What's the best elder model to unburden our own children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go off to Switzerland and get offed before I get to that point.

This.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand these “it was awful for me so I’m going to make it the same for my kids” posters. I’m an elder millennial and see the absolute hell that piss poor planning, denial, and inability to face death puts on adult children. I will do ANYTHING to make sure my kids don’t go thru that.

OP, I like your list - and also option 1. A later poster who mentioned POAs is also spot on. And yes, I think 25-30 is a good time to discuss with children, based on the child of course. One of my parents has done all this, plus downsized and I’m so very thankful.

[Anonymous]

There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.

[Anonymous]

First of all "our" parents didn't make mistakes. Not really. We thought they did, at the time. The end showed us - no amount of planning mattered. It didn't really matter. In our case, the well-parent died first. As angry as I got, when I was younger, at my Mom for not-making-plans, in the end, planning would not have mattered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no single answer; it depends on finances, relationships, location. Conversations and planning with a good estate attorney are important. Having contingency plans is important. Being realistic about what people will actually do is important. If you have a child that is distant they probably are not going to be a significant part of your life as you age.

I hate senior living communities and will do everything I can to avoid it. It’s quite a ways off for me, but I will make my home as appropriate for aging in place as possible. I also know how important it is to remain active physically and mentally. Maintaining my independence is very important to me, so that’s a major priority for me.

I update my estate plan as needed and have made choices to minimize tax, minimize labor, and minimize decision making (including my final arrangements).

One thing I have done as I’ve taken care of elders is write letters to myself. I’ve taken note of the things that were very difficult for me as a caretaker, things that I really wished my family member had done differently, and things that worked. As I’m aging, I hope those letters will help me remember lessons learned from the caretaking side of the fence.

So...what is the plan when you can no longer reasonably care for yourself? Will you interview various in-home agencies when you are relatively capable and then have that lined up at the appropriate time? Will you be in any condition to even make that call? Will your family be close by?

[Anonymous]

For all favoring Option 1...do you find somewhere close to one of your kids to pursue Option 1...or pick a place at the beach or near a ski resort or somewhere that you would love to spend your final years (and your kids would want to vacation even if you weren't there)?

I would say you do this where your kids grew up, but that assumes where you currently live is legitimately an interesting place.

I guess if you move near one of your kids you plan to help that kid with babysitting and what not while you are in independent living as some kind of quid pro quo so to speak?

[Anonymous]

Please don't use 55+ to describe something that provides everything on the spectrum from independent living to skilled nursing and memory care. That's a continuing care retirement community or a lifeplan community. 55+ is just age-restricted living with amenities geared toward the middle-aged and active elderly.

[Anonymous]

(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

Ooh-wee!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go off to Switzerland and get offed before I get to that point.

This.

If I could write it in my estate plan now, I would. Dogs meet a more humane and than most humans. I would talk about it with my kids, actually to some degree I already do. I really don't want to be dependent on other people, I'd rather be dead.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you gave solid options. The only thing I will add is save as much money as you can to pay for your care. My mom needed a lot of caregiving in the last 5 years of her life, but fortunately she had the savings to pay for it. LTC insurance won't cut it. You need to have cash on hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you gave solid options. The only thing I will add is save as much money as you can to pay for your care. My mom needed a lot of caregiving in the last 5 years of her life, but fortunately she had the savings to pay for it. LTC insurance won't cut it. You need to have cash on hand.

The question is...while you are still reasonably with it do you tell your kids that in no universe do they reach into their pockets to pay, even if it means you go to a Medicaid facility? Even put something in writing so you can't "forget"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

This brings up another issue. Do you make it clear to your kids that one may get more from the estate than another if one of your kids agrees to let you live with them and cares for you (assuming there is an estate of any significance involved)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) start downsizing as soon as your kids have launched and you know you don't need all this stuff any more. A house is one thing, a house full of stuff that's 20-30 years old is another.
(2) exercise. Take care of your health. Don't overeat, keep mentally active.
(3) I honestly don't think kids will be interested in caring for parents in the future. Just like many of them got sent to daycares, old people will have theirs. With current mobility it's unlikely for kids to live close by or even on the same continent. Make your plans as if you don't have kids.

I do think there is something to this. My sister has been point person on caring for my parents (rest of siblings live in distant cities) and now mom lives with her. But my parents were also very hands-on grandparents who helped her a ton over the years with childcare and navigating a difficult divorce. She and her kids are super close with my parents and there was no question that of course mom would live with her after my dad died. We other siblings help as we can and visit regularly. I saw the same dynamic with DH's family -- his brother stayed in their hometown, lived on the same street as his parents, grandparents were the primary childcare and grandpa moved in with the kids after his wife died.

If you want your children to care for you when you are old, it helps to be involved and helpful for them when you can. I definitely want to do that for my kids/grandkids.

This brings up another issue. Do you make it clear to your kids that one may get more from the estate than another if one of your kids agrees to let you live with them and cares for you (assuming there is an estate of any significance involved)?

PP here. In DH's family he explicitly told his parents, who didn't have much to leave, that everything they did have should go to his brother. In my family, my parents are leaving everything in their estate equally split between all the siblings. But, they also provided the downpayment for the house that is now my sister's so she got "extra" that way. And the eldercare time is balanced by all the childcare time previously provided.