Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

I am not sure what’s going on with you. I guess that if you really wanted to try to get past it, I would start with the one positive you mentioned, which is that he financially supports you and your children. So, I would tell him that I appreciate how hard he works to support you and the kids, and have the kids thank him whenever he buys something special or expensive.

Your daughter is 1/2 your husband, so saying kind things about him will probably increase her sense of self worth, rather than decrease it. I’m not saying that you validate him shouting or being mean, but pointing out the positive things he does is only going to be a net positive for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

Doesnt sound like your husband sucks at all. And self-preservation strategies? Put on your big girl panties. Your husband provides for the family and treats you respectfully. if you need self preservation from that, God help you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im not sure if I want to divorce my DH or not. Probably. We are in counseling. However one thing that I have done that I don’t see mentioned above is sleep with another man. I highly recommend it. Im not in love with this guy and am nowhere deluded enough to think that he is the one for me, we belong together, etc. We are both clearly two walking red flags. However, male attention is nice, as is sex (DH and I havent had sex in years).

Where did you find this other man? I would love an AP and do think this might help with my resentment. DH has cheated in the past, so I’m not even too concerned about what would happen if I got caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start quietly putting butter in everything he eats or drinks. A lot of butter then after a few years of this suggest you both take up jogging or wait for the next heat wave, grease the roof and send him up there to check for animal incursions.

Keep feeding him artery busting foods, repeat with the increasingly strenuous activities. Maybe throw in some marathon shagging sessions.

Repeat until he keels over. When he does only pretend to call the paramedics. Sit back and graciously accept the sympathy casseroles sure to follow.

When the heat cools, collect the insurance, sell the McCraftman and move to FIJI. Take a lover and breathe.

Great plan! I know my husband is living until 100 though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not from personal experience, but from watching my parents' marriage. The key I think is to fight as much as you can the growing sense of resentment. I think it ruined my mom's life more so than the legitimately messed up behavior of my dad (checked out and focused on himself, is how I'd describe it; no cheating/drugs/violence).

The thing is, the resentment made him more checked out and made their marriage absolutely miserable, until my mom died in her early 60s.

Of course, the HOW of killing off resentment is the million-dollar question. You have to practice radical acceptance, seeing things for what they are instead of what they should be. You have to give up control. You have to let some things go. And you absolutely have to do things for yourself, be more selfish, be more direct about what you want, and not expect any emotional support. Find emotional support among friends.

Resentment made him more checked out.

BS.

Resentment called him out and the narcissist unmasked entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

A friend in your situation travels every 12 weeks. She visits friends and relatives for a weekend and detoxifies emotionally from the fraud that is her home life. The pandemic was very hard because they were stuck under one roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

A friend in your situation travels every 12 weeks. She visits friends and relatives for a weekend and detoxifies emotionally from the fraud that is her home life. The pandemic was very hard because they were stuck under one roof.

Detox — yesss. Very important.

My DH has anger/ untreated mental health issues. Apart from the strategies mentioned above and having a schedule where we don’t overlap much, I make a point to schedule a work or leisure trip once a month. I also encourage him to travel.

Space, space, more space. Be ruthless about tending to your own needs and wholeness. I refuse to hate my life or be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

^^my kids are in elementary — it was much much harder when they were young and we had to do more together. Sending hugs to anyone who feels trapped with young kids. It does get a bit better as they are more independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Don't wait too long. I didn't leave when my kid(s) were young in part because of finances. The truth is that my parents would have probably helped me and I could have gone back to a career even if it would have been hard. And my kids wouldn't have known anything different. Now that the oldest is in HS and we are staring down college the idea of striking out on my own seems impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck.

This is amazing. I wish I would have done something similar years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck.

This is amazing. I wish I would have done something similar years ago.

PP here. I do too. It’s taken me over 15 years and very terrible incidents to get to this place. I didn’t know how to have boundaries before. I would try to get him to change or try to stand up for myself. All that made it worse. The only thing I can do now is just live my own life.

Some other boundaries I have, due to his using text and email to harass me/ start drama — I don’t respond to any emails with accusations or threats. His messages go to a separate folder and I read them when I have time. I’ve told him if he doesn’t stop with the harassment, I’ll have a third party filter the messages before I read.

I have done everything I can to just take back my space from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Don't wait too long. I didn't leave when my kid(s) were young in part because of finances. The truth is that my parents would have probably helped me and I could have gone back to a career even if it would have been hard. And my kids wouldn't have known anything different. Now that the oldest is in HS and we are staring down college the idea of striking out on my own seems impossible.

It is never too late.

You’ll appreciate the peace in your home and feeling of freedom more than any financial discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those loveless marriages that cheaters speak of after they get caught.

OP should just brace herself for that inevitable rollercoaster now. Most people don't want to zombie walk through life and will seek a caring, passionate relationship with someone else if they aren't getting that from their spouse.

Yes. The cheaters that were such miserable abusive @holes to their spouses that the spouses had to build a wall to survive. Walking on eggshells around an explosive @hole is no way to live. These stupid cheaters end up banging borderline narcissistic personalities just like themselves. They are each that abusive entity in their Jen marriages.