Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have 1 kid and stay in the city. You both win. suburban family life ain’t all that. I know a lot of moms like me who have lost our souls and personhoods here. Can’t wait for an empty nest and to move back to a city

This! At least seriously consider it.

My DH sounds different from yours in some ways, but he was clear that he was ambivalent on kids and that his career would come first, but he knew I wanted kids so he was ok with it. He wasn't actively anti-kids or anything like that. We have 1 and it's worked out great. He does put his career first, and I've lost a bit of myself to motherhood, and having 2 would have been a disaster.

We did do the suburban thing, and it's alright, but staying closer to the city would have pushed things from great to awesome.

This and another post talk about "losing" oneself to motherhood. If you and that other PP actually mean "I left my career track and wish I had not," I wish you'd both just come out and say that clearly. If you mean, "I realized I don't like the feeling I"m supposed to be on the PTA or hang with neighborhood moms," say so. If you know what you "lost," name it and figure out what you should be doing so you're not going around feeling lost in suburbia. It does not have to be that way.

Pp you quoted. I do know and am addressing these things, but they aren’t relevant to my DH’s thoughts on kids or the topic of this thread. If OP starts a thread on her thoughts on motherhood, I’m happy to elaborate.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said you waited long enough for your DH to see the reality of early parenting (sleepless nights, crying kids, etc.). I believe you might be in for more responsibilities early on, but your DH will love his own child with you and will find his gear.

[Anonymous]

Just divorce now if you really want kids

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine, and he's having cold feet. You don't need to lead a boring suburban life with kids, anyway. I was raised in Paris

The opposite can be true too.
My husband talked about kids on the first date. He really wanted them. But when they came, he didn't know how to interact with them at all, and I was the primary caregiver. I was fine with that, but it's amusing that in his mind, he thought coming home from work, kissing his kids goodnight and paying all the many child-related bills was being a good father... just like his father before him. He's a doctor, and talks a good game about feminism, etc, but when push comes to shove, he really wants the pretty stay at home wife taking care of house and kids.
Now the kids are teens, he does interact with them more, tutors them in math and science, talks about investing and history/geopolitical events with them. It's been nice to see. He's just not a little kid person.

So just go ahead, OP. Don't wait for infertility to rear its ugly head. We chose to have kids very early, and it was a good thing, because I was hit with secondary infertility due to all sorts of health issues in my late 30s.

[Anonymous]

If someone really does not want kids, get a divorce.

He may or may not be happy. You want different things. Better to end it now.

[Anonymous]

Have a kid, divorce, get together with a single dad


OP, does DH act like he is your kid already? Or does take care of himself and your married life like an adult?

[Anonymous]

How old is DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is DH?

Op here. He is 35 and I am 36.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have serious convo and make sure your goals are aligned. Having kids is life changing and if he really doesn't want his life to change then you shouldn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Idk OP, it’s impossible for anybody to predict what would happen, but I would have significant hesitation taking the road that some folks have suggested (having one kid and staying the city, for example). When I hear someone say “I don’t want the white picket fence/suburban life“, to me that sounds like a super lazy way of saying “I want something, different“, or more to the point, I don’t want what we have. And I know that must be incredibly painful to hear. But vaguely gesturing to your life and saying that he doesn’t want it, but he’ll have kids because he knows you want them is not only irresponsible, it’s unsustainable. You say that he’s got a short fuse now; having a baby and toddler around is a 24 seven job and irritates everybody. It’s only tolerable because it’s a choice that you’ve made. My kid annoys me all the time but I love her so much it would break my heart so the annoyance just settles to the bottom or fades away. It doesn’t come out in my behavior.

Time for a heart to heart and call this guy’s bluff. Ask him specifically about his dislike of suburbia and the whole lifestyle and what it is he needs changed. Tell him you’re not willing to have a kid with somebody and roll the dice that he won’t abandon you with a toddler. If he’s willing to have children, he needs to put in the effort to be specific about planning out a life that is sustainable for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

At least he’s being honest with you.

My DH was in a similar headspace but didn’t voice it, we had a kid, and now he complains a lot about how inconvenient DC is, and he does NOT step up in the way I thought he would. Having a child changed my life, I think for the better, by giving me something truly meaningful to dedicate myself to. He didn’t seem to get that.

He has finally come around and seems to now understand that this is the major project of our lives and is worth working hard for. But it took 6 years and only got better when both DC was in school. The baby/toddler years were incredibly hard on me and I felt like a single mom much of the time.

At least he’s self aware about this. My DH just refused to admit to himself that he wasn’t ready for kids, and then refused to grow up even once he had one. And that’s why we only have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

In short solo parenting with a financial safety net. I knew this going in and I was okay with it. He loves the kids and now that they are older teens he’s more involved but the baby/Elem/MS years were all on me.

Jesus. Quite the deal for him. I hope he is good in bed at least?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

I would schedule something with a counselor. This could fine, or could be a disaster. But your DH needs to be honest.

Can he see himself with one child in the city?

Or like others said, did y’all wait too late and he see what effort goes into kids and doesn’t want them?

You all need to exhaustively discuss this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

We obviously talked about having a family and kids and he was on board. After we got married we did not making enough money to have kids. We both agreed. Recently we both got better jobs and it finally seems like we can finally TTC.

Only now he doesn’t seem excited at the process and keeps saying babies are weird, and super boring and he doesn’t want a super boring suburban life.

He’s a super selfish person.

[Anonymous]

36? Fertility drops like a stone over a cliff in your late 30s, OP. Now is the time if you want a child.

If your husband says he will have a child with you, believe him. You can work it so it's not the usual suburban life. Talk to him about how he envisions his life with a child in the city. Plenty of people raise kids in cities, and are hip, carefree parents (if that's what he means). Plenty of people travel with their babies all over the world. There is no reason to do the big house, large lawn, minivan, soccer thing.