused to feed him. Once there she got no sympathy from any of the nurses and was forced to feed the kid. Afterwards when it's an issue and she tried to get sympathy from some of her friends none of them could relate to her.

There would be several days when our first child was born, where she would never see him awake. Because she got home too late.

And there were times where I'd have difficulties in taking care of our first kid due to back spasms or a high fever and she'd still come home late everynight and it was just me watching him.

The gym is a big deal to me as well. But I even adjusted my schedule a bit to account for it when going to daycare early affected my kid and the daycare provider mentioned it.

The physical things are easily replaceable. As I mentioned to my wife, I can easily pay someone to do any of the physical things. It's the emotional things that are important in relationships and raising kids.

Anyways thinking about it, I have a plan that I'll probably move forward with. It breaks my heart for my kids but it's for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Wrong.

I have kids - they are now teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

I really do question whether you have kids. The emotional connection for a child begins very early on. OP wants to have a life that is family-focused starting from when the child is young, not when the child is older. I see nothing wrong with that.

OP - it just sounds like you two have different ideas of parenting and priorities in life. That's tough. Have you mentioned marriage counseling?

Yes, but you are failing to understand that the emotional connection is there to begin with and is innate. It only becomes an issue when parents actively seek to destroy it through emotional abuse or neglect - as in neglected meaning not providing a home, food, shelter, child care, etc. Going to the gym instead of hanging out with your 4 yr old isn't going to be enough to destroy an emotional connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Wrong.

I have kids - they are now teenagers.

Too bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

I didn't say that she had to stay at home. But at least find a job that allows her to raise her kid as well.

And we can in fact maintain our current lifestyle based on one income and I have been willing to either stay at home or go to another job with less income.

This isn't just a matter of one doing more than the other. Our first child had to go to the NICU shortly after being born because she refused to feed him. Once there she got no sympathy from any of the nurses and was forced to feed the kid. Afterwards when it's an issue and she tried to get sympathy from some of her friends none of them could relate to her.

Refused to feed a newborn? How exactly did that work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

I didn't say that she had to stay at home. But at least find a job that allows her to raise her kid as well.

And we can in fact maintain our current lifestyle based on one income and I have been willing to either stay at home or go to another job with less income.

This isn't just a matter of one doing more than the other. Our first child had to go to the NICU shortly after being born because she refused to feed him. Once there she got no sympathy from any of the nurses and was forced to feed the kid. Afterwards when it's an issue and she tried to get sympathy from some of her friends none of them could relate to her.

There would be several days when our first child was born, where she would never see him awake. Because she got home too late.

And there were times where I'd have difficulties in taking care of our first kid due to back spasms or a high fever and she'd still come home late everynight and it was just me watching him.

The gym is a big deal to me as well. But I even adjusted my schedule a bit to account for it when going to daycare early affected my kid and the daycare provider mentioned it.

The physical things are easily replaceable. As I mentioned to my wife, I can easily pay someone to do any of the physical things. It's the emotional things that are important in relationships and raising kids.

Anyways thinking about it, I have a plan that I'll probably move forward with. It breaks my heart for my kids but it's for the best.

I don't know what your "plan" is, but if y'all can afford for you to stay home, then why don't you?

Maybe your wife should never have had kids, but the kids are here. Instead of pressing your wife to become someone she's not (because that's just not going to happen), step up and make sure your kids get what they need, even if that means doing it all yourself.