Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you have one kid and stay in DC? Yes, it's expensive and there are a lot of trade offs, but that's what my spouse and I did. We are a lot happier than we would be in suburbia.

+100 except I am in close-in suburb that is walkable/dense. One car. One kid. Amazing lifestyle. You cans till afford and have time for a lot of adult/non-parent lifestyle things if you are one-and-done. Highly recommend. And believe me you still experience parenting fully, both good and bad... lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

Ask him. To me, it means, he loves you so he'll put his fears aside for you. It also means if he couldn't pitch in as much as you want, you can't blame him. To be fear, committing to a suburban family life with 2 babies, sleepless nights, van, daycare, college tuition and what not sounds scary and one needs some big incentive. For him, that incentive is to get to be with you.

Why exactly is this scary? What upbringing did he have?

[Anonymous]

I really didn’t want kids. My wife did. We delayed for a long time and eventually it was time to either have kids or not. I was secretly more against it than I let on. When she got pregnant I hid how disappointed I was that our old (very fun, jet setting) life was over.

Fast forward a few years and I can’t imagine going back. It was a rough transition and I do miss the ability to jump on a plane with a few days notice or just go out to dinner after work with my wife or others and not have anything to figure out.

I stepped up immediately out of a sense of duty and eventually because I really wanted to.

No one could tell ny original concerns because I am extremely good at masking my feelings and I know how to handle them. But I felt devastated at the time and now it seems so silly.

I think a lot of people are like this but won’t admit it, even anonymously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you have one kid and stay in DC? Yes, it's expensive and there are a lot of trade offs, but that's what my spouse and I did. We are a lot happier than we would be in suburbia.

+100 except I am in close-in suburb that is walkable/dense. One car. One kid. Amazing lifestyle. You cans till afford and have time for a lot of adult/non-parent lifestyle things if you are one-and-done. Highly recommend. And believe me you still experience parenting fully, both good and bad... lol

+1 DH lived in the city when we got together. I lived in the burbs. When we started to look for a house, I told DH that I did not want to buy a house with a tiny yard and no garage, and neighbors that close to me. DH wanted a walkable neighborhood. So, we compromised. We bought a house in a closein burb within walking distance to a great town center. It was more expensive, but I also liked the walkability. We had little kids when we lived in that house, and it was great to walk with them to the town center and parks.

Unfortunately, as they got older, we needed another bedroom as the kids are different genders, and they had been sharing a room. We couldn't afford anything there so we had to move further out. Plus, the schools weren't as great for what we were paying for.

If your DH doesn't want kids and a suburban lifestyle, maybe you could compromise with just one and stay in the city. If the schools aren't great, you could go private if you have the funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

You suck. My son is delightful, kind and a wonderful part of our family. In many ways he’s easier than my daughter. I’m so excited to see what an incredible adult he becomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not have kids with someone who isn’t on board. I have friends like this and it’s painful to see.

This. And it's not fair to the kid to have an uninterested parent that they share the house with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will probably be able to handle one kid, but not two. Two kids is a crazy ballgame of stress and misery and no time for yourself. It’s also harder to compromise as you get older and kids require you to pretty much compromise everything. He will be miserable.

Sad, but true.

+1. This is why I have an only child.

Me too. I probably could have handled the stress of two. Dh, not so much. I loved dh more than the idea of a theoretical kid, and I didn’t want to introduce something to our lives that made him miserable. So we stuck with one. Fwiw I have a general theory that my friends with two kids where are least one is a girl have happy or at least tolerable marriages (assuming they did before kids). My friends with two boys all have marriages in the crapper. So you take the risks when having two that things will be bad. All my friends with one kid have pretty reasonable lives, balanced marriages etc. I honestly don’t know why more ppl don’t have one kid.

That's weird. From a sample size of two I can say that my best friend has two boys and a great marriage and another very close friend has a girl (older) and a boy and her marriage is a disaster and has been for a long time.

Also, we wanted one kid and ended up with surprise twins (no fertility treatments or IVF or anything like that, just spontaneous). Obviously that's not the norm, but just saying, there's a lot you probably don't know about people's lives, so it seems weird to generalize like you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

You suck. My son is delightful, kind and a wonderful part of our family. In many ways he’s easier than my daughter. I’m so excited to see what an incredible adult he becomes.

c'mon people... these are individuals.

I have one of each. They each have their own challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

You suck. My son is delightful, kind and a wonderful part of our family. In many ways he’s easier than my daughter. I’m so excited to see what an incredible adult he becomes.

c'mon people... these are individuals.

I have one of each. They each have their own challenges.

I originally wanted a boy (have a girl) but, anecdotally, PP's theory checks out. She's not saying boys are bad humans, guys, she's saying that she has personally observed that the stress of raising multiple boys is particularly hard on some wives. I think that's true in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really didn’t want kids. My wife did. We delayed for a long time and eventually it was time to either have kids or not. I was secretly more against it than I let on. When she got pregnant I hid how disappointed I was that our old (very fun, jet setting) life was over.

Fast forward a few years and I can’t imagine going back. It was a rough transition and I do miss the ability to jump on a plane with a few days notice or just go out to dinner after work with my wife or others and not have anything to figure out.

I stepped up immediately out of a sense of duty and eventually because I really wanted to.

No one could tell ny original concerns because I am extremely good at masking my feelings and I know how to handle them. But I felt devastated at the time and now it seems so silly.

I think a lot of people are like this but won’t admit it, even anonymously.

At least you hid your feelings. My sister is currently pregnant with their first and her DH has been breaking down and having panic attacks because he's sad their carefree life will be over. He apparently wanted the kid too. I get that it is a huge transition, but my sister should not be dealing with his breakdowns while pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really didn’t want kids. My wife did. We delayed for a long time and eventually it was time to either have kids or not. I was secretly more against it than I let on. When she got pregnant I hid how disappointed I was that our old (very fun, jet setting) life was over.

Fast forward a few years and I can’t imagine going back. It was a rough transition and I do miss the ability to jump on a plane with a few days notice or just go out to dinner after work with my wife or others and not have anything to figure out.

I stepped up immediately out of a sense of duty and eventually because I really wanted to.

No one could tell ny original concerns because I am extremely good at masking my feelings and I know how to handle them. But I felt devastated at the time and now it seems so silly.

I think a lot of people are like this but won’t admit it, even anonymously.

At least you hid your feelings. My sister is currently pregnant with their first and her DH has been breaking down and having panic attacks because he's sad their carefree life will be over. He apparently wanted the kid too. I get that it is a huge transition, but my sister should not be dealing with his breakdowns while pregnant.

I am the mom and I had this feeling of grief. Why is it any less legit if it's coming from a dad?

Tell him it is truly possible to have some semblance of carefree fun life after a kid but you have to stop at *a* kid (one). And you have to have some disposable income (not as much as DCUM thinks). And you have to really prioritize your marriage and individual identities, which most moms laughably fail at doing.

[Anonymous]

There are two issues here that should not be conflated but must be worked through. Does he really not want to be a parent at all? That’s primary and needs to be discussed maybe with a counselor. Natural to have mixed feelings or fears but if he’s really checked out that’s not great for anyone.

The suburban question has been answered. But it’s important that you discuss this and that he understands having a child does not necessarily mean loss of all trappings I’d urban life etc but it is a life change and requires giving up some freedoms.

If I could do it all over I would have one child . I hate the big suburban house and all the driving and stupid stuff we buy and the fact is my kids don’t get along, we are not some big happy family wheee the kids entertain each other . But spouse wanted it all and of course I love both my kids. It’s just I see the appeal of a simpler life. I think too one child has a more adult centered life. Two or more kids the family is child centered. Maybe I’m a bit selfish. But maybe also I had a weird unhappy childhood and a small dysfunctional family so I don’t know how to do the warm fuzzy Christmas morning big family things. Important that OP learn about why spouse is resistant or fearful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

You suck. My son is delightful, kind and a wonderful part of our family. In many ways he’s easier than my daughter. I’m so excited to see what an incredible adult he becomes.

c'mon people... these are individuals.

I have one of each. They each have their own challenges.

I originally wanted a boy (have a girl) but, anecdotally, PP's theory checks out. She's not saying boys are bad humans, guys, she's saying that she has personally observed that the stress of raising multiple boys is particularly hard on some wives. I think that's true in my experience.

She literally said all you can do is hope your sons don’t end up in jail. I only have one son but I struggle to believe that if I had a second I’d lose my joy in parenting him and fret over him becoming a menace to society. Why is it ok to say stuff like that? She should be ashamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really didn’t want kids. My wife did. We delayed for a long time and eventually it was time to either have kids or not. I was secretly more against it than I let on. When she got pregnant I hid how disappointed I was that our old (very fun, jet setting) life was over.

Fast forward a few years and I can’t imagine going back. It was a rough transition and I do miss the ability to jump on a plane with a few days notice or just go out to dinner after work with my wife or others and not have anything to figure out.

I stepped up immediately out of a sense of duty and eventually because I really wanted to.

No one could tell ny original concerns because I am extremely good at masking my feelings and I know how to handle them. But I felt devastated at the time and now it seems so silly.

I think a lot of people are like this but won’t admit it, even anonymously.

I think you are somewhat exceptional. I wanted kids and love my kids more than anything and really enjoy my life with with them. But it is crushing exhausting being a parent, and i realize so much of what I would like to do in career or life experience is limited by the cost and time commitment of our kids (we aren’t wealthy — I think if you lived a jet set life before you probably are much more wealthy which makes all things easier). By the time they leave the house, I don’t expect to have much health or lifespan left, which I guess is why so many people try to live their dreams through their kids, as they know they have no change.