Reply to What's the best elder model to unburden our own children

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, [b]but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible.[/b] I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.[/quote]

So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself?  Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time?  Will you be in any condition to even make that call?  Will your family be close by?
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In the first place, not all elders become incapable of self-care and the majority don’t live in care communities. But it’s always a possibility that one will have a bad decline. [b]If I need minor help, my niece and one of my children will want to help, and I will hire help as well.[/b] My other children may or may not choose to help very much. They are very American, less dedicated to extended family. Perhaps that will change 20 or 30 years from now, but I don’t expect it. Part of the key is maintaining communication and having backup plans ready. What will happen if my niece has a child with special needs or some other toll that must come first? It’s important for any family to have contingency plans.

Now if I end up with a dementia diagnosis or some other horrific disease, I am fortunate to be a dual citizen and will have access to MAID (those of you planning to “go to Switzerland,” it’s not always so simple, especially if you only have American citizenship). If I am diagnosed with something that’s a fast finish, I will choose hospice care[/quote]

This doesn't seem like much of a plan.  This sounds like the "plan" our current parents also have, which means there is no plan, but rather the concepts of a plan.

Have you worked out an explicit arrangement with your niece or child?  Will payment be involved?  Have you interviewed agencies or have any idea as to how to hire help?  Do you expect your children will do this?

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For context, I still have an older elementary child at home. This thread was about how to approach aging without “burdening.” It would be very premature for me to interview agencies or have a nuts and bolts agreement with family members. I’ve cared for most of the elders in my family, so yes, I know how to talk to agencies. 😂 Yes, my niece and adult child have expressed their desire and commitment to helping when I age. I have my priorities and responsibilities and as things change in the future we will do our best to prepare and plan with contingencies. Barring some horrific accident, I won’t even begin to need help for 20-30 years at the earliest. And possibly not then. Some in my family live into their late 90s in their own homes with extremely minimal help. Nevertheless, I will make plans with my family, and revise them as things change.

Most people my age aren’t thinking about aging plans at all yet. Sorry you’re so pissed at your parents but your snide remarks are unwarranted. [/quote]

I’m not pissed…it’s just you keep commenting that you have no plan.

I don’t know why you keep posting this way, but simply pointing out you have the same “plan” that our own parents have…which is no plan…doesn’t progress the conversation.

I don’t quite get how old you are with both an adult child and elementary school child…unclear if you had the adult very young and are in your early 40s or not.

The whole point of this thread is based on people actually giving some thought to all of this, which you even admit you have not.[/quote]
I do have a plan, and I have given great thought to it, much more than most people who are 46 years old. I married young and had  children who have graduated college, plus one who went straight into business and is successful. Then we were blessed with a baby later in life who is now on ES.

My basic plan is to realistically change my home to accommodate aging in place, and to be disciplined with maintaining health that is within my control. Muscle mass, balance, and brain stimulation are essential factors to prioritize in staying in one’s home. Having been the carer for so many, I have a good idea of the steps I should take and the contingency plans I should make. My family will have a collaborative, respectful process- the DCUM/American idea that everyone ages the same way and should go into a facility is not our way. And it’s not my way.

I’m a dual citizen and have the realistic and valued option of ending my life if I have a dementia diagnosis or something else horrific. I will say again to those or you who are American, this is not so easy for you. And for me, it means I will have to take that step while I am still competent. I can’t designate ok when I lose this function, put me down. There is a trade off for the autonomy, I also have to give up some time.

My estate is well planned and revised as necessary, and the necessary steps taken should something unexpected happen while I am still young. Every parent (well every person)  should have this anyway.

It would be foolish to have a too detailed plan at 46. Should I remodel now? That’s crazy. It looks like I will be able to stay where I am, but it’s possible that my family might need/want me to move. Having a plan that is flexible and age appropriate is not the same thing as *not having a plan*

The answer to OP’s question remains, “It depends.” What are the values, financials, and particular circumstances of the family and the parents? If your children will care for you, communication before things are messy is necessary. If your children will just be visitors, then where will you want to be? Can you afford it? In all cases, what contingency plans do you have. Finally, working on remaining flexible (yes- not all elders are rigid monsters!) will help everyone. [/quote]

Life has a way of throwing curveballs to folks who think they have it all figured out.[/quote]
You need to work on your reading comprehension [/quote]

Agree. Seems like that PP has a plan, but knows that they need to remain flexible based on what unfolds as they are 46, not 66. [/quote]

Kind of.  I wonder how much their kid or niece really wants to take care of them when they are older.  It’s easy to agree to that when you are 46 and in the kid’s mind this is a problem that is 30 years away.

The adult kid is also likely not appreciating that they themselves will be mid-50s at that point.

It’s a little weird to chime in to this conversation at 46 if you aren’t providing some lessons from your own parents (whether good or bad).
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