What's the best elder model to unburden our own children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My plan is #1.

We did that for my mom and it worked out well.

We added paid visitors who took her out to lunch/run errands 2-5 times a week.

This is the best approach. Don’t underestimate the need for
additional paid help, even if they are in an assisted living or nursing home costing thousands a month, and even if you and/or siblings are visiting regularly. You always will need or want extra help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

This brings up another issue. Do you make it clear to your kids that one may get more from the estate than another if one of your kids agrees to let you live with them and cares for you (assuming there is an estate of any significance involved)?

I'm not the person you quoted.
But I think that's the wrong way to go about it (one adult child getting a higher amount of the estate) and can cause resentment among the siblings. I feel it's far more equitable and palatable to pay the adult child doing the caregiving while it is happening.

What if, by the time the estate is settled, most of the money is gone? The kid that did all the caregiving will feel shortchanged.

Even if there is a substantial amount left, after the death, while emotions are running so high, is not a good time to unequally share the estate. That's bound to cause resentment How would they decide how to divide it? A percentage? A flat sum? A specific item (property, jewelry etc.?)

Pay for services rendered as you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are closing an estate right now and it's not something I don't want my kids to have to do. I will have as few possessions as possible except an investment account that will have a beneficiary.
I'm moving abroad where eldercare is much cheaper and social services are great. Not a punishment; I want to move there.
I will not burden my kids with real estate, burial, or anything else that takes their time and effort.
Before I disappear abroad in about 25 years, I want to be able to watch my grand-kids for free if parents need help.
Ofcourse updating my plans as time passes.
I'm not into 55+ communities. I want to see and meet people of all ages. I'm fine in a small condo.

Where abroad? I also want to be around to help with grand kids etc.

No to 55+ communities too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go off to Switzerland and get offed before I get to that point.

This.

This this this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan is #1.

We did that for my mom and it worked out well.

We added paid visitors who took her out to lunch/run errands 2-5 times a week.

This is the best approach. Don’t underestimate the need for
additional paid help, even if they are in an assisted living or nursing home costing thousands a month, and even if you and/or siblings are visiting regularly. You always will need or want extra help.

Curious then about why it isn't better to plan to live in your own house and pay for 24/7 live-in help (or is it 16 hours a day?).

If you are going to have spend a ton on paid help anyway, why not just decide to move to a place where you can live on one floor (ranch or at least main bedroom and bath on first floor) vs. paying a ton for the facility + paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

This brings up another issue. Do you make it clear to your kids that one may get more from the estate than another if one of your kids agrees to let you live with them and cares for you (assuming there is an estate of any significance involved)?

I'm not the person you quoted.
But I think that's the wrong way to go about it (one adult child getting a higher amount of the estate) and can cause resentment among the siblings. I feel it's far more equitable and palatable to pay the adult child doing the caregiving while it is happening.

What if, by the time the estate is settled, most of the money is gone? The kid that did all the caregiving will feel shortchanged.

Even if there is a substantial amount left, after the death, while emotions are running so high, is not a good time to unequally share the estate. That's bound to cause resentment How would they decide how to divide it? A percentage? A flat sum? A specific item (property, jewelry etc.?)

Pay for services rendered as you go.

You bring up a good point...just make it a financial transaction while care is given.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your will is airtight and you have POA.
Make sure your kids know where to find all of the documents in case of death with clear instructions on what to do next, where to find all investments, bank accounts, etc.
Swedish death clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan is #1.

We did that for my mom and it worked out well.

We added paid visitors who took her out to lunch/run errands 2-5 times a week.

This is the best approach. Don’t underestimate the need for
additional paid help, even if they are in an assisted living or nursing home costing thousands a month, and even if you and/or siblings are visiting regularly. You always will need or want extra help.

Curious then about why it isn't better to plan to live in your own house and pay for 24/7 live-in help (or is it 16 hours a day?).

If you are going to have spend a ton on paid help anyway, why not just decide to move to a place where you can live on one floor (ranch or at least main bedroom and bath on first floor) vs. paying a ton for the facility + paid help.

Ususally cost is a factor.

Paid in-home 24/7 help is about $24K per month (at roughly $35/hour)…assuming no nursing-level care needed.

This kind of help plus medication management plus room/board in an assisted living community is only $10-12K/month. Maaayyybe $15-16 K if it’s super nice!
Again—that includes food, apartment, housekeeping, caregiver assistance, Med management, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan is #1.

We did that for my mom and it worked out well.

We added paid visitors who took her out to lunch/run errands 2-5 times a week.

This is the best approach. Don’t underestimate the need for
additional paid help, even if they are in an assisted living or nursing home costing thousands a month, and even if you and/or siblings are visiting regularly. You always will need or want extra help.

Curious then about why it isn't better to plan to live in your own house and pay for 24/7 live-in help (or is it 16 hours a day?).

If you are going to have spend a ton on paid help anyway, why not just decide to move to a place where you can live on one floor (ranch or at least main bedroom and bath on first floor) vs. paying a ton for the facility + paid help.

Honestly, most people need the sake of their assets (home) to pay for the cost of assisted living care.
In-home care in your own home is much more expensive. As in…an increase of $10-15,000 per month!

[Anonymous]

Sale not sake

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan is #1.

We did that for my mom and it worked out well.

We added paid visitors who took her out to lunch/run errands 2-5 times a week.

This is the best approach. Don’t underestimate the need for
additional paid help, even if they are in an assisted living or nursing home costing thousands a month, and even if you and/or siblings are visiting regularly. You always will need or want extra help.

Curious then about why it isn't better to plan to live in your own house and pay for 24/7 live-in help (or is it 16 hours a day?).

If you are going to have spend a ton on paid help anyway, why not just decide to move to a place where you can live on one floor (ranch or at least main bedroom and bath on first floor) vs. paying a ton for the facility + paid help.

Ususally cost is a factor.

Paid in-home 24/7 help is about $24K per month (at roughly $35/hour)…assuming no nursing-level care needed.

This kind of help plus medication management plus room/board in an assisted living community is only $10-12K/month. Maaayyybe $15-16 K if it’s super nice!
Again—that includes food, apartment, housekeeping, caregiver assistance, Med management, etc.

Interesting…so how many hours of extra help are you paying for…or does your $16k per month include paying for the extra help?

[Anonymous]

Downsize and just keep the essentials.
Consolidate your financial accounts.
Set up autopay for all of your bills.
Keep a file for each account and file your monthly statements,
Keep a file with your taxes for the past 7 years.
Get an updated POA.
Purchase your burial plot and document what you want your funeral to look like.
Put it all in a trust.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think about this a lot, because I am a caregiver to a severely disabled spouse. I assume he'll pass before me... and then who will take care of me if I need help?

Here are my random thoughts:

Most people want to live independently because they want control over their daily schedule. They want to eat dinner when they want, not when the cafeteria/meal service is serving dinner.

You can outsource a lot of your daily care needs, if necessary, as long as you have use of your hands and mind. Meals can be ordered and delivered - just open up and heat. You can hire someone to take out your garbage and clean your house, do your laundry. You can even hire a company to take care of your house if needed -- all cheaper than moving into assisted living.

You can hire a companion, get help from a friend neighbor or family member, with a lot of the smaller stuff.

The expensive part of care happens when you have trouble with the big stuff, the stuff beyond what a neighbor or friend can help with, and stuff you'd rather your kids not have to deal with:

- toileting (getting on and off, not falling, able to take clothes off and on, and wiping
- showering and bathing
- getting yourself dressed in the AM and undressed at night.
- actually taking medication (touching it and putting it in your mouth) - even aides aren't supposed to do that for you. They can remind you but they need a special certification or need to be an RN to handle medication.
- staying on top of medication reorders
- complicated trips to multiple doctors.
- fall risk
- tranferring to wheelchair from bed
- difficulty feeding yourself

A few of these can be postponed if you move somewhere very accessible or if you renovate your house to be super accessible.

Put in a first floor "en suite" bathroom with a walk in/roll in shower and multiple safety bars, as well as a tolet with a bidet.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely I will choose to go to Switzerland or hopefully in a least one state in the United States aid in dying will be available for everyone who wants it.

Seeing both my mother and aunt live with dementia has been awful. Both my cousin and I are bearing the brunt of the work while we both have one semi-supported sibling and one estranged sibling who won't help out or visit because they are too busy. It has broken apart our family. I don't want that to happen to my kids. I have no desire to live with dementia and experience that nightmare.

I also don't want to burn through 1 million dollars that my mother will have used by the time she dies. She is now on year 7 with seemingly no end in sight. She is eventually going to end up spending all her money and ending up in a state run nursing home. She has five grandchildren who could have used that money for graduate school, a down payment on a house, etc. I would much rather any grandchildren have that opportunity and advantage.

Meaning what exactly…that as soon as you receive the first diagnosis of dementia but are still 90% with it you will get on a plane?

Just trying to understand what anyone practically is saying when you post this.