Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the 180.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

A friend in your situation travels every 12 weeks. She visits friends and relatives for a weekend and detoxifies emotionally from the fraud that is her home life. The pandemic was very hard because they were stuck under one roof.

geez. absent any intractable financial issues, why would anyone think it’s better for kids to live in a home that is a toxic fraud instead of divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck.

Thank you. I’m the poster you typed this for. I know it can be strange to type such personal things and put them out there - even if anonymous - but I really do appreciate it and find this helpful.

[Anonymous]

So much in this thread resonates.

I have a husband who has unpredictable anger issues - like other PPs I suspect some past trauma and/or undiagnosed mental health issues. His anger is usually around feeling slighted or disrespected in some manner.

My coping strategies: I am very involved in my work, my sport, my artistic hobby, and I maintain strong friendships and family ties, where I schedule 1:1 time with my friends (so usually one friend or family event w/out DH every week). Also, work trips and vacations w/out DH, typically with a family member or close friend.

With my DH, his triggers seem to be my family, and also stressful situations when we are out and about (like when we are trying to do something in a rush). I do my best to try to avoid those triggers. For example, other than holidays, he doesn't get the privilege of spending time with my extended family, because he tends to devolve into a sulky grump, or worse, around them maybe 4 times out of 10. I don't like those odds and it is just too stressful for me, wondering how he's going to be.

I try to enjoy my DH for what he is. Overall, he's a good man, and more often than not, he's nice, easy to be around, helpful, funny, etc. In some ways, I have a lot of respect for him. And I don't think he's choosing to be like this; although he certainly is choosing not to address the issue, so that's on him.

Another tip: I never forget that I'm dealing with someone whose mood can turn on a dime. That way, I'm not surprised or disappointed when it happens. I try to take the view of, "ok, there it is...of course." I just try to observe in a detached manner and not react. There's just no point engaging with someone who is irrational, in my view. It's like arguing with a toddler.

Don't get me wrong, I hate it. When his mood turns and he's angry, it makes me feel sad, horrible, scared, and disoriented. And his behavior has affected my affection for him, for sure. I am always evaluating this situation from a quality of life issue - is it bad enough to merit me making a change? So far, not yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much in this thread resonates.

I have a husband who has unpredictable anger issues - like other PPs I suspect some past trauma and/or undiagnosed mental health issues. His anger is usually around feeling slighted or disrespected in some manner.

My coping strategies: I am very involved in my work, my sport, my artistic hobby, and I maintain strong friendships and family ties, where I schedule 1:1 time with my friends (so usually one friend or family event w/out DH every week). Also, work trips and vacations w/out DH, typically with a family member or close friend.

With my DH, his triggers seem to be my family, and also stressful situations when we are out and about (like when we are trying to do something in a rush). I do my best to try to avoid those triggers. For example, other than holidays, he doesn't get the privilege of spending time with my extended family, because he tends to devolve into a sulky grump, or worse, around them maybe 4 times out of 10. I don't like those odds and it is just too stressful for me, wondering how he's going to be.

I try to enjoy my DH for what he is. Overall, he's a good man, and more often than not, he's nice, easy to be around, helpful, funny, etc. In some ways, I have a lot of respect for him. And I don't think he's choosing to be like this; although he certainly is choosing not to address the issue, so that's on him.

Another tip: I never forget that I'm dealing with someone whose mood can turn on a dime. That way, I'm not surprised or disappointed when it happens. I try to take the view of, "ok, there it is...of course." I just try to observe in a detached manner and not react. There's just no point engaging with someone who is irrational, in my view. It's like arguing with a toddler.

Don't get me wrong, I hate it. When his mood turns and he's angry, it makes me feel sad, horrible, scared, and disoriented. And his behavior has affected my affection for him, for sure. I am always evaluating this situation from a quality of life issue - is it bad enough to merit me making a change? So far, not yet.

I’m the PP who suspects undiagnosed mental health issues. Thanks for sharing this. So much of what you wrote really mirrors my experience, from the simultaneous detachment + awful feelings his outbursts kick up to the constant reevaluation.

Do you have kids? If so, how old? Mine are in elementary. I don’t think I’d be staying if not for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck.

Thank you. I’m the poster you typed this for. I know it can be strange to type such personal things and put them out there - even if anonymous - but I really do appreciate it and find this helpful.

PP here. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I felt alone and disoriented for a long time. In some ways because the abuse is emotional/verbal you can justify to yourself it’s not that bad. My therapist has helped me see that I minimized it and made excuses but was really unhappy.

One book that helped me is Stop Walking on Eggshells. It’s for partners of people with borderline personality disorder, but could apply to a lot of situations. The book talks about ways to create boundaries that are not black-and-white eg divorce or marriage but more nuanced for your situation. It also talks about why keeping those boundaries consistent is so important.

Good luck — I hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Don't wait too long. I didn't leave when my kid(s) were young in part because of finances. The truth is that my parents would have probably helped me and I could have gone back to a career even if it would have been hard. And my kids wouldn't have known anything different. Now that the oldest is in HS and we are staring down college the idea of striking out on my own seems impossible.

Can you leave after kids are done with college? You’d probably get alimony. Definitely half of the retirement funds and other assets. And your parents would probably still help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im not sure if I want to divorce my DH or not. Probably. We are in counseling. However one thing that I have done that I don’t see mentioned above is sleep with another man. I highly recommend it. Im not in love with this guy and am nowhere deluded enough to think that he is the one for me, we belong together, etc. We are both clearly two walking red flags. However, male attention is nice, as is sex (DH and I havent had sex in years).

Where did you find this other man? I would love an AP and do think this might help with my resentment. DH has cheated in the past, so I’m not even too concerned about what would happen if I got caught.

Ashley Madison. There are some serious creepers there but if you put in some time you can find someone of the same quality you would date “in real life”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Pp you are responding to. It’s not clear to me that you want to stay married. If you do want to continue to be married to this man, and you want to be a good wife, then fake it until you make it.

Tonight, when he gets home, act excited that daddy’s home, and have the kids give him a hug. Then give him a kiss and, in front of the kids, thank him for working so hard for your family. Then ask him to do something specific that you want him to do. Like, “Hey, Larla has been wanting to play soccer. Could you go out in the yard and play with her for a little bit while I finish getting dinner ready?”
If he won’t do it, then he won’t do it. Ask again tomorrow.

I get that this doesn’t feel good at first, and that you would rather ignore him or talk to him about whatever crap he pulled yesterday. But your kids don’t need to see that, and you know it.

The more you do it, the easier and more natural it feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Don't wait too long. I didn't leave when my kid(s) were young in part because of finances. The truth is that my parents would have probably helped me and I could have gone back to a career even if it would have been hard. And my kids wouldn't have known anything different. Now that the oldest is in HS and we are staring down college the idea of striking out on my own seems impossible.

It is never too late.

You’ll appreciate the peace in your home and feeling of freedom more than any financial discomfort.

So true. One day on your own without drama will be worth the hardship of starting over. It can be done. You only get 1 life…

[Anonymous]

A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

A friend in your situation travels every 12 weeks. She visits friends and relatives for a weekend and detoxifies emotionally from the fraud that is her home life. The pandemic was very hard because they were stuck under one roof.

geez. absent any intractable financial issues, why would anyone think it’s better for kids to live in a home that is a toxic fraud instead of divorcing?

If my kid's life is in danger after I leave, but try to get them back, it's better for the kid to live in toxic environment. Ofcoure it would be the best to leave with the kid and I say it as a kid who had to grow up in the toxicity.
I left, DP refused to show me out child. Had I gone to court, he would have taken somebody out. I did not know that he was crazy until I left. Something was really not right and I feared for the child's life. It was not hard to notice that I am not dealing with a well person. He had help up very well until he didn't.
I got so much crap from everyone for not 'fighting for my kid'. Comes out, the DP had some mental issues that got worse when I left.
Because of his own problems, he is no more. I'm glad it was him and not the kid or me. I noticed his downward spiral and didn't just go
'fighting for my kids' and put us both in danger. I waited it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im not sure if I want to divorce my DH or not. Probably. We are in counseling. However one thing that I have done that I don’t see mentioned above is sleep with another man. I highly recommend it. Im not in love with this guy and am nowhere deluded enough to think that he is the one for me, we belong together, etc. We are both clearly two walking red flags. However, male attention is nice, as is sex (DH and I havent had sex in years).

Where did you find this other man? I would love an AP and do think this might help with my resentment. DH has cheated in the past, so I’m not even too concerned about what would happen if I got caught.

Ashley Madison. There are some serious creepers there but if you put in some time you can find someone of the same quality you would date “in real life”.

I don’t date cheaters. So, no. Everyone on there is a liar with zero integrity. It would not be the place I looked for a future spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

That’s what you got out of this? I see plenty of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

All this thread shows me is how much women sacrifice and degrade themselves to keep their families intact, myself included.