Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I appreciate everyone's input. The idea of my kids having to deal with 2 homes and step parents/step siblings and only seeing them half the time is what makes me not interested in divorce.

As someone who got divorced and ended up in a sucky blended family situation, know that you are extremely wise for thinking along these lines. The grass isn’t always greener.

NP here. This is exactly true of each of a handful of friends in this situation - but my friends wanted "the house" and "the car", and they got it. Thank you for your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, think about this…..
Really think about it.

Life is much, much too short to stay w/someone you are unhappy with.
Even for a day.

We all only ever get one genuine chance at life & it is entirely our responsibility to make that one life count…
Count for SOMEthing…..Anything.
If you have already decided that you are going to willingly waste your best years in the name of family, then that is your choice + your children will both grow up w/out one positive model of what a happy, successful and normal marriage looks like.

And that is just too sad. 💔

That may happen anyway. Why do people assume that divorced people subsequently land in a more successful marriage? As others have said, maybe the best life lesson for the kids from the OP's situation is that they learn about commitment and problem-solving. And by the way, most children are exposed to successful marriages even if not in their own household. It takes a village...

[Anonymous]

While I’m sure that sex is the last thing on your mind, trust me this remains a priority for him. So if you’re going to “stay married for the kids” then do both of you a favor and grant him an official hall pass. That will avoid lots of drama and tension of him sneaking around while pretending he isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Prepare yourself for the inevitable divorce. Separate finances to the extent possible. Ensure the 529s are being funded and there is sufficient life insurance with the kids as beneficiaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

It’s changed a little. He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework. Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it.
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change. And you can’t make someone love you.
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce. For me, it made sense to stay married. And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume that he is planning to leave you as soon as the youngest goes off to college and plan accordingly.

Yep. Several couples I know like this divorced as soon as youngest was in college. The ones that stayed together often had a kid that for various reasons did not go away to college and stayed at home so they were not true empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare? I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

It’s sad that you would model a dysfunctional relationship for your children. That’s not really something “for the kids.”

There are worse things than divorce. If you genuinely can’t fix it, divorce might be better for this kids in the longer term.

The only thing kids hate more than divorce is having to deal with moms new boyfriend playing dad and dad’s new girlfriend trying to be their cool friend. I guarantee kids would much rather have your “roommate model of marriage” than deal with stepparents and step sibling drama.

Not everyone gets remarried or wants to. Don't assume all divorces have remarriages. Many don't. Also, the remarriage rate has declined a lot in the last decade. Fewer people are remarrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine. I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate. I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him. I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it. Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be.

Op here...has this helped anything?

Do I feel more emotionally connected and have the marriage I wanted? No. Did we stop fighting and create a more stable home for our kids? Yes. Do I feel like my actions align better with my values? For me, yes.

I guess what everyone is probably wondering is whether your husband’s behavior changed in response to your efforts. He is getting more blowjobs after all.

It’s changed a little. He is less outwardly angry, and he does more housework. Mostly because I’m more direct about asking for what I want/need instead of expecting him to just do it.
You can’t really change someone who doesn’t want to change. And you can’t make someone love you.
All you can do is decide if you are going to remain married or divorce. For me, it made sense to stay married. And if I am going to be married, I am going to be proud of who I am, and, for me, that means being a good wife and mother.

You sound like a very strong person and you should be proud. I would not be able to do this. I feel bad for your DH because he probably will not understand and enjoy how good he has it until it is too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

It’s sad that you would model a dysfunctional relationship for your children. That’s not really something “for the kids.”

There are worse things than divorce. If you genuinely can’t fix it, divorce might be better for this kids in the longer term.

The only thing kids hate more than divorce is having to deal with moms new boyfriend playing dad and dad’s new girlfriend trying to be their cool friend. I guarantee kids would much rather have your “roommate model of marriage” than deal with stepparents and step sibling drama.

Agree. I am a child of divorce. I hated the shame, sadness and feeling “abnormal” compared to the kids whose parents were not divorced. In my case, my father was abusive so divorce was necessary. But I would have loved to have both parents around like other “normal” families.

[Anonymous]

Everyone on this thread is conflating getting divorced with getting remarried, and I have no idea why, since getting remarried after a divorce doesn’t seem to be very common (at least among the divorced couples with kids). I’m divorced with 50/50 custody and no desire to ever even speak to another man and it’s pretty great. My ex is a devoted father and not a bad guy but we were simply miserable living together and life is too short to struggle with all this stress/dread/resentment every day. I’m sure the kids would prefer that we still lived in the same house but truly, having amicably divorced parents is not going to kill them. I’m so glad I picked my ex to be the father of my kids, so no regrets there at all. I just refuse to be miserable the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so unfair to your kids to do this. Kids deserve to grow up in a loving environment, not a home seething with animosity and resentment. Please rethink this.

I thought that, too, and I am divorced. Things are better in some ways but really, it is much more difficult in every other way. Logistics with coparenting with someone you don't want to be married to is worse than staying married. Had I known how difficult it would be logistics wise and it was not a fresh start at all and just more complicated, I would have stayed until the kids go to college. If I had sole or primary custody, I would not feel this way, but 50/50 custody and divorce is far more difficult than staying in a miserable marriage. I am still miserable but it is a lot harder than it was. Kids in one house is far easier even if the houses are miles apart like mine.

What is happening that is making things such a logistical nightmare? I have 50/50 and it’s definitely better than being miserable in one house.

The stuff in two places is awful. The constant back and forth. The constant communication about the kids. The kids have activities EVERY DAY. We are not stopping that. This means there are things forgotten and often on "off nights" we end up having to do something with one kid because a parent can't be in two places at the same time. I hated him then and I hate him now. Before at least I could ignore him in the house and all of their stuff was in one place. He won't buy what they need so I end up buying things for two houses. I feel like I am running two households rather than one. I can't make him do things he won't do. He is 50 and not changing. It is worse than before. Before we would go days without speaking. Now I have to hear from him every day.

That does sound rough. Our situations are different. And mine has gotten easier as the kids have gotten older.

Luckily, my kids were tweens and teens so they could coordinate what they need and bug their dad.

There is a shared calendar everyone uses and I do most of the updating on it. But he uses it. Since I generally do the updates, I make kid routine and specialist doctor/dental/etc. appointments that fall to both of us pretty fairly, and he doesn’t question me or anything.

Now, we did change kid activities so that, routinely, activities fell at different times/days, specifically because I wanted to avoid your situation. It meant they switched to x instructor or y sporting group or team in two cases. Of course, sometimes a game or event does happen at the same time, and we do split driving for those.

If he forgets to take a kid to something, I let it go. He can pay whatever fee for missing x, or deal with the shame when kid tells his mom that he missed y leading to a missed opportunity because dad forgot (usually that addresses it, at least for a while). Unless it’s a doc appt, then I nudge him to fix it, or I do.

I really didn’t care how he got his place in order for them. He had the basics - beds, sheets, blanket. There was an incident where he didn’t have first aid stuff and, well, that prompted him to get it. I started telling the kids to ask dad to just order whatever they needed whenever they needed it off Amazon. It worked. My kids are old enough to decide what to wear so they handle taking what they want over. I don’t care what he feeds them as long as there is food, and he will order delivery if he forgot to shop so I don’t have to worry about them eating.

We do text fairly regularly. It is generally polite and cordial. Sometimes I am reminded of why I divorced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

It’s sad that you would model a dysfunctional relationship for your children. That’s not really something “for the kids.”

There are worse things than divorce. If you genuinely can’t fix it, divorce might be better for this kids in the longer term.

The only thing kids hate more than divorce is having to deal with moms new boyfriend playing dad and dad’s new girlfriend trying to be their cool friend. I guarantee kids would much rather have your “roommate model of marriage” than deal with stepparents and step sibling drama.

Agree. I am a child of divorce. I hated the shame, sadness and feeling “abnormal” compared to the kids whose parents were not divorced. In my case, my father was abusive so divorce was necessary. But I would have loved to have both parents around like other “normal” families.

You are old enough now to get therapy to address this.

[Anonymous]

Im not sure if I want to divorce my DH or not. Probably. We are in counseling. However one thing that I have done that I don’t see mentioned above is sleep with another man. I highly recommend it. Im not in love with this guy and am nowhere deluded enough to think that he is the one for me, we belong together, etc. We are both clearly two walking red flags. However, male attention is nice, as is sex (DH and I havent had sex in years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband sucks but staying together for the kids. What are your self preservation strategies? No abuse, drugs or cheating involved. Just very different worldview and communication styles. We have tried counseling and we will do it again but I have little hope. I'm also not interested in breaking up the family unit so divorce is not an option right now. Kids are 10 and 13

It’s sad that you would model a dysfunctional relationship for your children. That’s not really something “for the kids.”

There are worse things than divorce. If you genuinely can’t fix it, divorce might be better for this kids in the longer term.

The only thing kids hate more than divorce is having to deal with moms new boyfriend playing dad and dad’s new girlfriend trying to be their cool friend. I guarantee kids would much rather have your “roommate model of marriage” than deal with stepparents and step sibling drama.

Agree. I am a child of divorce. I hated the shame, sadness and feeling “abnormal” compared to the kids whose parents were not divorced. In my case, my father was abusive so divorce was necessary. But I would have loved to have both parents around like other “normal” families.

You are old enough now to get therapy to address this.

Um…thanks for the helpful advice? I didn’t realize therapy was an option /s