What's the best elder model to unburden our own children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.

I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine.

You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore.

You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test.

That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working.

Have you been around someone with mid to later stages of dementia? There is no enjoyment in every day. It is literally torture. Your body doesn't just one day stop working. It gradually and painfully falls apart

Yes, my mother-in-law has been declining with Alzheimer’s for 10 years and we found the assisted living community for her a couple of years ago. I wrote what I did because I know that my husband (her son) would be absolutely destroyed if she had some kind of weird advance directive where he is supposed to fly her to Canada and give her a lethal cocktail. It’s hard to see her decline but “putting her to sleep” would cause him a lifetime of guilt. Luckily it’s not legal.

Does your husband have a sister? It is not common for the son to sacrifice and be really involved, it usually falls toward a daughter. My brother's wife probably thinks the same thing.

And if he is really involved maybe he isn't admitting it but I highly doubt he would feel guilty if ending her suffering were legal and that was what his mother made abundantly clear before she declined with Alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.

I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine.

You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore.

You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test.

That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working.

This. Even with a test score, I can't imagine my kids flying me to Switzerland so I can kill myself and then going home and continuing like NBD. There are no good solutions, only less terrible ones. My hope is to have enough money saved that I can choose a CCRC with skilled nursing and memory care and at least make the decisions and process easier for my children. We'll sell our house, get rid of our junk, move to the IL part of the CCRC, and let it ride from there.

[Anonymous]

I think the top 3 things I've seen over and over are to:
-Empty out your SFH or downsize. Get RID of stuff. The stuff is all a burden once you go. Maybe 5% is kept and obviously you need things to live, but pare down your keepsakes and collectibles.
-Set up a trust so your house etc can avoid probate. Write down a list of all accounts, at a minimum.
-Have some cash available to pay for bills as things are getting settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.

I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine.

You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore.

You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test.

That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working.

This. Even with a test score, I can't imagine my kids flying me to Switzerland so I can kill myself and then going home and continuing like NBD. There are no good solutions, only less terrible ones. My hope is to have enough money saved that I can choose a CCRC with skilled nursing and memory care and at least make the decisions and process easier for my children. We'll sell our house, get rid of our junk, move to the IL part of the CCRC, and let it ride from there.

The people on this forum are deluded regarding their so-called Switzerland plans. Can you imagine a kid saying to a parent with advanced dementia, "Hey mom! Remember how 3 years ago you said you wanted us to take you to Switzerland when you could no longer pass a cognitive test? Well guess what? You finally failed the test! We now get to honor the request that you no longer remember you even made in the first place. What? You don't want us to take you on one final trip? But you said this was what you wanted! You're not going to know what's going on anyway, so let's get you on that plane." This... will never happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.

I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine.

You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore.

You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test.

That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working.

Have you been around someone with mid to later stages of dementia? There is no enjoyment in every day. It is literally torture. Your body doesn't just one day stop working. It gradually and painfully falls apart

Yes, my mother-in-law has been declining with Alzheimer’s for 10 years and we found the assisted living community for her a couple of years ago. I wrote what I did because I know that my husband (her son) would be absolutely destroyed if she had some kind of weird advance directive where he is supposed to fly her to Canada and give her a lethal cocktail. It’s hard to see her decline but “putting her to sleep” would cause him a lifetime of guilt. Luckily it’s not legal.

Does your husband have a sister? It is not common for the son to sacrifice and be really involved, it usually falls toward a daughter. My brother's wife probably thinks the same thing.

And if he is really involved maybe he isn't admitting it but I highly doubt he would feel guilty if ending her suffering were legal and that was what his mother made abundantly clear before she declined with Alzheimer's.

So in order to be right, you have assumed there is a sister? No, he is an only child and you are simply wrong on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it's like fraternity hazing...I had to deal with it with my parents, so guess what kids, you will deal with the same shit with me.

This is my mom’s philosophy, and I kind of hate her for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.

So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well. My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care

This doesn't seem like much of a plan. This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child? Will payment be involved? Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help? Do you expect your children will do this?

For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted.

I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.

I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person) should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.

I've been looking into this more as my dad declines with FTD. I think about what would happen if I was diagnosed in my 50s with FTD. You really do have to be committed to take action while you're at 90%, and I doubt the majority of people who are being so cavalier will be able to do so. You also have to get your diagnosis very early at the soonest symptoms because once you start declining, you won't have the executive function to do all the things people are saying (POA/plane/Sweden). My dad still doesn't realize the severity of his dementia despite being unable to understand people or communicate half of the time. He thinks he can't remember words sometimes but is otherwise fine.

You need the help of a loved one who has bought into the plan. I have told every loved one that I do not want to live with dementia. In Canada they are proposing that you can preplan and declare if you read a certain state of dementia you can uses assisted dying. For example, once I am at a certain stage on cognitive testing like the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA) Test for Dementia. If I score 17 (moderate cognitive impairment/ dementia) or below I wouldn't want to be alive anymore.

You make it sound so simple for your poor children to have to decide it’s time to kill mom because of how she scored on a test.

That’s not how it will go, at all. You will be a different you by then. Your children won’t have you killed. You will find some enjoyment in every day, even if you’re not as smart and independent as you are now, until one day your body stops working.

This. Even with a test score, I can't imagine my kids flying me to Switzerland so I can kill myself and then going home and continuing like NBD. There are no good solutions, only less terrible ones. My hope is to have enough money saved that I can choose a CCRC with skilled nursing and memory care and at least make the decisions and process easier for my children. We'll sell our house, get rid of our junk, move to the IL part of the CCRC, and let it ride from there.

The people on this forum are deluded regarding their so-called Switzerland plans. Can you imagine a kid saying to a parent with advanced dementia, "Hey mom! Remember how 3 years ago you said you wanted us to take you to Switzerland when you could no longer pass a cognitive test? Well guess what? You finally failed the test! We now get to honor the request that you no longer remember you even made in the first place. What? You don't want us to take you on one final trip? But you said this was what you wanted! You're not going to know what's going on anyway, so let's get you on that plane." This... will never happen.

You can't even do that if you wanted to. The person has to, multiple times, assert that they want to do it and must be with it enough cognitively to make that assertion. Anyone who thinks they are going to take the Switzerland approach needs to read Amy Bloom's memoir, In Love. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Memoir-Loss-ebook/dp/B096XGDWSX

Her husband, having been through the Alzheimer's journey with his parent, decided he wanted to do assisted suicide when he knew he was getting it too. Couldn't do it anywhere in the U.S. because Alzheimer's didn't meet the rules for any state that allows assistance in dying. Was able to go to Switzerland and eventually choose to go through with it but there are a lot of rules in place to ensure it is that person's individual decision and that they are capable of making it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You can't even do that if you wanted to. The person has to, multiple times, assert that they want to do it and must be with it enough cognitively to make that assertion. Anyone who thinks they are going to take the Switzerland approach needs to read Amy Bloom's memoir, In Love. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Memoir-Loss-ebook/dp/B096XGDWSX

Her husband, having been through the Alzheimer's journey with his parent, decided he wanted to do assisted suicide when he knew he was getting it too. Couldn't do it anywhere in the U.S. because Alzheimer's didn't meet the rules for any state that allows assistance in dying. Was able to go to Switzerland and eventually choose to go through with it but there are a lot of rules in place to ensure it is that person's individual decision and that they are capable of making it.

This. You cannot make that decision for your parent. The person themselves has to decide and do it. Out of current generation of elders I don't see anyone doing it. They live in the fantasy land where kids are going to take care of them until the end (many women either never worked in their lives or like my mom retired at 55 and has been retired for 30+ years!, done NOTHING at all and wondering why nobody has time to "downsize" her house and help her 24/7).

[Anonymous]

#1 - Get rid of your house and all your shit. If you do this, your ahead of plenty of people.
#2 - Legal and financial affairs in order. To include, if you have one parent caring for another parent who is not capable of making decisions, have a plan in place for what to do if caretaker parent dies first. Many things may be held jointly and when the caretaker parent dies, it's a barrier in place when the other parent is still alive but can't function. It's not as easy as a power of attorney, financial institutions make this very difficult. Better to get yourself jointly on accounts when caretaker parent is still alive.
#3 - Move some place near your kids when you do #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the issue: nobody can predict the future, so oftentimes the elderly are fine until there’s a crisis/medical emergency.

But we know what the pain points will be once the crisis hits:

1. They can’t/shouldn’t deal with steps.

2. They need a flat access shower with grab bars and a chair.

3. They can’t maintain a big house.

4. Emptying a house and selling it is overwhelming.

5. Paying bills and navigating problems becomes challenging.

6. Giving up the car keys is a battle.

7. Paid caregivers are expensive.

8. People starting with dementia never accept their limitations. It’s a battle. They won’t want help. They won’t want to sell their home.

9. Everyone becomes a fall risk.

The more you can do to downsize someplace safe and accessible and streamline your finances, the better. Being near your kids is helpful.

I could go on and say don’t fight with your kids when they want to take your keys away or suggest assisted living…they just want to keep you safe. But old people never get it.

Wow, this is a really good list and summary. So many of my friends' parents did not get out of their houses and then it was a major issue. My own parents did the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

This brings up another issue. Do you make it clear to your kids that one may get more from the estate than another if one of your kids agrees to let you live with them and cares for you (assuming there is an estate of any significance involved)?

PP here. In DH's family he explicitly told his parents, who didn't have much to leave, that everything they did have should go to his brother. In my family, my parents are leaving everything in their estate equally split between all the siblings. But, they also provided the downpayment for the house that is now my sister's so she got "extra" that way. And the eldercare time is balanced by all the childcare time previously provided.

same for my eldest sister. She was a single mom, and my parents helped her a lot. She lived with them for a bit after her divorce. They provided childcare and financial support.

Her kid is now an adult, and she still lives very close to our parents. The rest of us live in different states, so she bears a lot of the burden of caring for them, and she does a great job. I provide financial support.

My parents and my siblings all agreed to give the small estate that they have to my sister. 100% supportive of this. My sister knows this, and she's also very grateful because she has no retirement funds. Her social security will likely be too small for her to live off of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go off to Switzerland and get offed before I get to that point.

This is my plan too.

Me too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the issue: nobody can predict the future, so oftentimes the elderly are fine until there’s a crisis/medical emergency.

But we know what the pain points will be once the crisis hits:

1. They can’t/shouldn’t deal with steps.

2. They need a flat access shower with grab bars and a chair.

3. They can’t maintain a big house.

4. Emptying a house and selling it is overwhelming.

5. Paying bills and navigating problems becomes challenging.

6. Giving up the car keys is a battle.

7. Paid caregivers are expensive.

8. People starting with dementia never accept their limitations. It’s a battle. They won’t want help. They won’t want to sell their home.

9. Everyone becomes a fall risk.

The more you can do to downsize someplace safe and accessible and streamline your finances, the better. Being near your kids is helpful.

I could go on and say don’t fight with your kids when they want to take your keys away or suggest assisted living…they just want to keep you safe. But old people never get it.

Wow, this is a really good list and summary. So many of my friends' parents did not get out of their houses and then it was a major issue. My own parents did the same.

Yep.

The best thing anyone can do for their kids if they don’t want to be a burden is downsize into a rental with minimal furnishings, ideally in a nearby community with the option for assisted living.

If you haven’t had to empty a 5 bedroom house and sell it, you have no clue how stressful it is—particularly if the elderly parent is averse to moving and in denial about their need for assistance.

Having btdt, I won’t do that to my kids. We plan to downsize early and get everything in order. We will gift cash ahead of time to cover funeral bills, etc. Cremation is easier than a burial.

I wish I could develop a business model for assisted living communities where single teachers and nurses and social workers could live alongside the elderly in more vibrant communities at a deep discount or a token amount. AL communities tend to be depressing. I wish there was a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this makes one try to figure out what the best model may be to ensure our own children aren't burdened with our care.

Just talking out loud, curious on thoughts on:

- Move into a 55+ community that provides soups-to-nuts living arrangements...independent living when still capable, assisted living when the time comes, and nursing care when the time comes. Thinking that since elderly are resistant to change, it won't feel scary to just move a couple blocks up the street when the time comes, and perhaps these places have a more extensive network of elder care workers if in fact you wanted to stay in your home;

- Pick a community near where at least one of your kids live...or pick a community in a "vacation" type location...either a place that is convenient for kids to visit or they want to visit;

- Maybe not choose a 55+ commmunity...but maybe a community affiliated with an assisted living/nursing kind of facility, so no restrictions on who can live in the independent living area, but again, when the time comes you must move across the street (do these places exist?);

- Seems like once most people hit a certain age, their capability to make decisions freezes...so maybe make a pact to make the move no later than 70?

- Have honest conversations with your kids when say you are 60 and the kids are 30, about your plans for the above?

- Feels like burdening your heirs with real estate is a major pain-in-the-ass...perhaps best to plan to sell your house at some point and then rent? Or maybe, plan to have your house down to a minimalist kind of situation?

I guess it just seems like our parents are maybe the last generation (or maybe it's the boomers) where you either didn't have a plan, or you didn't include your children in a plan...and now things are mess.

Any other ideas so we don't make the mistakes of our parents?

What are your end of life decisions? Do you have a DNR in place?