Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Even if OP doesn’t get remarried her ex husband may date or remarry or cohabitate and a new stepmom trying to assert herself with kids is not a situation anyone grows up dreaming about or hoping for (the stepmom included) - it can be really miserable. The logistics of two households is a LOT.

You have received good advice OP about not making your DH the center of your life. Find your own happiness and counsel your kids as they get older so they don’t end up trapped like so many of of the women here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

It’s changed a little. He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework. Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it.
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change. And you can’t make someone love you.
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce. For me, it made sense to stay married. And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.

and there is zero way I, personally, can even touch my DH after alllllll the bullsh*t he has pulled. it would not make me proud to give him blowjobs, wtf.

I think women entering into a plan of “staying for the kids” have an illusion of control. It can be extremely emotionally taxing to live 24/7 in a bad relationship, and it’s not possible to avoid all conflict. Mental and physical health can spiral downwards, conflict can increase, people can have affairs. Then instead of a divorce when two people can still deal somewhat with each other, you have a high-conflict divorce between two people who have exhausted their mental and physical resources. That is NOT good for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

It’s changed a little. He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework. Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it.
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change. And you can’t make someone love you.
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce. For me, it made sense to stay married. And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.

and there is zero way I, personally, can even touch my DH after alllllll the bullsh*t he has pulled. it would not make me proud to give him blowjobs, wtf.

I think women entering into a plan of “staying for the kids” have an illusion of control. It can be extremely emotionally taxing to live 24/7 in a bad relationship, and it’s not possible to avoid all conflict. Mental and physical health can spiral downwards, conflict can increase, people can have affairs. Then instead of a divorce when two people can still deal somewhat with each other, you have a high-conflict divorce between two people who have exhausted their mental and physical resources. That is NOT good for kids.

I think most relationships are based on some level of illusion or delusion. It’s more about what you can live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare? I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day.

I haven’t been divorced but we did a ~6 month nesting separation with two elementary kids. OMG. I could not get my DH to stop messaging me. Tons of emails, texts, etc throughout the day. I could not get any space. We had to coordinate so much about kids and practical logistics, it made me realize how little a divorce would probably solve so long as there are two kids who have two sets of activities, birthday parties, play dates, parent teacher meetings, etc. We are both hands on parents so that might be why it was more taxing than if he were checked out. And our kids didn’t know about the separation.

Still, I can only imagine if they were going between two houses, with all their school and extracurricular stuff, how annoying it would be. This is a huge part of why I am reluctant to divorce even though the marriage is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare? I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day.

I haven’t been divorced but we did a ~6 month nesting separation with two elementary kids. OMG. I could not get my DH to stop messaging me. Tons of emails, texts, etc throughout the day. I could not get any space. We had to coordinate so much about kids and practical logistics, it made me realize how little a divorce would probably solve so long as there are two kids who have two sets of activities, birthday parties, play dates, parent teacher meetings, etc. We are both hands on parents so that might be why it was more taxing than if he were checked out. And our kids didn’t know about the separation.

Still, I can only imagine if they were going between two houses, with all their school and extracurricular stuff, how annoying it would be. This is a huge part of why I am reluctant to divorce even though the marriage is awful.

I'd love to hear more about your separation experience. How did you decide to end it? Are you back to being "married"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

It’s changed a little. He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework. Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it.
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change. And you can’t make someone love you.
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce. For me, it made sense to stay married. And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.

and there is zero way I, personally, can even touch my DH after alllllll the bullsh*t he has pulled. it would not make me proud to give him blowjobs, wtf.

I think women entering into a plan of “staying for the kids” have an illusion of control. It can be extremely emotionally taxing to live 24/7 in a bad relationship, and it’s not possible to avoid all conflict. Mental and physical health can spiral downwards, conflict can increase, people can have affairs. Then instead of a divorce when two people can still deal somewhat with each other, you have a high-conflict divorce between two people who have exhausted their mental and physical resources. That is NOT good for kids.

+1

If "staying" gets to the point where mentally/physically you are spiraling so downwards it's time to jump ship to save yourself. Better to have an intact parent in a separate household than one who is more or less dead inside in the same household. Kids can see all of that too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare? I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day.

I haven’t been divorced but we did a ~6 month nesting separation with two elementary kids. OMG. I could not get my DH to stop messaging me. Tons of emails, texts, etc throughout the day. I could not get any space. We had to coordinate so much about kids and practical logistics, it made me realize how little a divorce would probably solve so long as there are two kids who have two sets of activities, birthday parties, play dates, parent teacher meetings, etc. We are both hands on parents so that might be why it was more taxing than if he were checked out. And our kids didn’t know about the separation.

Still, I can only imagine if they were going between two houses, with all their school and extracurricular stuff, how annoying it would be. This is a huge part of why I am reluctant to divorce even though the marriage is awful.

I'd love to hear more about your separation experience. How did you decide to end it? Are you back to being "married"?

We decided in advance it would end at 6 months. At that point my DH was still flipping out and saying he wanted to divorce. The therapist basically called his bluff and said go ahead. He cried and said he didn’t want to. I am not ready to divorce either. Mainly because of two young kids. So we are back in the house together, going to therapy, and kind of taking it day by day.

There are undiagnosed mental health issues. The separation was kind of helpful insofar as it helped me grasp the extent of these and how they are not at all in my control. I also spent more time building my life outside the marriage. I hated moving around and dealing with all his outbursts while not seeing my kids all the time, that was not fun. I think seeing how he was in the separation made me much more wary of him and honestly killed a lot of my lingering affection and love. He was nasty — shouted in my face, criticized and blamed me in long ranting messages, lots of dysregulated behavior and drama. So yeah. YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I’m sure that sex is the last thing on your mind, trust me this remains a priority for him. So if you’re going to “stay married for the kids” then do both of you a favor and grant him an official hall pass. That will avoid lots of drama and tension of him sneaking around while pretending he isn’t.

Big no to the hall pass if OP actually wants to stay married. It sounds like she and her DH don't have any romance or passion in their marriage. If DH uses his hall pass and develops feelings for his AP, he's going to be out the door faster than OP can drop to her knees for yet another methodical blow job.

All this ~staying together for the kids~ sounds like a roommate situation and if you like it, I love it. That said, it generally stops being satisfying for one party or the other and someone ends up cheating.

OP seems like the type who will whine and complain about being "blindsided" by her husband's cheating. "But I cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids and gave him a blow job every single night!?" I mean, you're a Wife Appliance. He's just not that into you. He'll meet someone who will make him feel alive and he'll leave. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

People say this like it’s a bad thing. You are teaching you kids why to put up with because life isn’t a fairytale. Some people get beautiful marriages and some don’t. At the end of the day parenthood is expensive economically and emotionally. Two can tackle it better than one. So yes, yeah your kids the reality of life, especially if it spares them from the reality of poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario.

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

People say this like it’s a bad thing. You are teaching you kids why to put up with because life isn’t a fairytale. Some people get beautiful marriages and some don’t. At the end of the day parenthood is expensive economically and emotionally. Two can tackle it better than one. So yes, yeah your kids the reality of life, especially if it spares them from the reality of poverty.

I think dysfunction vs poverty is a false choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

People say this like it’s a bad thing. You are teaching you kids why to put up with because life isn’t a fairytale. Some people get beautiful marriages and some don’t. At the end of the day parenthood is expensive economically and emotionally. Two can tackle it better than one. So yes, yeah your kids the reality of life, especially if it spares them from the reality of poverty.

There is a huge difference between “fairytale” and a dysfunctional home. Kids do not benefit from dysfunction and parents who have diminished emotional/mental resources due to a bad home life. And most of us won’t end up in “poverty.”

[Anonymous]

This is not from personal experience, but from watching my parents' marriage. The key I think is to fight as much as you can the growing sense of resentment. I think it ruined my mom's life more so than the legitimately messed up behavior of my dad (checked out and focused on himself, is how I'd describe it; no cheating/drugs/violence).

The thing is, the resentment made him more checked out and made their marriage absolutely miserable, until my mom died in her early 60s.

Of course, the HOW of killing off resentment is the million-dollar question. You have to practice radical acceptance, seeing things for what they are instead of what they should be. You have to give up control. You have to let some things go. And you absolutely have to do things for yourself, be more selfish, be more direct about what you want, and not expect any emotional support. Find emotional support among friends.

[Anonymous]

Start quietly putting butter in everything he eats or drinks. A lot of butter then after a few years of this suggest you both take up jogging or wait for the next heat wave, grease the roof and send him up there to check for animal incursions.

Keep feeding him artery busting foods, repeat with the increasingly strenuous activities. Maybe throw in some marathon shagging sessions.

Repeat until he keels over. When he does only pretend to call the paramedics. Sit back and graciously accept the sympathy casseroles sure to follow.

When the heat cools, collect the insurance, sell the McCraftman and move to FIJI. Take a lover and breathe.