Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

I really do question whether you have kids. The emotional connection for a child begins very early on. OP wants to have a life that is family-focused starting from when the child is young, not when the child is older. I see nothing wrong with that.

OP - it just sounds like you two have different ideas of parenting and priorities in life. That's tough. Have you mentioned marriage counseling?

ITA with your first paragraph.

However, the train has left the station. Such issues need to be trashed out at the very latest when a couple gets engaged. They're dealbreakers and should not come up after marriage.

I, for one, don't want children ever, under no circumstances. I make sure I mention it very early when I get to know a guy. Second casual date tops. We both deserve clearness about that. If he's the kind of man who longs to be a dad, he's not the right man for me and I don't want heartbreak on either part later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Wrong.

I have kids - they are now teenagers.

Too bad for your kids.

x 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

and... let me guess... you have no kids.

Wrong.

I have kids - they are now teenagers.

Too bad for your kids.

x 1,000

x 1001

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

In all fairness, it's a good thing that he goes to the gym. Staying fit and healthy is not "selfish." If he gets out of work at 3:30, then going right after work makes perfect sense, as long as he's not there for hours.

Oh please.

Staying healthy does make sense and is a responsible thing to do for a parent. Leaving your child in daycare any longer than strictly necessary is the opposite of sensible and reasonable.

You don't need to go to the gym every single freaking day to stay healthy. Sure, there are workouts you can only do at a gym. But you can buy a workout DVD and, once you've had two-three session with a knowledgeable personal trainer to make sure you're making the right movements and you're not setting yourself up for an injury, you can do the wrokout at home using the DVD as your kid plays or does something else.

Or you can get a stationary bike and wear the kid on your back, talking to him/her, while you use it. It could even become a special Daddy/kid time.

And you can go to the gym, say, on the weekends. Or on Saturday and on one weekday at a less convenient time, when your partner can watch your kid.

If you're interested in your child, that is.

[Anonymous]

Dude, I can't tell if you are a troll or for real.if real, your issues are so deep that both your wife and kids would be better off if you divorced and you seek long-term counseling. Your kids would would be better off with your wife and whatever hired help she has for them. You sound horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, I can't tell if you are a troll or for real.if real, your issues are so deep that both your wife and kids would be better off if you divorced and you seek long-term counseling. Your kids would would be better off with your wife and whatever hired help she has for them. You sound horrible.

This. Seriously.

It is going to take you years of therapy before you can eat a steak grilled by your wife that turned out medium rather than medium rare, without you turning it around on her and blaming it on her selfishness, and bringing up her "refusal" to feed your first child and attempt to kill your second child via maternity belt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, I can't tell if you are a troll or for real.if real, your issues are so deep that both your wife and kids would be better off if you divorced and you seek long-term counseling. Your kids would would be better off with your wife and whatever hired help she has for them. You sound horrible.

This. Seriously.

It is going to take you years of therapy before you can eat a steak grilled by your wife that turned out medium rather than medium rare, without you turning it around on her and blaming it on her selfishness, and bringing up her "refusal" to feed your first child and attempt to kill your second child via maternity belt.

The last sentence would be hilarious if it weren't so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, I can't tell if you are a troll or for real.if real, your issues are so deep that both your wife and kids would be better off if you divorced and you seek long-term counseling. Your kids would would be better off with your wife and whatever hired help she has for them. You sound horrible.

This. Seriously.

It is going to take you years of therapy before you can eat a steak grilled by your wife that turned out medium rather than medium rare, without you turning it around on her and blaming it on her selfishness, and bringing up her "refusal" to feed your first child and attempt to kill your second child via maternity belt.

The last sentence would be hilarious if it weren't so true.

Are you the OP?

What is missing from all of your posts is any empathy - emotionalunderstanding of why your wife might be making these cjoices. That lack of empathy borders on sociopathic.

I would strongly suggest therapy for you and therapy for you as a couple. Even for you to be able to function as a full human and as a couple or divorced co parents.

[Anonymous]

OP: your wife and you have different philosophies. Your wife is set on being a very strong career woman, and your thought is to have a different family life. This is breeding discontent in your lives because you guys cannot, and will not, see eye to eye.

You have a few choices:
- therapy: how do you guys find middle ground or compromise when you have a strong disconnect
- separation
- divorce

Her having varying financial goals (buying a house when you don't) is not something I am used to in my life. You having strong beliefs in certain situations that contradicts her beliefs and you can't come to a middle ground is also different. She isn't going to give up her drive for work, you aren't going to give up your leave it to beaver lifestyle desire.

No matter what this board thinks, you need to figure out what is sustainable and going to work. You are not doing your kids a favor with the frigidity that is going on. And they are going to take their hint of what works and what to put up with from the two of you.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, while I agree that you need therapy, I also feel for you and understand how hard it is to witness a mom not taking care of her kids in a proper way.
I have a SIL like that. She works long hours, travels, brings in a sh..tload of money, yes, but also keeps it separate. My brother is kind of forced to stay in his mommy track job, to take care of the kids and household. She also says she would support his taking on a better paying job, but would she step up with parental duties? No frickin' way!!!
I know my brother has a lot of resentment, he shared some with me. I totally understand his point and I also resent SIL for this, but here's what I keep telling him: divorce is not an option, and the best thing you can do is put kids first. If she is not there for them, let her take care of her career and you take care of the kids. They need you, they need someone to remember their medications, their school performances, all these small things.
SIL grew up in a family where her mom would pawn her off on any relative who was willing to do it, and still she thinks her mom is like the best mom in the world...I just hope that my nephews will not be like that, and will understand what their father was doing for them.
So, I say, for the sake of your kids: try to manage the resentment, put kids first, and be a good dad to them. It's really ok if you cook dinner and don't have the time to play with them at that very moment. Once they are around 3-4, you can TALK to them while doing things, and they can be your little helpers.
I say this also as a woman whose spouse is not great with kids. what can I do? If left to their own devices, they would spend a day in front of TV with maybe one more or less decent meal. But I got what I got, it was my fault marrying him, now I have to lay in this bed. I try to make sure the child gets fresh air, exercise, healthy food, and let daddy do the playing. It could be worse, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, while I agree that you need therapy, I also feel for you and understand how hard it is to witness a mom not taking care of her kids in a proper way.
I have a SIL like that. She works long hours, travels, brings in a sh..tload of money, yes, but also keeps it separate. My brother is kind of forced to stay in his mommy track job, to take care of the kids and household. She also says she would support his taking on a better paying job, but would she step up with parental duties? No frickin' way!!!
I know my brother has a lot of resentment, he shared some with me. I totally understand his point and I also resent SIL for this, but here's what I keep telling him: divorce is not an option, and the best thing you can do is put kids first. If she is not there for them, let her take care of her career and you take care of the kids. They need you, they need someone to remember their medications, their school performances, all these small things.
SIL grew up in a family where her mom would pawn her off on any relative who was willing to do it, and still she thinks her mom is like the best mom in the world...I just hope that my nephews will not be like that, and will understand what their father was doing for them.
So, I say, for the sake of your kids: try to manage the resentment, put kids first, and be a good dad to them. It's really ok if you cook dinner and don't have the time to play with them at that very moment. Once they are around 3-4, you can TALK to them while doing things, and they can be your little helpers.
I say this also as a woman whose spouse is not great with kids. what can I do? If left to their own devices, they would spend a day in front of TV with maybe one more or less decent meal. But I got what I got, it was my fault marrying him, now I have to lay in this bed. I try to make sure the child gets fresh air, exercise, healthy food, and let daddy do the playing. It could be worse, really.

My husband is like your SIL, minus the sh*load of money since at 35 he is still in medical training and barely pulling $50k. I quit my job that I worked toward for 14 years and am stuck in a mommy track job that I hate. This is great and compassionate advice. And yes it will be so nice when the kids can talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, I can't tell if you are a troll or for real.if real, your issues are so deep that both your wife and kids would be better off if you divorced and you seek long-term counseling. Your kids would would be better off with your wife and whatever hired help she has for them. You sound horrible.

This. Seriously.

It is going to take you years of therapy before you can eat a steak grilled by your wife that turned out medium rather than medium rare, without you turning it around on her and blaming it on her selfishness, and bringing up her "refusal" to feed your first child and attempt to kill your second child via maternity belt.

The last sentence would be hilarious if it weren't so true.

Are you the OP?

What is missing from all of your posts is any empathy - emotionalunderstanding of why your wife might be making these cjoices. That lack of empathy borders on sociopathic.

I would strongly suggest therapy for you and therapy for you as a couple. Even for you to be able to function as a full human and as a couple or divorced co parents.

LOL No, not the OP. I agree with you on his lack of empathy. I just meant that it's so ridiculous it's almost comical that someone thinks those things. However, it's true, so rather than being funny, it's sad.

[Anonymous]

OP if you really care about your kids, put in the effort to go to marital therapy before leaping to the conclusion of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Single parent here. I haven't read the entire thread, just the first couple of pages, so I could well be missing something.

That said, I agree with OP that some things are really hard to process when you feel your spouse/partner is somewhat or very lackadaisical when it comes to your kids. I understand that he was astonished and put off by DW not wanting to breastfeed to the point of letting the baby go hungry. I also think it was quite weird that OP didn't immediately bottle feed when DW brushed off the first couple of feedings.

However, sounds like in the present DW is doing a lot more, and two kids will be much harder to parent alone than one. I personally would not advise a split.

As a single parent I really value the time I get to spend with my DD (I only have one); like some PPs have posted previously, I have worked hard to make sure that the time DD spends away from me, in school and in daycare, is time that nourishes her and that she enjoys. The time we do have together, evenings and weekends I spend with her, reading and playing and sometimes just snuggled together watching WETAKIDS.

There's a lot I've given up.

DD is almost 6, and I am just finding time to get back to the gym a few times a week, so I weigh more than I'd like and have carried this weight for a few years. I don't date, not because there isn't interest but because I can't justify the time taken away from DD -- it doesn't benefit her or entertain me to spend time with random dudes in light-hearted banter. I'm not as up on current events and world affairs as I'd like to be. My girlfriends are the ones I've had forever and have stuck with me through these years when I've gone from being a smart, well-versed, dynamic out-and-about single to a still smart but woefully behind, boring single parent whose social life consists of playdates and kid-friendly activities. My home is never as clean as I'd like and I've gone from being a borderline gourmet and hobbyist chef to being a masterful maker of fettucini, grilled cheese sandwiches, spaghetti and meatballs, and smoothies of all kinds in an effort to get my picky eater to consume something green. I used to read avidly, and I miss that as well.

My current lifestyle works for me because of my priorities and because although I miss a lot of things I'm not resentful; I understand this is a space in time and that I'll gradually get back to most of those things. Sounds to me like both OP and DW have some unrealistic expectations and need to work both on their relationship with each other and on finding a middle ground when it comes to parenting.

Best of luck to them both.

[Anonymous]

Is OP a native English speaker? It...doesn't sound like it.