Reply to Self preservation Strategies when husband sucks but your staying together for thr kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just decided to be the best wife that I can, even if it doesn’t feel genuine.  I kiss him hello and make food he likes to eat and point out the good things he does to the kids, so they know what to emulate.  I ask for help when I need it, and I am really specific on what it is that I need from him.  I say please and thank you, and I give a lot of blowjobs.  
If I’m going to continue to be his wife, I might as well be good at it.  Just because he’s a crappy spouse doesn’t mean that I have to be. 
[/quote]

I kind of wish you would do a spinoff thread because I am trying to do this but it makes me feel dead inside and depressed to care for and be loving towards someone who treats me like crap when he feels like it. You mentioned yours has anger issues too and I'm exhausted trying to walk on eggshells to prevent another unpredictable outburst. We have very young kids and I'm not yet financially stable, but the idea of my daughter selecting a partner who treats her similarly is terrifying and I could never get over that guilt. So I'm working on trying to get financially stronger even though I will be much worse off financially even in the best case scenario. [/quote]

Get a therapist for you. Put your own oxygen mask on first. You aren’t feeling good, this advice is not for you.

Go see a lawyer — for the first hour consult they can give you an idea of what child support and alimony, if any, will be.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My DH has anger issues also. I am pretty checked out and the only thing that has worked for me is to carve out a separate life in the marriage.[/quote]

I'm the poster you're responding to. Thanks, this helps.[/quote]

You’re welcome. For a while I tried very very hard with my husband. To swallow down my own rage, take on more work around the house, and yes take care of him in the bedroom. It was always only temporary and it would hurt that much more when he blew up at me.

Now we are in counseling. I have very clear boundaries within the marriage. I have told him until he manages his own triggers better so this behavior stops, I won’t make plans with him or spend time with him. We have a schedule set up so only one of us is with the kids at a time. I only discuss triggering topics with him in therapy. Basically just taking a lot of space. It took me over a month of this to start feeling more like myself. Still not 100% there but I feel less exhausted, drained and wary from the constant drama.

With what you describe, you may be dealing with a personality disorder or other mental health issue. I believe my DH has untreated anxiety, trauma, and possibly borderline PD. Check out the website Out of the Fog. There are some tips there to deal with people who have a high conflict personality and blow up a lot, even if he isn’t diagnosable it might help.

Good luck. [/quote]

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