Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

+2. The advice I'd give in this situation is to pretend the husband isn't there and do everything on your own, but then why stay married? For the income? Is that what you want your kids to learn?

She says her husband’s biggest failing is putting his needs above everyone else’s. Blowing up her kids’ family over such a (sorry to say, OP) non-issue would amount to HER putting her needs above everyone else’s. Then she would screw up her kids’ childhoods and wouldn’t even have the moral high ground to cling to.

[Anonymous]

I’m someone whose mother stayed married “for the kids”… and I wish she hadn’t done my siblings and I that so-called favor. We lost respect for her because we saw her excuse or ignore a lot of awful behavior. We lost respect for our dad, because we saw him focus on appearances instead of reality. We lost respect for both of them, because they persisted on performing this bizarre charade that everyone could see through. We felt guilty that we were the professed reason why our parents were deliberately making themselves and everyone around them absolutely miserable.

As teens, especially, we never wanted to have anyone over. As my older siblings left for college, my parents stopped even pretending to like each other — my last two years of high school were truly horrible, because it was just me and them.

It took me a really long time to learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships. My spouse will tell you I still often default to the behaviors I saw modeled.

Get your finances in order, pull on your big-girl pants and DTMFA. You have the rest of your life to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I think more and more women are finding themselves in this situation.
I know I am.
No major abuse, but constant walking on egg shells, certain topics that are 'triggering' to him so no one can ever discuss them, unreliability, but he pays his way and pitches in enough with the kids where it is actually helpful.

I lost feelings for my DH slowly over time. It was death by a million papercuts with the last straw being him screaming at me over a simple question about weekend plans. It was like a button in me was pushed and feelings exited. It was a bit freeing. I no longer care about any of his tirades or BS and just am going on living my life.
The HARDEST part has been intimacy as i feel 0% toward him at all. I don't hate him, but do NOT enjoy being intimate with him. We do it 1x per week adn that is about all i can muster up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

As someone who got divorced and ended up in a sucky blended family situation, know that you are extremely wise for thinking along these lines. The grass isn’t always greener.

You have the choice to not get involved in a 2nd marriage, especially one with kids

[Anonymous]

How lonely it is, to live a life completely detached from DH, with zero expectations, no emotional intimacy, no support other than some sort of ill defined presence. No one wishes for that in life and I don’t know why it’s being propagated here as some sort of magical solution to all marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more and more women are finding themselves in this situation.
I know I am.
No major abuse, but constant walking on egg shells, certain topics that are 'triggering' to him so no one can ever discuss them, unreliability, but he pays his way and pitches in enough with the kids where it is actually helpful.

I lost feelings for my DH slowly over time. It was death by a million papercuts with the last straw being him screaming at me over a simple question about weekend plans. It was like a button in me was pushed and feelings exited. It was a bit freeing. I no longer care about any of his tirades or BS and just am going on living my life.
The HARDEST part has been intimacy as i feel 0% toward him at all. I don't hate him, but do NOT enjoy being intimate with him. We do it 1x per week adn that is about all i can muster up.

Why do it at all? I"m baffled by this. You don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

All this thread shows me is how much women sacrifice and degrade themselves to keep their families intact, myself included.

I see that too - a lot of minimizing and excusing emotional abuse. The lack of emotional authenticity is mind blowing, along with the willingness to degrade themselves to “keep the peace.” How did this become the advice for abused women? Just go along with it, cook his favorite food, praise him, engage in physical intimacy with a man you hate just so that … What? What is the end goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

All this thread shows me is how much women sacrifice and degrade themselves to keep their families intact, myself included.

I see that too - a lot of minimizing and excusing emotional abuse. The lack of emotional authenticity is mind blowing, along with the willingness to degrade themselves to “keep the peace.” How did this become the advice for abused women? Just go along with it, cook his favorite food, praise him, engage in physical intimacy with a man you hate just so that … What? What is the end goal?

Because an abusive dynamic is so much more complicated than love-hate. Many of us don’t hate these men at all. I love my husband but I know he loves himself most. Because our friends and family are pushing us to “stay for the kids.” Because we know we won’t have any help or support as a single mom.

I love my husband and I don’t hate having sex with him, but in my mind I understand that if I don’t have sex with him, he will eventually become cold and distant, prefer pornography, and eventually turn emotionally abusive. He's never going to ask me what’s going on or show concern. He’s not even aware that he does this. He also refuses to have sex in a way that is totally pleasurable to me, so I am accepting mediocre sex because I don’t hate it, but it also makes my life smoother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

Agee with this. If you can maintain a neutral relationship at home there are many benefits to staying together. But a high conflict home is so much worse for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

Teaching kids to honor your commitments and that life is sometimes unpleasant but it goes on.

[Anonymous]

My parents stuck out their marriage until I went to college. It was awful. They never yelled or fought around us, but the animosity and resentment was tense. It was NOT a happy home. And then when they divorced, the guilt I felt was awful. I blamed myself for them being miserable for so long. After all, the second I was gone they could divorce and be happy again. So they were miserable because of me. I was angry at them. I was angry that I had no home to go to on breaks. I was angry that they made my sister and I grow up in a dysfunctional home and then just bail once we were gone. My sister and I both had toxic relationships in high school and college ...because we had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.

I know divorce comes with it's own issues. But I get annoyed when people act like staying until the youngest goes off to college doesn't cause issues either. Thankfully I got therapy and I'm very happily married. My relationship with my parents was strained for years. I had pulled way from them in my teen years and then the anger in my college years. So it took awhile for us to have any solid relationship as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little old but such a great honest thread. This culture really advocates divorce readily so great to see different sides representing here.

All this thread shows me is how much women sacrifice and degrade themselves to keep their families intact, myself included.

I see that too - a lot of minimizing and excusing emotional abuse. The lack of emotional authenticity is mind blowing, along with the willingness to degrade themselves to “keep the peace.” How did this become the advice for abused women? Just go along with it, cook his favorite food, praise him, engage in physical intimacy with a man you hate just so that … What? What is the end goal?

Because an abusive dynamic is so much more complicated than love-hate. Many of us don’t hate these men at all. I love my husband but I know he loves himself most. Because our friends and family are pushing us to “stay for the kids.” Because we know we won’t have any help or support as a single mom.

I love my husband and I don’t hate having sex with him, but in my mind I understand that if I don’t have sex with him, he will eventually become cold and distant, prefer pornography, and eventually turn emotionally abusive. He's never going to ask me what’s going on or show concern. He’s not even aware that he does this. He also refuses to have sex in a way that is totally pleasurable to me, so I am accepting mediocre sex because I don’t hate it, but it also makes my life smoother.

You are recognizing that you are being abused. What you do with your life is your choice but advising other women to submit to this kind of treatment is just wrong. Don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagreements about parenting, family time, household chores, he is very self absorbed and prioritizes his needs above everyone elses

I have one of those. As the kids have gotten older, I've really prioritized my friendships. My friendships are meaningful for me and they really take the edge off the state of my relationship. I don't know how old your kids are but my teenage daughters see right through my husband now and they have individually commented about how selfish he is. I am not sure if I made the right call staying with him but I haven't been ready for economic uncertainty and I'll be in a better position once they are out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

No. You’re teaching your kids that life is not always perfect but when we make major commitments we stick to them.

So you would rather see your kids "honor their commitments" than be happy in their marriages? How sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

Kids deserve a home with their mother and dad, working together as best as they can. It’s never perfect.

There's a big continuum here. There's perfect, which is pretty much impossible, then far, far down from that there's OP's life. There's a lot of space in between for great, but not perfect, or even good marriages. The choices aren't perfect or nothing.