Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

[Anonymous]

Depends. What are your biggest challenges right now? Loneliness? Him being sort of mean to you? Disagreements on big decisions like parenting?

[Anonymous]

Do the 180.

[Anonymous]

Disagreements about parenting, family time, household chores, he is very self absorbed and prioritizes his needs above everyone elses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the 180.

180 is irrelevant in this scenario

[Anonymous]

Kill the hope. Accept it’s not going to better and might get worse. That’s marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sad for you but understand practicality matters more sometimes.

Do the obvious: pour into the kids and yourself. Spend time with your friends, make mom friends through the kids’ activities, join a neighborhood book club or walking group or wine tasting group to have some time that is just you away from the family. If you think divorce will ever come then research your financial situation inside and out. Vest heavily into things like college savings plans and paying down debt now using marital funds if possible. Get into some therapy. Make goals and lists for yourself. And don’t ignore your husband. Coparent, pick the battles, hold him up to helping, and try to make peace with it as it is if neither of you wants to work to improve things. And that’s ok too.

[Anonymous]

You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

Yes, some parts of marriage is about putting up. Sorry, but whatever OP has listed as the negatives about her husband is very common, even in successful marriages. My deal breaker is addiction, abuse and adultery.

I like the advice given by another poster to pour oneself into children, their education, cultivating family (including ILs) and friends to create a support system for yourself and your social circle, cultivate hobbies and interests, paying down debt and paying for college savings (529) by using marital assets, growing wealth, paying a lot of attention to your and your children health, and heavily outsourcing all chores that can be outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

+2. The advice I'd give in this situation is to pretend the husband isn't there and do everything on your own, but then why stay married? For the income? Is that what you want your kids to learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re teaching your kids what to put up with in their marriage by staying together.

This.

+2. The advice I'd give in this situation is to pretend the husband isn't there and do everything on your own, but then why stay married? For the income? Is that what you want your kids to learn?

.

In some cases, yes. The mother isn’t being abused and the kids aren’t being shuttled between two homes. Divorce isn’t cheap and often results in a lower standard of living.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I'm ready to try the Laura Doyle method- I honestly hate him right now

[Anonymous]

Get an au pair who preps dinner and puts all the laundry away and drives the kids to activities. Create a block schedule for yourself that includes daily “WIN” (what I need) time. These are chunks of time during the day every day that you’re not responsible for other people or things. Go shopping and get clothes you feel good in. Fix your hair and wear makeup or whatever makes you feel good. Get in great shape. Don’t waste any more time trying to better your marriage or fix your husband. Invest in yourself and your kids and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm ready to try the Laura Doyle method- I honestly hate him right now

You know OP this is what my plan was for the last few years of my marriage. I know you say there isn't abuse, but when I finally left I looked back and there was death by a million tiny cuts. I'm in therapy and whatever it was, it wasn't a happy, healthy, loving relationship. I feel like a new person. I've changed so much since I left. I don't know what you should do but if you're in a place where you're miserable, I'm not sure that's the answer.