What's the best elder model to unburden our own children
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Anonymous
Savage. Their mental health issues are likely due to something they experienced or went untreated under their parents care. |
Anonymous
| My single friend has two adult kids who live in two different metropolitan cities. She bought a house in both cities with each of her kids. Because she pooled in her money with her children, they were able to buy large homes in desirable neighborhoods with great schools. She divvies her time between the two households. In both households she has her own suite so that she can do independent living if she wants. They also have been able to outsource chores because they pool resources. She has been able to help her children, bond with her grandkids and be without the worry of home maintence because this multi-gen model works for her. |
Anonymous
Nope. Sometimes there are just bad eggs. Save yourself and save the other innocents in their orbit. Adult children can also be greedy, corrupt, evil and want to get their hands on their elderly parents wealth and assets. |
Anonymous
If that is the case, then the addict adult child with personality disorders is not in a position to help the parents in any case and feels anger and hatred towards them. In such a case, being estranged, gray rocking or cutting them off is good for both parties. I don't understand why you are so triggered? Your parents were mean to you? Then walk away. Why do you care about their money, home and assets? J |
Anonymous
I'm not talking about addicts. Look back-notice I didn't bold that. I bolded mental health issues. Typically those are something the person is born with or from trauma. Only a vile person would abuse or medically neglect their child and then "cut them off" because the child has reacted to that abuse. Disgusting that you encourage it. |
Anonymous
What is gray rocking? |
Anonymous
Do all these facilities run the same way, or is it really you need to read the fine print of all CCRCs? What are the main reasons to pay the big up-front fee? Is it the guarantee of a place at all levels of care? Is it that they can't kick you out if you don't pay? Are all activities usually included with your monthly fee in independent living? Any level of meals usually part of the monthly independent living fee? I assume there must be some NW test or other kind of vetting they perform, correct? I doubt they would accept someone who can only pay the up-front fee and a year of independent living as an example. |
Anonymous
What are you blabbing about? If the parent is vile, the parent won't care to "unburden" their children for eldercare. That kind of extreme situation does not matter. The advice is for the kind-hearted elderly parents who are functional and through their bad luck become enablers of their children who are addicts or have personality disorders, and then end up paying the price for it. |
Anonymous
The ones I've looked at do require thorough financial disclosures, exactly because they don't want residents who managed to scrape together the entry fee but will have trouble making other payments. My mother's will allow IL residents to move into a smaller unit if they experience a life event that reduces their income (usually the death of a spouse). A few residents run out of money, and they are allowed to stay, but the vast, vast majority outlive their money. These are prudent people. |
Anonymous
You need to read the fine print and make sure you know what you are purchasing. For my parents, there were 3 paths: one with a really large upfront fee and you get at least 50% back guaranteed upon death of both, 2nd with a large entry fee ($425K for the smallest 2 bed/2bath my parents selected) with the guaranteed all healthcare/advanced care fully funded and you can never run out of money, 3rd for $300K entry fee, but you pay fee for the services beyond Independent living. Number 2 is worth it if even one of your parents need advanced care for 1 year or more. If one requires it, the other can remain in the same 2bedroom (or downgrade for lower monthly fee but it's not worth it or required) for the same rates (with the currently monthly price). If they go to memory care, assisted living or nursing care, all they pay additional is for the extra meals for that person (or both if they both go) . Most facilities are 10-14K/month for that, hence my ~1Year break even point. If my parents run out of money (they might around 90), they don't owe anything and get to keep living there the same way. This only includes their investments---not SS monthly. So they can still afford to pay for medicare, medical bills and medications and other basic living expenses (groceries, toiletries, cable, mobile phone, etc). Seems like a good deal to me. We are 3K miles away, parents want to stay in area they have lived for 45+ years. I want them to be well cared for and not have to worry about finding the next level care when one takes a fall or has medical issue. I like that they will always be in the same facility, so they can visit each other daily once one is not in independent living---IMO elderly start to decline rapidly when they cannot see their immediate family (as in spouse or whomever they are used to seeing daily/weekly/etc). Also I know for a fact that this financial stuff is all true--there are currently 4 residents who dont pay monthly anymore. Only a few make it to that---the actuarial process of calculating the entry fees obviously is setup for the CCRC to make money on most residents. But for peace of mind it's worth it. Independent living monthly fees include all utilities(Ac and heat), all maintenance, all appliances (and maintenance), bi-weekly house cleaning, internet, cable tv, fitness center and swimming pool (indoor) along with tons of classes and activities, on campus shuttle service, shuttles to doctors for minimal fees (parents had to use it finally a few months ago---4 hours door to door was $31.26--they wait for you at your appts), and a dollar amount for dining each month and so much more. They have outdoor walking areas in nature, farm to table concept and the local garden to support it. Residents can help with it or have their own gardens. They also have doctor/dentist/hairdresser/etc on site. Not included in your fees, but was very nice during covid to not have to venture out beyond the property. The dining works out to one dinner daily at the buffet restaurant per person and enough left for probably 2-3 other meals each week (breakfast or lunch). They also have a fancier sit down restaurant and that is a bit pricier. There are also people who eat 3 meals a day with it---as an egg sandwich with meat and coffee is $3 from the Counter bar. And if you eat salad bar and soup bar (unlimited) for lunch or dinner it's cheaper than the full buffet. So there are a few elderly men (widowers) who manage to eat all 3 meals there daily without having to pay much more. In reality I think dinner at the buffet is only $9 If you go to care more than IL, you have to pay the cost for 3 meals per day (or rather the added 2 or so). You have to do a full physical before being admitted. They are not going to admit someone who appears to not be able to do independent living for 4-5 years at that point. That is why you need to enter while still healthy. My parents have been there over 5 years---once we convinced them to sell the house and do this, we jumped on the opportunity before they could change their mind. They love it and are forever grateful we encouraged this. |
Anonymous
Im the PP---yes major financial disclosures required. They rarely get it wrong that you "outlive your money". My parents are 5 years in and are still invested in the market so have only spent about $50K of their investments. They didn't have enough to get in without someone else paying the entry fee. The actuarial calculations are normally done well. They rarely loose money. For the few who "run out of money", there are several who pass with only spending a few weeks or months in "advanced care" if any at all. The entry fee is partially refundable for the first 4 years (it's a monthly proportion). But once you hit month 49, you get nothing back and if you have a heart attack and go to nursing care for 1 week or never make it home from hospital, they have made a ton of money on you ($400K+). The 425K was for the lowest 2 bedroom/2 bath. The larger/new bldg independent living as well as the Townhomes/Duplex living on campus (so you have a driveway and garage and can use a golf cart to get to the main bldg a short 2-3 min ride away) have entry fees from $600-700K and much higher monthly fees. So yes, you might not get your full"monies worth" but if you can afford it, it certainly is worth it. My parents were poor/lMC and frugal. They are now living in a Four seasons style CCRC with many people worth millions. They get to be much more social, have a safe place to walk and stay active (when it's bad weather/too hot they can walk miles inside the buildings) which is key for elderly persons staying healthy. As they age, for minimal fees, they can get shuttles to their doctors (safer than an Uber for an 80+), as well as grocery store and local shopping. Much easier to convince them not to drive as much when those services are readily available. But yes, most of these places allow residents to stay even those who run out of $$. Simply because that's all part of the financial calculations. For every one who runs out there are 10+ who hardly use "advanced care" so the entire entry fee is basically "extra profit" |
Anonymous
Very helpful. Thank you. A small point…but are guests allowed to stay in the IL part? If you have a 2BR, are guests allowed in the spare for a couple days? |
Anonymous
yes of course! they also have 1 or 2 rentable guest suites if you want to stay on campus near a relative. I prefer to stay in a hotel when I visit but my parents always ask If I want to rent one of the suites (their 2nd bedroom is setup as an office/library and there is no bed) |
Anonymous
But this is life. My DH was very involved in his mother's care (she died at 100), and yes it was very burdensome even though she and FIL did all the right things: downsizing from house to 55+ community (in their 70s), to a second community closer to us, to assisted living, with lots of swedish death cleaning at every step. FIL was an attorney with absolutely every thing planned for, including a perfectly executed trust and enough money to cover costs (though it was close to running out when MIL died). It was still very burdensome, because caring for someone always is. MIL still needed someone to shop for her, help her with doctors appointments, and simply be there for her. She was bedridden and lonely and needed emotional support a good deal of the time. Here's the thing that our cold, callous, self-centered culture seems to have forgotten: Elderly people need their families just like children do. There is no way around it, no matter how we try. |
Anonymous
I would honestly love to live in a compound with my parents! |