What's the best elder model to unburden our own children

Anonymous
I plan to do #1, near my child if she seems settled in a place at the time I’m ready to move to a retirement community. I could see her wandering for a while, though, so maybe I will just need to pick a place and she will come visit when she can.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.


So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well. My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care


This doesn't seem like much of a plan. This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child? Will payment be involved? Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help? Do you expect your children will do this?


For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted.


I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.

I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person) should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone.


Life has a way of throwing curveballs to folks who think they have it all figured out.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.


So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well. My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care


This doesn't seem like much of a plan. This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child? Will payment be involved? Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help? Do you expect your children will do this?


For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted.


I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.

I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person) should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone.


Life has a way of throwing curveballs to folks who think they have it all figured out.

You need to work on your reading comprehension
Anonymous
If I’m not able to contribute in any way, then medically assisted dying is my plan.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:All this makes one try to figure out what the best model may be to ensure our own children aren't burdened with our care.

Just talking out loud, curious on thoughts on:

- Move into a 55+ community that provides soups-to-nuts living arrangements...independent living when still capable, assisted living when the time comes, and nursing care when the time comes. Thinking that since elderly are resistant to change, it won't feel scary to just move a couple blocks up the street when the time comes, and perhaps these places have a more extensive network of elder care workers if in fact you wanted to stay in your home;

- Pick a community near where at least one of your kids live...or pick a community in a "vacation" type location...either a place that is convenient for kids to visit or they want to visit;

- Maybe not choose a 55+ commmunity...but maybe a community affiliated with an assisted living/nursing kind of facility, so no restrictions on who can live in the independent living area, but again, when the time comes you must move across the street (do these places exist?);

- Seems like once most people hit a certain age, their capability to make decisions freezes...so maybe make a pact to make the move no later than 70?

- Have honest conversations with your kids when say you are 60 and the kids are 30, about your plans for the above?

- Feels like burdening your heirs with real estate is a major pain-in-the-ass...perhaps best to plan to sell your house at some point and then rent? Or maybe, plan to have your house down to a minimalist kind of situation?

I guess it just seems like our parents are maybe the last generation (or maybe it's the boomers) where you either didn't have a plan, or you didn't include your children in a plan...and now things are mess.

Any other ideas so we don't make the mistakes of our parents?


Move into a CCRC when still healthy. Pay the large upfront entry fee so all "higher level care" is fully covered without a price increase (well okay, the only price increase is paying for 3 full meals a day versus 1-1.5 that's currently included).
My parents were LMC, frugal and saved as much as they could. We had to pay the $400K+ entry fee but they qualified for the smallest 2 bedroom/2 bath at a very nice facility. But now they have spent 5 years in independent living, are more social, no longer have yard work or home maintenance, and we know they are well cared for. If either needs nursing care/memory care/assisted living, the transition would happen within a day. The other would be able to visit them by walking inside the complex. If possible, the healthy one could bring them to the apartment for part of day and meals (sometime possible with even early memory care) but return them so they are safe the rest of the day.

IMO everyone should attempt to enter a CCRC by early 70s. Also, should they "run out of money" they will never have to pay anymore to the facility and still get to live there. They facility does not touch SS income. Currently there are 4 members who have "run out of money" all are women 95+ (spouses have passed already). 2 are still in independent living, the other 2 are in advanced care. And it's true, you don't pay anything else. THat's what the high entry fee is for---to cover advanced care and someone living well into their 90s (most people don't and they make more from the entry fee).

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.


I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.


That's all great! But don't expect your kids to quit their jobs/move to PT or less work in order to care for you, once you need more than "just having someone around part of the day".
Most 40-50 yo are not up to stopping work to care for parents. And in home care is expensive
Anonymous
#1 sounds like a CCRC which I would not do. I’m not giving a random company $1M or more to hold onto for me.

I’d pay monthly for AL that can roll into higher care if needed.



Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:We're 63 and planning to sell our home and move into a CCC at 67. We've had several very fit friends die of cancer in their early 60s. It feels like time is running out to set things up to make things easy for our kids.


Your kids will thank you for this! Move when you can happily clean out your home and downsize. You can enjoy all the perks/benefits of a CCRC (I assume that's what you meant) in the independent living for a decade+ hopefully. Know that should you or your spouse need additional care, they will be well taken care of and nearby (in same complex) and the costs will not increase over your regular monthly costs.
Parents being separated in different facilities is a real concern for many--when you need care you have to take a space that is available. But in a CCRC you are guaranteed a spot in the necessary level of care and they hold some for residents of independent living at all times
Anonymous
The young adults pay therapists to emotionally support cutting out toxic people who make them feel stressed. Thank twice about an unpleasant aging related "honest conversation" if you kid has a therapist. It may be the last time you speak to your adult child.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom complained that my grandpa who died at 94 in his SFH did not close down his SFH earlier and move to senior living earlier.

Guess who is 83 and just reinvested $50K in making her house and backyard more liveable (long overdue, and may be partially recouped at resale, but still!)? I asked her to move to my state but she refused.

I think the reason for the freezing is that they don't want to live in living arrangements they wouldn't otherwise choose.

I love the idea of family compounds and babysitting grandmas. I'd love to live in a backyard ADU or MIL apartment and not even bug my kids with daily visits. Except for babysitting if that was wanted. I will have the funds to make this happen if it's welcome.

I have never purchased a freestanding SFH so am fine with downsizing.


Oh good god no to the family compound where you’ll live in the backyard ADU and be no trouble at all! Are you really going to sit alone in your backyard ADU for every holiday they host with the other in laws, every birthday party, every holiday or event? Nope, you’ll be with them. You will need someone to drive you to medical appointments at some point which is really difficult when you are already juggling work and kid appointments. When you need nursing care and run out of resources, you can’t sell the ADU . I guess your adult kids have to sell the house or daughter or daughter in law gives up her career to wipe you. Yeah, no trouble at all.


I will say there is a family near us that went the compound route (both parents and kids have full SFHs with shared backyard) and it seems to have worked well. There are a number of other siblings that also live within five miles, so everything doesn’t fall into the sibling that lives in the compound.

The parent is now moving into assisted living and selling so they had to put up a fence.


Only works if you and most of your siblings live nearby (within 10-15 miles). Otherwise the burden falls on one sibling and that is challenging
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.


So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well. My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care


This doesn't seem like much of a plan. This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child? Will payment be involved? Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help? Do you expect your children will do this?


For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted.


I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.

I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person) should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone.


Life has a way of throwing curveballs to folks who think they have it all figured out.

You need to work on your reading comprehension


Agree. Seems like that PP has a plan, but knows that they need to remain flexible based on what unfolds as they are 46, not 66.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.


I don’t get the $1MM comment…is it different if your mom was healthy but decided to join a $150k per year country club and live it up?

Aren’t the parents responsible for their own children?


I wrote the post about the million dollars. If my mother spent 150K at a country club I would be ecstatic. If she had the mental ability to travel around the world on a private jet and see the gorillas (her dream) or take a cruise down the Nile and see pyramids and spent 1 million dollars it would be amazing. If she wanted to go spend a million dollars on cooking lessons in Italy or drinking wine in France, that would be awesome.

It is just tragic that she is having to spend it in a way she absolutely never wanted to live. She obsesses about people stealing, can't remember talking on the phone to her sister once a few minutes have passed, she can barely walk, barely talk, she has delusions people are in her apartment in her assisted living place. She called me and told me my father called her and wanted a divorce (he has been dead 15 years). She talked about giving her grandchildren money for college and cars when they could drive. We always told her to spend the money on herself and die without a penny.

I would never ever want a million dollars to go toward keeping me alive 10 years not remembering anything, physically weak and confused, etc. It is a complete waste of money. I would never do that to my kids or hopefully future grandkids.


You should be ashamed. Tragedy is not that your mom got old and had to use HER OWN MONEY for her care. Tragedy is that you think your kids or you should have used that money. I have seen greedy children like you and you just disgust me. You keep harping about cars, homes, college for your kids that she could have funded. Well, that is your responsibility, not hers. If there is something you can criticize your mom about, it is that she raised you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.


So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well. My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care


This doesn't seem like much of a plan. This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child? Will payment be involved? Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help? Do you expect your children will do this?


For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted.


I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.

I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person) should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone.


Life has a way of throwing curveballs to folks who think they have it all figured out.

You need to work on your reading comprehension


Agree. Seems like that PP has a plan, but knows that they need to remain flexible based on what unfolds as they are 46, not 66.



Kind of. I wonder how much their kid or niece really wants to take care of them when they are older. It’s easy to agree to that when you are 46 and in the kid’s mind this is a problem that is 30 years away.

The adult kid is also likely not appreciating that they themselves will be mid-50s at that point.

It’s a little weird to chime in to this conversation at 46 if you aren’t providing some lessons from your own parents (whether good or bad).
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.


I don’t get the $1MM comment…is it different if your mom was healthy but decided to join a $150k per year country club and live it up?

Aren’t the parents responsible for their own children?


I wrote the post about the million dollars. If my mother spent 150K at a country club I would be ecstatic. If she had the mental ability to travel around the world on a private jet and see the gorillas (her dream) or take a cruise down the Nile and see pyramids and spent 1 million dollars it would be amazing. If she wanted to go spend a million dollars on cooking lessons in Italy or drinking wine in France, that would be awesome.

It is just tragic that she is having to spend it in a way she absolutely never wanted to live. She obsesses about people stealing, can't remember talking on the phone to her sister once a few minutes have passed, she can barely walk, barely talk, she has delusions people are in her apartment in her assisted living place. She called me and told me my father called her and wanted a divorce (he has been dead 15 years). She talked about giving her grandchildren money for college and cars when they could drive. We always told her to spend the money on herself and die without a penny.

I would never ever want a million dollars to go toward keeping me alive 10 years not remembering anything, physically weak and confused, etc. It is a complete waste of money. I would never do that to my kids or hopefully future grandkids.


You should be ashamed. Tragedy is not that your mom got old and had to use HER OWN MONEY for her care. Tragedy is that you think your kids or you should have used that money. I have seen greedy children like you and you just disgust me. You keep harping about cars, homes, college for your kids that she could have funded. Well, that is your responsibility, not hers. If there is something you can criticize your mom about, it is that she raised you.


You are absolutely wrong. It is a tragedy that she spent 10 years and all of her money in way that she wouldn't have chosen to if she had the ability to choose. I'm sorry, PP. Your mom's bucket list sounds amazing and I bet she was an incredible woman.
Anonymous
1) Do a Swedish Death Cleanse before you are 62. Declutter and become minimalistic, even if you are going to age in place.

2) Sell off all real estate that requires your care and maintainence, except the one you are staying at. Unless the , the real estate is earning for you and can be easily maintained by you.

3) Help ALL the kids for the following. Priortize in this order.
- college,
- childcare,
- car,
- seed money for downpayment for business, wedding, home
to the best of your financial abilities so that they are independent and flourishing. They will be in a position to help you if you or your spouse need help. Practise Tough Love and cut off children if they have addiction or mental health issues.

4) Help your siblings with the above help if there is need and make sure they are independent and flourishing. This will make them partner in the care of your own elderly parents. Again, practise Tough Love if there is addiction or mental health issues.

5) All legal paperwork done and explained to children. POA, Will, Trust etc. Watch out against fraud, keep an eye on your credit report, don't have extra credit cards etc.

6) Does not matter if you financially help a kid more or less, BUT, you must divvy up your estate equally so that after your death there is no ill-will among your kids.

7) Keeo active, keep socially engaged, take care of your health, make full use of health benefits.

8) Have a team of people who can help with the care of your house, yard, cars, home security chores that can be outsourced.

9) Have systems in place so that you can age in place. That could be -
- CCTV inside, ring cam, Monitored alarm system
- Installing an ensuite bathroom in the main floor
- Having a suite on the main floor for attendent, in-laws
- Installing elevators if possible
- Installing a ramp for wheelchairs.

10) Being able to live in a elder community, group living, condo, or multigen household if needed and making the change earlier rather than later. Understand that retirement is not going to stationary living in one place and you just fade away. The retirement plans can never take into account the whole gamut of frequent and drastic changes in living situations that happen IRL.

11) Understand deeply that when you age physically, your senses and mind also ages and u will not be able to make the decisions that you can make when you are younger. Fear, confusion and paronoia sets in too. Make decisions for old age when you can still do it.

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