Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not have kids with someone who isn’t on board. I have friends like this and it’s painful to see.

Disagree. Have the kids. You are already old and not enough time to find new guy and get it done.

You may end up single mom, so it depends on which outcome sounds better — married to man child or single mom dating to find a new DH. I would go for kids. Having kids on your own is $$$$. As long as you don’t push child support he’ll give you custody, natch.

Or maybe don’t have kids with someone who clearly doesn’t want them. Sometimes, it’s not about you and what YOU want. Why would you bring a child into a situation where one parent clearly doesn’t want them? That is selfish.

having one parent love you is more than enough for a great life....nothing selfish about it....more selfish to deny a life to someone

A great life after growing up with a parent who actively doesn’t want you? And maybe the sort who tells you that every day and acts in dozens of ways to undermine your belief that you deserve to exist?

You seem to know very little about psychological trauma in childhood and the lifelong devastating effects of it in the lives of millions of adults struggling today.

Being born to a single loving parent is one thing. If OP wants a kid, she’s better off having it that way then to have a child with a man who already knows he doesn’t want to be a father and may rise up to the significant challenges of parenting kids but becoming abusive to them.

I agree with the PP. I think most people, not born in the midst of horrible war, genocide, famine, are glad to be here regardless of how disadvantaged they are. My dad was a heroin addict and we were poor and using food stamps until my teens. But I'm very happy to be here and would do it again if given the chance, even if I knew my dad didn't want me.

[Anonymous]

leave him and then adopt or do ivf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

It means he wants to make you happy. What don’t you understand?

And to make himself miserable in the process. No thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

Ask him. To me, it means, he loves you so he'll put his fears aside for you. It also means if he couldn't pitch in as much as you want, you can't blame him. To be fear, committing to a suburban family life with 2 babies, sleepless nights, van, daycare, college tuition and what not sounds scary and one needs some big incentive. For him, that incentive is to get to be with you.

[Anonymous]

if your family is on board to support you, why not become a single mom by choice? I did, and my family is thrilled I had my daughter on my own. I don't negotiate anything with someone who didn't really want to be parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

We obviously talked about having a family and kids and he was on board. After we got married we did not making enough money to have kids. We both agreed. Recently we both got better jobs and it finally seems like we can finally TTC.

Only now he doesn’t seem excited at the process and keeps saying babies are weird, and super boring and he doesn’t want a super boring suburban life.

You put if off for too long. Now, he wants something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

We obviously talked about having a family and kids and he was on board. After we got married we did not making enough money to have kids. We both agreed. Recently we both got better jobs and it finally seems like we can finally TTC.

Only now he doesn’t seem excited at the process and keeps saying babies are weird, and super boring and he doesn’t want a super boring suburban life.

You put if off for too long. Now, he wants something new.

Yeah it’s definitely all her fault.

Idiot.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure he said HE doesn't want kids or a suburban life? He may have said (or meant) "There are certain people who do not want kids or a suburban life."

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame him. I always assumed I’d want a kids and family, but kept pushing off having kids. We had legitimate reasons to wait. Finally pulled the trigger but deep down was unsure. I went along with it as my husband really wanted kids.

Now? I now know I would have been so much happier not having kids. I’ve lost the ability to focus on my career, travel, my body, friends, leisure time, sleep etc. I love my kids but don’t enjoy it and don’t think you’re a terrible person for being honest with your SO.

[Anonymous]

At least he’s being honest. A lot of men aren’t and then don’t lift a finger anyway.

Stay in the city. He’ll be happier and will be more likely to actually help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Agree with this poster as well.

People change over time, they begin to know themselves better. In many cases I think it is less selfish to not have children

That's ridiculous. Someone has to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

We obviously talked about having a family and kids and he was on board. After we got married we did not making enough money to have kids. We both agreed. Recently we both got better jobs and it finally seems like we can finally TTC.

Only now he doesn’t seem excited at the process and keeps saying babies are weird, and super boring and he doesn’t want a super boring suburban life.

You put if off for too long. Now, he wants something new.

Yeah it’s definitely all her fault.

Idiot.

You as in you two.

[Anonymous]

Men often say they don't want kids, van and suburban house but when you break up, within a year or two they want it all but with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you have one kid and stay in DC? Yes, it's expensive and there are a lot of trade offs, but that's what my spouse and I did. We are a lot happier than we would be in suburbia.

This. Have a child and skip the suburbs. It is a conformist American myth that children need to grow up in a big house in the suburbs.