Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

I am going to throw a hearty second on the daycare thing. Also, moms can check out of their families.

My wife wanted to be a SAHM more than anything. She worked part time with our first and finished grad school and was constantly complaining about how hard everything was. The kicker? I did it all. I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, day care drop off, pick up, weekends (mom needed to write) and just basically was a single parent.

With our second, after finishing school, she decided to stay home. I was supportive because honestly I needed the help and thought this would make her happy.

Now, it's another stream of how bored she is, how isolating it is, how stressful being home with a baby is (our toddler goes to full time care basically because she could not handle both kids). It's the most horrific fit because she's terrible with unstructured time and an introvert who becomes a shut in when she stressed (a shut in who complains about being shut in by the way. My pointing out we have gym daycare is lost on her ears).

She's passively looking for work now, but it's just the worst. I still do a massively large amount of work at home, most of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry (nights are spent doing laundry that really could have been run during the day). I actually hired a house cleaner for my own sanity. Nothing and I mean nothing gets done during the day beyond keeping that kid alive. And the second I walk in the door it's a stream from all directions, the kids, the wife, and even the dog (who I just hate).

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only adult in my house.

So, yeah. Daycare is amazing. My second is starting soon and I actually think with an absence of things to complain about my wife might actually do something beyond watching house hunters, playing on her phone, and spinning herself into circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you couldn't feed the baby a bottle of formula?

This. Yes OP, you put too much emphasis on breast feeding here and your child went to NICU apparently just so you could prove a point.
I'm very sympathetic to the rest of your plight, but this incident was ridiculous.

Initially you said your wife does all of the 'physical things' for the kids- what does that mean? If she does ALL of the physical things, could that be why she is exhausted? Or do you mean you both do the 'physical' care for the kids and she is completely absent emotionally?

Well give me a little leeway here. It wasn't me proving a point. It was me buying too much into the benefits of breastmilk and how "bad" formula is. Trust me I know role in this.

But at the same time she didn't put a lot of effort into it or taking care of the kids.

As for physical, I meant cooking and cleaning. Where that is something that I do appreciate her for. Where I know nowadays that's really rare to find. There are also other times that she stuck by me and made me think that it was worth trying to work out.

Everytime I considered ending it, I changed my mind in hopes for happier days that might come and also the happier days that we had.

With the second kid, I had mixed feelings about it. I did have a lot concerns which I told her later on as well.

However like I said, I wanted us to be a happy family and one of the things is that I wanted our first child to have the benefits of a sibling. One of the things I did tell her was there was no way that I was raising both kids by myself. But yet again I find myself by myself with both of them for large parts of the work day.

I feel bad about it because the second kid probably was not a happy pregnancy due to the fighting and not talking to each other during the pregnancy. However even with the second pregnancy she did some things I told her was not a good idea and what I warned about ended up happening.

I had mixed feelings about the second kid before he was born but love him very much as well. And I hate that I can't give him the same attention as I did my first one and also that my first one can't get the same level of attention as I used to be able to.

You all are right. There are other underlying issues and I'm choosing this.

I will say that she is there for the kids now and spends time with them.

With our first kid, it used to be anger me when she used to find any opportunity to leave the home or hand off the kids. Another example that annoyed me. When our first kid was sick last minute, I was ready to stay at home to take care of him (as I'm often the one that does). But she agreed to be the one to stay and take care of him. Later on I found out that she ended up taking him to my parent's house and went to work. My dad had just started a new job (basically equivalent of a laborer job) and caught what my kid had. So got sick and couldn't go to work. And ended up losing his job for not being able to show. (which happens with those laborer type of jobs)

I think a lot of her work load/late hours is just the nature of the job. Which is high stress and trying to meet deadlines. So there are times when they need to meet a deadline and will burn the midnight oil. She gets compensated well for it but my point of view is that I'd be willing to take less money for a life where I can raise the kids. Which I do.

With her school work, I urged her to finish her program before the kid was born. But she refused to, partially because it worked better for her financially. But once she was able to return back to school that program required group projects where she would return late at night. And those were probably the days where she wouldn't see the kid awake for several days at a time.

But when I say being able to do self sacrifice that's what I mean. Where you put that little bit extra effort to finish school earlier so that you can be there to raise your kids. Her classmate planned for that and did that as well.

Same thing with the gym, where she refuses to push herself or give herself at the gym. And that was an issue when we used to work out together. So it was better that we work out separately.

I just don't see her as being the type of being willing to do what it takes to do something.

And right, that's not the underlying issue. The underlying issue is that our relationship didn't start off so well. And when I get reminders of that it will fester in mind along with all of the other negativity. And come out when the opportunity comes up.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't have kids. I don't understand why people don't think his through. It's he biggest decision you'll ever make.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a woman. Maybe he should have married a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I should also add, I know that my wife loves the kids. And like I said she's a lot better now.

The working hours is still an issue but not a major one. We've been dealing with it and living with it for a while.

There are some other underlying issues, where the fact is we just shouldn't have gotten married or at least cut our losses early on.

But the underlying issues are all related to her selfishness, mostly in the past. And I unfortunately am not able to let go of the past. So while things may okay on most days, any reminders will anger me and set me off.

This is a big breakthrough statement and deserves to be said aloud to your spouse in the presence of a therapist. I think you can right the ship with some more effective communication and clearer expectations of each other as parents and spouses going forward. Best of luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

I don't think he sounds like a lesbian. Only men are that controlling and disrespectful of women.

Short story: she had PPD and wanted to formula feed. He decides that she's an insufficiently self-sacrificing mother figure and treats her with scorn, despite that fact that she does all the housework as well as working full time.

You are a piece of work, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to throw a hearty second on the daycare thing. Also, moms can check out of their families.

My wife wanted to be a SAHM more than anything. She worked part time with our first and finished grad school and was constantly complaining about how hard everything was. The kicker? I did it all. I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, day care drop off, pick up, weekends (mom needed to write) and just basically was a single parent.

With our second, after finishing school, she decided to stay home. I was supportive because honestly I needed the help and thought this would make her happy.

Now, it's another stream of how bored she is, how isolating it is, how stressful being home with a baby is (our toddler goes to full time care basically because she could not handle both kids). It's the most horrific fit because she's terrible with unstructured time and an introvert who becomes a shut in when she stressed (a shut in who complains about being shut in by the way. My pointing out we have gym daycare is lost on her ears).

She's passively looking for work now, but it's just the worst. I still do a massively large amount of work at home, most of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry (nights are spent doing laundry that really could have been run during the day). I actually hired a house cleaner for my own sanity. Nothing and I mean nothing gets done during the day beyond keeping that kid alive. And the second I walk in the door it's a stream from all directions, the kids, the wife, and even the dog (who I just hate).

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only adult in my house.

So, yeah. Daycare is amazing. My second is starting soon and I actually think with an absence of things to complain about my wife might actually do something beyond watching house hunters, playing on her phone, and spinning herself into circles.

Dude, you already had your own thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP. What thread?

[Anonymous]

OP your post is too vague, yet you've spilled a lot of words.
What is your wife's Job and what are her actual hours?
Sounds like she is doing a lot and you're the one talking about going home to watch TV instead of picking up the kids.
How old are the kids?
What's your job and your hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Same thing with the gym, where she refuses to push herself or give herself at the gym. And that was an issue when we used to work out together. So it was better that we work out separately.

I just don't see her as being the type of being willing to do what it takes to do something.

Man your thoughts are scattered. You should really go to therapy and work through them.

But read through your quote again - do you realize how controlling that sounds? She doesn't work out as hard as you do, so you resent her and have to work out separately? I mean, that's crazy. So it not giving your kid a frickin' bottle and then blaming it on your wife.

The whole thing sounds like about 18 months of therapy for you to understand how you're trying to force another human being to do things and then getting upset when they won't do them, like she's your puppet or something. No wonder it makes you angry that she's working "too much" or whatever.

I'm not disagreeing there might be major problems with her behavior, but you need a major wakeup call to understand your own role in making these things happen.

I actually kind of wonder if you've ever been happy, because people that think about things this way usually just go through life upset that other people won't do that they want or see the world the same way they do.

[Anonymous]

In other words, it's hard for anyone here to parse how much of this is her being "selfish" and how much of it is her "being a distinct person from you" which really seems to get under your skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your post is too vague, yet you've spilled a lot of words.
What is your wife's Job and what are her actual hours?
Sounds like she is doing a lot and you're the one talking about going home to watch TV instead of picking up the kids.
How old are the kids?
What's your job and your hours?

I'm going to sign off DCUrbanmom and probably won't go back to this thread.

I just became a frequent user of DCUrbanmom relatively recently and it really sucks a lot of time in my day.

Definitely didn't plan to spend all day typing on it today.

Thanks for all of those that sympathized and related or tried to provide some insights or input.

For those that took issue with my point, thanks for that too and providing your point of view. I'll just stick to I have my values and what are important to me. And what is important to me is being there to raise my family.

As you all might gather I did not leave work early to go to the court house like I originally planned to do when I left the home this morning.

As for what do I do and my wife does. That doesn't matter. If you think I just go home and watch TV all day, you missed the point of my posts.

As for my job. As mentioned, I purposely stayed at this job that lets me take care of my family. It pays a lot for what I do and gives me flexibility to take care of my family. And that's important to me. That means when the kids are sick and can go and get them without any major issues. (that flexibility also lets me check DCUrbanmom throughout the day, although today was probably too much)

The inability for me to forget things also makes me good at what I do in my job. So have gotten unsolicitated higher offers but would require a big impact in my quality of life with my family. Part of the annoyance was my wife's insistence on my taking the job and we could workout childcare. But she already proved many times to not able to share the load in the childcare in a way that wanted. I know others might have a different point of view but it's a serious issue to me when my kids stay at daycare longer than they do at home. It was also a big issue when the early hours was causing a problem for my oldest kid.

As for what my wife does. That's not important too. She knows the problems her hours are causing for our family and is actively seeking out jobs with more family friendly hours. Unfortunately the offers haven't been coming in. And she has made an effort to try to come home earlier and does her part in taking care of the kids in the morning and night now.

One important phrase that someone mentiond is, "The family that eats together, stays together" It might be a play on something else. But that's important to me and something that I would like to live by. The happiest day I had in the last several months, was when she was home early enough during the work day(or she might've been at home that day) and I got to live the life that I would've liked after work. ie having both kids fully attended to and eating dinner together, being able to have the kids in bed on time, etc.

I've been tempted to share everything that I did here on Facebook or with coworkers. But since society is geared towards the women as being the primary caregivers, I've always held my tongue and never really voiced my opinions or thoughts. As I can gather from the reaction on here, I see there are many that don't agree. But the anonymous forum provided me an avenue to share my thoughts without making a direct reflection to my wife for those that know her. But everything that I posted on here are things that was said to her today and last night as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Same thing with the gym, where she refuses to push herself or give herself at the gym. And that was an issue when we used to work out together. So it was better that we work out separately.

I just don't see her as being the type of being willing to do what it takes to do something.

Man your thoughts are scattered. You should really go to therapy and work through them.

But read through your quote again - do you realize how controlling that sounds? She doesn't work out as hard as you do, so you resent her and have to work out separately? I mean, that's crazy. So it not giving your kid a frickin' bottle and then blaming it on your wife.

The whole thing sounds like about 18 months of therapy for you to understand how you're trying to force another human being to do things and then getting upset when they won't do them, like she's your puppet or something. No wonder it makes you angry that she's working "too much" or whatever.

I'm not disagreeing there might be major problems with her behavior, but you need a major wakeup call to understand your own role in making these things happen.

I actually kind of wonder if you've ever been happy, because people that think about things this way usually just go through life upset that other people won't do that they want or see the world the same way they do.

Yeah I know that gym thing would sound kind of weird.

It just kind of describes how I see her and fits into everything else.

I know enough people that live the life that I would like. Like I said in an earlier post a lot of this comes from different backgrounds.

My family background wasn't that strong. But it was enough to a point where I know that I wanted my family to be a lot stronger than what I had growing up.

But my wife's family was a lot worse off. It's probably reflective of most of the people in the area she grew up. Where when we had issues about this in the past, I pointed out to her out of all of her friends in the social circle from her high school, there is only one family that can be considered happy and successful (in terms of money and career). And to be frank they have the same issues that I described here and when I told her, it was how I supported the views of that husband. That couple did end getting counseling and started going to church.

So like I mentioned, it comes down to just being different types of people, backgrounds, and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

I didn't say that she had to stay at home. But at least find a job that allows her to raise her kid as well.

And we can in fact maintain our current lifestyle based on one income and I have been willing to either stay at home or go to another job with less income.

This isn't just a matter of one doing more than the other. Our first child had to go to the NICU shortly after being born because she refused to feed him. Once there she got no sympathy from any of the nurses and was forced to feed the kid. Afterwards when it's an issue and she tried to get sympathy from some of her friends none of them could relate to her.

There would be several days when our first child was born, where she would never see him awake. Because she got home too late.

And there were times where I'd have difficulties in taking care of our first kid due to back spasms or a high fever and she'd still come home late everynight and it was just me watching him.

The gym is a big deal to me as well. But I even adjusted my schedule a bit to account for it when going to daycare early affected my kid and the daycare provider mentioned it.

The physical things are easily replaceable. As I mentioned to my wife, I can easily pay someone to do any of the physical things. It's the emotional things that are important in relationships and raising kids.

Anyways thinking about it, I have a plan that I'll probably move forward with. It breaks my heart for my kids but it's for the best.

OP, I agree with you 100 percent. Unfortunately, you did not choose your spouse wisely. Btw, she should've been charged with child abuse for refusing to feed your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to throw a hearty second on the daycare thing. Also, moms can check out of their families.

My wife wanted to be a SAHM more than anything. She worked part time with our first and finished grad school and was constantly complaining about how hard everything was. The kicker? I did it all. I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, day care drop off, pick up, weekends (mom needed to write) and just basically was a single parent.

With our second, after finishing school, she decided to stay home. I was supportive because honestly I needed the help and thought this would make her happy.

Now, it's another stream of how bored she is, how isolating it is, how stressful being home with a baby is (our toddler goes to full time care basically because she could not handle both kids). It's the most horrific fit because she's terrible with unstructured time and an introvert who becomes a shut in when she stressed (a shut in who complains about being shut in by the way. My pointing out we have gym daycare is lost on her ears).

She's passively looking for work now, but it's just the worst. I still do a massively large amount of work at home, most of the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry (nights are spent doing laundry that really could have been run during the day). I actually hired a house cleaner for my own sanity. Nothing and I mean nothing gets done during the day beyond keeping that kid alive. And the second I walk in the door it's a stream from all directions, the kids, the wife, and even the dog (who I just hate).

Sometimes, I feel like I am the only adult in my house.

So, yeah. Daycare is amazing. My second is starting soon and I actually think with an absence of things to complain about my wife might actually do something beyond watching house hunters, playing on her phone, and spinning herself into circles.

Why did you have a second child with her? Why?