Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

...and what are the guarantees that other people who'll come in lives of their parents will be great partners and parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

[Anonymous]

Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

Same. Stop investing in making the marriage work and start investing in what you can do to make yourself happy. I used to be a SAHM. For years, I resented my husband for never helping around the house or being involved in parenting. Then one day, without even telling my husband, I went out and got a job. I put the youngest in full day preschool. I hired an after school babysitter. I hired a cleaning crew. My husband complained about all of it. Oh well. I never looked back. I went out and got the support I needed for raising my kids and keeping my household in order. I started making my own money. I stopped asking when he’ll be home or what he wants to eat. I run the show and sometimes he shows up. It is what it is. But I’m a hell of a lot happier than I was when I was home with kids alone all the time and wondering where the heck he was. Now I have hired help that I can depend on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

Same. Stop investing in making the marriage work and start investing in what you can do to make yourself happy. I used to be a SAHM. For years, I resented my husband for never helping around the house or being involved in parenting. Then one day, without even telling my husband, I went out and got a job. I put the youngest in full day preschool. I hired an after school babysitter. I hired a cleaning crew. My husband complained about all of it. Oh well. I never looked back. I went out and got the support I needed for raising my kids and keeping my household in order. I started making my own money. I stopped asking when he’ll be home or what he wants to eat. I run the show and sometimes he shows up. It is what it is. But I’m a hell of a lot happier than I was when I was home with kids alone all the time and wondering where the heck he was. Now I have hired help that I can depend on.

Op here...good on you pp for making your life situation so much better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagreements about parenting, family time, household chores, he is very self absorbed and prioritizes his needs above everyone elses

I’m in the same situation except my marriage also includes a highly functioning alcoholic husband. Started individual therapy a few years ago and it’s been helpful. He refuses to go.

Key takeaway is to create a life for yourself. Make new friends. Cultivate new hobbies. Be busy doing things you love. For a long time I coped by focusing on kids and making them my world…but it isn’t enough. You need to have your own life to be fulfilled. It’s lonely and sad to live in this situation. It’s really helped to have personal things I look forward to without kids because it helps keep my sense of self.

Good luck to you OP. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad for you but understand practicality matters more sometimes.

Do the obvious: pour into the kids and yourself. Spend time with your friends, make mom friends through the kids’ activities, join a neighborhood book club or walking group or wine tasting group to have some time that is just you away from the family. If you think divorce will ever come then research your financial situation inside and out. Vest heavily into things like college savings plans and paying down debt now using marital funds if possible. Get into some therapy. Make goals and lists for yourself. And don’t ignore your husband. Coparent, pick the battles, hold him up to helping, and try to make peace with it as it is if neither of you wants to work to improve things. And that’s ok too.

Sounds like sound advice. OP when did you figure out you did not like DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I’m the PP with the high functioning alcoholic husband. Wanted to give one last thought.

My house isn’t seething with resentment. We get along fine. There is no fighting. Sometimes pleasant actually. But for the most part our romantic relationship is just comfortably numb. He isn’t helpful or all that present and when I get angry or resentful I remember the words of my therapist: You don’t get to be angry with him, for your choice.

I choose to stay, I choose to be in the same house as my small children 100% of the time. I choose to keep their safety top of mind. I don’t get to feel like a victim because I have choices and this is my choice. One day it will be my choice to slap him with divorce papers but for now, this is what I chose.

Tough pill to swallow but does help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagreements about parenting, family time, household chores, he is very self absorbed and prioritizes his needs above everyone elses

Flip the script. This basically means you can run the show.

No, you don’t have a partner. But you have another income and presumably someone who can sit in the house from time to time when you need to be out.

Things you can do:

Up your career
Get busy with friends and hobbies
Hire more help (including tutoring or other help to outsource what he doesn’t do with/for the kids)
Plan your best life — without him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

[Anonymous]

I would assume that he is planning to leave you as soon as the youngest goes off to college and plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

As someone who got divorced and ended up in a sucky blended family situation, know that you are extremely wise for thinking along these lines. The grass isn’t always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

This is the husband lol

[Anonymous]

OP, think about this…..
Really think about it.

Life is much, much too short to stay w/someone you are unhappy with.
Even for a day.

We all only ever get one genuine chance at life & it is entirely our responsibility to make that one life count…
Count for SOMEthing…..Anything.
If you have already decided that you are going to willingly waste your best years in the name of family, then that is your choice + your children will both grow up w/out one positive model of what a happy, successful and normal marriage looks like.

And that is just too sad. 💔