I don’t get the $1MM comment…is it different if your mom was healthy but decided to join a $150k per year country club and live it up? Aren’t the parents responsible for their own children? |
I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine. |
NP. Nope. One of the kids will do it (who lives several hours away) and will oversee it (which is a part time job itself). Ask me how I know. They will also have to tell parent when it is time to move to assisted living (after updating house to age in place and hiring in home caregivers for several yrs.) Again, ask me how I know. By the time elders who age in place really need to move out, they are beyond their capacity to make those decisions let alone make the move themselves. |
It will cost 250-300k for around the clock live in home care and they will not be as trained as assisted living or nursing home employees. Assisted living (80k+ per yr) and even nursing homes (120k+ per yr) cost much less and have nurses on staff. |
Agree. Why are YOU not paying for your own kids? |
Np. Nope.. the 15-16k a month is the regular monthly rent at some assisted living facilities. This is not paying for extra help. |
Yes to: have your house down to a minimalist situation!
I recently cleared out my late parents’ huge longtime home - it sold in one week. But to get there was grueling and I had the help of another sibling, a Realtor, one surviving parent, contractors, movers and a strict timeline. My parents weren’t collectors or hoarders and were generally very organized BUT I can’t express how much STUFF there was. I did it all: opened their garage and allowed neighbors to take what they wanted/some friends asked for specific large pieces with parent blessing, lots trashed, significant amount donated, some moved to parent new apartment, even more divvied upon between family members, small amount in storage. My last parent died 8 months ago and I have yet to open up two moving boxes of loose papers and photos - jumbled “important” items we cleared out of the apartment. |
Note that going to a 55+ community doesn't eliminate the need for these conversations and decisions. A 55+ community is just a dwelling in a community that doesn't allow younger people to buy in. Those communities don't make any decisions for you. You still need to decide when you need help and you have to find someone to help you and some way to pay for it. Assisted living does provide care, but the residents are more like 80+, not 55+. |
PP above and I should get a blog but my ILs have four cars, a 2 car garage packed to the literal rafters and a full unfinished basement filled with a lifetime of furniture and unfinished projects and junk.
Already told DH that when that time comes he should plan to call a junk hauler, pay a few grand and be done. I will not help. |
I wrote the post about the million dollars. If my mother spent 150K at a country club I would be ecstatic. If she had the mental ability to travel around the world on a private jet and see the gorillas (her dream) or take a cruise down the Nile and see pyramids and spent 1 million dollars it would be amazing. If she wanted to go spend a million dollars on cooking lessons in Italy or drinking wine in France, that would be awesome. It is just tragic that she is having to spend it in a way she absolutely never wanted to live. She obsesses about people stealing, can't remember talking on the phone to her sister once a few minutes have passed, she can barely walk, barely talk, she has delusions people are in her apartment in her assisted living place. She called me and told me my father called her and wanted a divorce (he has been dead 15 years). She talked about giving her grandchildren money for college and cars when they could drive. We always told her to spend the money on herself and die without a penny. I would never ever want a million dollars to go toward keeping me alive 10 years not remembering anything, physically weak and confused, etc. It is a complete waste of money. I would never do that to my kids or hopefully future grandkids. |
You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore. |
Continuing Care Retirement Community
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You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test. That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working. |
After dealing with my own aging parents and in laws, I have the solution.
1. Get the finances and house organized. 2. Medically assisted suicide at 70ish. Certainly no later than 75. I'm not interested in being an old person, and I'm not interested in being a burden to my kids. I'll leave them an easy to read excel Spreadsheet with all the bank account information, my log ins and passwords, and then make a true Irish goodbye. |
Yeah—my mom went through this and was the one thing she didn’t want. Yet she had a stroke and is now incapable of making a decision that we all know she would want. Saying off yourself in Switzerland is a great plan until you’re incapable of doing so, which is, frankly, what happens to most people. My husband is adamant about not moving into a graduated care facility and I see why. But not doing so and having catastrophe hit is so much worse. I do NOT want my kids to have to figure out my care. Hard for them, and, seriously, I’d rather have control over my Plan B. It would be great if I had a heart attack after dinner and mind blowing sex on Christmas, but that is unlikely to happen, so I’d best figure out what I can live with when I can’t wipe my rear end. (My dad does this for my mom. I do NOT want my husband to do this for me. Nor, of course, do I want to spend the day in soiled underwear. So plan B it is!!!) |