Some people just don't understand the sacrifices required to be a parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wait, your wife works and does all of the house work, the "physical stuff" as you say and wants to have a career and you think she's supposed to just stop working because you guys decided to have kids?

Can you be the stay at home parent?

Put up or shut up...

Exactly. OP you sound like my DH except that my kids don't need to vie for my attention. Let me ask you this: who takes the kids to the doctors? Who lays in their bed when they're throwing up? Who packs their lunches? Who goes to every single parent-teacher conference and stays up late to plan their birthday parties? I'll be the first to admit that my DH does a great job playing with the kids and letting them know he is there for them (when work doesn't get in the way), but he completely fails to recognize that there is far more to raising children than being a good playmate. I'm sure that my DH is more fun than me, but my kids know that I am their rock. Who are you to expect your wife to take on a role that you are unwilling to take on yourself? Marriage isn't about sitting around waiting for your partner to meet your needs.

[Anonymous]

Your newborn had to go to the NICU because your wife "refused to feed the kid"? Do tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

I hope you won't have another kid with this man-child.

Hell frickin' no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this about my husband. People don't get it. My husband is finishing a master's degree which will has done zero for his career, pure ego. He chose to start this 4-year process when our daughter was 1. He's missed so much. But he never misses the gym!! Every single day, he goes to the gym. I had a conversation with him when I was pregnant saying, "Please rearrange your schedule and don't go right after work so she's not lingering in daycare longer than necessary." (His schedule starts way earlier than mine and he's always been done at 3:30). Nope. Never once did he or has he sacrificed that time, and she has always been in daycare/preschool/aftercare until 5:30. I resent the shit out of him for that. He knows it, just doesn't care. He is his #1 priority and always will be.

In all fairness, it's a good thing that he goes to the gym. Staying fit and healthy is not "selfish." If he gets out of work at 3:30, then going right after work makes perfect sense, as long as he's not there for hours.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it was postpartum or the stress of a 16 hour delivery.

But after our first kid was born my wife wouldn't feed the baby. I kept on trying to wake her to feed the baby but she would always refuse and just sleep for a while.

Part of it is on me, where I may have put too much emphasis on breastfeeding instead of formula.

Anyways after a couple of days our first kid lost a lot of weight and was very lethargic.

So required going back to the hospital to stay for a couple of days. There the nurses would force her to wake up and feed the baby until he got back to a healthy weight.

As for the staying at home. Like I said I get it and posted in the other thread about the dad who used to take care of the kids and now looking for a job. While I'm not crazy about my current job the pay is good for the work I do. The salary than can be used to leverage future jobs if needed or at least continue growing on it. And I'm in a field where it's important to stay up to date with the current changes and updates.

And I know that a lot of the things daycare related is just temporary until the kids go off to school but even then there will be concerns about before and after school care. But we can get through it.

My wife was better with the second kid, which I'm not sure why she wanted because she didn't even take care of the first one.

But even when we were at the hospital where the first one was born, there were records of what happened with the first baby. So the nurses and staff kept on reminding about that and making sure the baby was being fed.

The issues I mentioned on here might not seem like that big of a deal but as mentioned there are some other underlying issues related to it.

Anyways I really just need my time to go to the gym and other than that can handle the rest. Other than needing her milk for the second kid (sorry if that doesn't good).

So have my course of action. I was originally going to go to the courthouse today to file for divorce but will hold off on that. But primarily just for the kids in hopes that things may get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it was postpartum or the stress of a 16 hour delivery.

But after our first kid was born my wife wouldn't feed the baby. I kept on trying to wake her to feed the baby but she would always refuse and just sleep for a while.

Part of it is on me, where I may have put too much emphasis on breastfeeding instead of formula.

Anyways after a couple of days our first kid lost a lot of weight and was very lethargic.

So required going back to the hospital to stay for a couple of days. There the nurses would force her to wake up and feed the baby until he got back to a healthy weight.

As for the staying at home. Like I said I get it and posted in the other thread about the dad who used to take care of the kids and now looking for a job. While I'm not crazy about my current job the pay is good for the work I do. The salary than can be used to leverage future jobs if needed or at least continue growing on it. And I'm in a field where it's important to stay up to date with the current changes and updates.

And I know that a lot of the things daycare related is just temporary until the kids go off to school but even then there will be concerns about before and after school care. But we can get through it.

My wife was better with the second kid, which I'm not sure why she wanted because she didn't even take care of the first one.

But even when we were at the hospital where the first one was born, there were records of what happened with the first baby. So the nurses and staff kept on reminding about that and making sure the baby was being fed.

The issues I mentioned on here might not seem like that big of a deal but as mentioned there are some other underlying issues related to it.

Anyways I really just need my time to go to the gym and other than that can handle the rest. Other than needing her milk for the second kid (sorry if that doesn't good).

So have my course of action. I was originally going to go to the courthouse today to file for divorce but will hold off on that. But primarily just for the kids in hopes that things may get better.

I don't mean to sound judgy, but having a second child with a women who refused to feed her first was not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your newborn had to go to the NICU because your wife "refused to feed the kid"? Do tell.

Yes please. Tell us how your wife starved your infant to the point of being admitted to the nicu and you stood by helpless to do anything. Wtf

[Anonymous]

And you couldn't feed the baby a bottle of formula?

[Anonymous]

Because if she wouldn't or couldn't (and by couldn't I mean perhaps she was too physically exhausted, didn't feel up to it, etc) breastfeed, and you didn't offer formula, it sounds to me as if you both refused to feed the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because if she wouldn't or couldn't (and by couldn't I mean perhaps she was too physically exhausted, didn't feel up to it, etc) breastfeed, and you didn't offer formula, it sounds to me as if you both refused to feed the baby.

OP. If your wife loves work but hates kids, why not encourage her to become the breadwinner and you stay at home? That might be the best solution. Otherwise, I'd seek a divorce and find a woman who values children more.

[Anonymous]

Right. Like I said being against formula was my fault.

There is just a lot of emphasis on the value of breastmilk now that it was a big deal for me with the first kid.

Knowing what I know now, was perfectly willing to use forumula with our second kid and now know the importance of just making sure that the baby gets fed.

But at the hospital the nurses didn't care. They would wake her up every couple of hours and force her to feed the baby.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what your "plan" is, but if y'all can afford for you to stay home, then why don't you?

Maybe your wife should never have had kids, but the kids are here. Instead of pressing your wife to become someone she's not (because that's just not going to happen), step up and make sure your kids get what they need, even if that means doing it all yourself. Or, you know, making the sacrifice that having kids demand.

You sound like a piece of work. Why did YOU have a second child if your wife was so awful with the first? Why didn't YOU feed your child before NICU was an issue?

Crazy talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it was postpartum or the stress of a 16 hour delivery.

But after our first kid was born my wife wouldn't feed the baby. I kept on trying to wake her to feed the baby but she would always refuse and just sleep for a while.

Part of it is on me, where I may have put too much emphasis on breastfeeding instead of formula.

Anyways after a couple of days our first kid lost a lot of weight and was very lethargic.

So required going back to the hospital to stay for a couple of days. There the nurses would force her to wake up and feed the baby until he got back to a healthy weight.

As for the staying at home. Like I said I get it and posted in the other thread about the dad who used to take care of the kids and now looking for a job. While I'm not crazy about my current job the pay is good for the work I do. The salary than can be used to leverage future jobs if needed or at least continue growing on it. And I'm in a field where it's important to stay up to date with the current changes and updates.

And I know that a lot of the things daycare related is just temporary until the kids go off to school but even then there will be concerns about before and after school care. But we can get through it.

My wife was better with the second kid, which I'm not sure why she wanted because she didn't even take care of the first one.

But even when we were at the hospital where the first one was born, there were records of what happened with the first baby. So the nurses and staff kept on reminding about that and making sure the baby was being fed.

The issues I mentioned on here might not seem like that big of a deal but as mentioned there are some other underlying issues related to it.

Anyways I really just need my time to go to the gym and other than that can handle the rest. Other than needing her milk for the second kid (sorry if that doesn't good).

So have my course of action. I was originally going to go to the courthouse today to file for divorce but will hold off on that. But primarily just for the kids in hopes that things may get better.

Can you really not see that you're part of the problem? You want her to do all the "mommy" work to the point of sacrificing your child's health, but you won't even step up and feed your kid a bottle? I'd probably have ppd and sleep as much as possible if my husband treated me like a milk cow too.

If you divorce her, you'll be responsible for feeding your kids while they're in your custody.

And why did you have #2 if she was abusively neglectful of the first?

It sounds like you're unhappy with her and your marriage, and you're reaching for anythig to be angry with her about. If you don't like her, fine, but seriously, realize your own role in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both are bitching about nothing and are really just complaining because you feel like you do more than the other.

Your kids will get older and you will realize that the earlier years are nothing but a blip on the radar. Raising kids isn't something that happens the first year, or the first three or even the first five. It's lifetime event. As your kids get older, the hands on physical stuff reduces and the real parenting begins.

I really do question whether you have kids. The emotional connection for a child begins very early on. OP wants to have a life that is family-focused starting from when the child is young, not when the child is older. I see nothing wrong with that.

OP - it just sounds like you two have different ideas of parenting and priorities in life. That's tough. Have you mentioned marriage counseling?

Yes, but you are failing to understand that the emotional connection is there to begin with and is innate. It only becomes an issue when parents actively seek to destroy it through emotional abuse or neglect - as in neglected meaning not providing a home, food, shelter, child care, etc. Going to the gym instead of hanging out with your 4 yr old isn't going to be enough to destroy an emotional connection.

Based on what Op has stated, it doesn't sound like the mom is making much of an emotional connection.

[Anonymous]

I guess I should also add, I know that my wife loves the kids. And like I said she's a lot better now.

The working hours is still an issue but not a major one. We've been dealing with it and living with it for a while.

There are some other underlying issues, where the fact is we just shouldn't have gotten married or at least cut our losses early on.

But the underlying issues are all related to her selfishness, mostly in the past. And I unfortunately am not able to let go of the past. So while things may okay on most days, any reminders will anger me and set me off.