Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Agree with this poster as well.

People change over time, they begin to know themselves better. In many cases I think it is less selfish to not have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

You don’t think people change, PP? And do you think the entire purpose of marriage or adult life is to procreate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

You don’t think people change, PP? And do you think the entire purpose of marriage or adult life is to procreate?

dp.. yes, people can grow apart in their goals and wants. Sounds like this is what is happening with OP.

I will say, though, I have known men who didn't want children, so left their partners, only to then want them much later, and so had to find a different partner who wanted children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

You don’t think people change, PP? And do you think the entire purpose of marriage or adult life is to procreate?

I think everyone marries for for their own reasons, and there are spoken and unspoken expectations in every marriage. OP is perfectly entitled to have entered into her marriage with an explicit goal of having children.

People change, yes; in this case, if this really WAS a change of heart and not a decision to stop lying, the change came at an enormous cost for the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

You don’t think people change, PP? And do you think the entire purpose of marriage or adult life is to procreate?

dp.. yes, people can grow apart in their goals and wants. Sounds like this is what is happening with OP.

I will say, though, I have known men who didn't want children, so left their partners, only to then want them much later, and so had to find a different partner who wanted children.

That's the thing though; that OP's husband is denying OP her wish to have children, terminally, while retaining this option for himself down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have 1 kid and stay in the city. You both win. suburban family life ain’t all that. I know a lot of moms like me who have lost our souls and personhoods here. Can’t wait for an empty nest and to move back to a city

I came here to say this. One is infinitely easier than 2 or more and you do not have to confine yourself to the suburban bore. I had a wonderful time living in the city and now I have two wonderful boys in the burbs. I wish I stayed in the city with just one. Trust me, one gives you plenty of mom experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have 1 kid and stay in the city. You both win. suburban family life ain’t all that. I know a lot of moms like me who have lost our souls and personhoods here. Can’t wait for an empty nest and to move back to a city

I came here to say this. One is infinitely easier than 2 or more and you do not have to confine yourself to the suburban bore. I had a wonderful time living in the city and now I have two wonderful boys in the burbs. I wish I stayed in the city with just one. Trust me, one gives you plenty of mom experience.

Oh yes it's not like having children in the city requires sacrifice, reordering of priorities, time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

This is hilarious. Lying to a woman in order to get her to marry you and stay with you for ten years while you're both broke and fertile, and then on the eve of creating those children you assured her you wanted throwing "well I don't want that but if you do, I'll do it *for you*" so that he can give himself permission to check out of the responsibilities that come with parenting, is now courageous enough to be honest?

The bar for men is really underground. Lie for a decade, waste a woman's fertility, then get a ticker tape parade on the internet for your bravery and honesty for not lying anymore when it's too late for her to have the life you literally promised her. Amazing.

[Anonymous]

Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Even apart from the kids issue, I think this is depressingly true of most DHs (and maybe most ppl in general).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

+1 this DH sucks, sorry. Someone who knows and articulates from the start that they don't want kids -- totally fine, in no way selfish, probably a very well informed choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

Being honest would have been telling OP all this before the wedding so that she could find another man. He wasted her limited reproductive window while retaining his own options.

You don’t think people change, PP? And do you think the entire purpose of marriage or adult life is to procreate?

To a lot of people, yes that is the point. And in this case the DH allowed OP to get married with that expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

What in the world is wrong with you?

How is this even relevant to this thread? Or you just post sexist crap wherever you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two boys is the kiss of misery for most women. Boys are a lot harder, slower to hit maturity milestones, crazy energy, etc. And there’s none of the feminine joy of getting to raise and mold a daughter. You just hope your boys don’t end up in jail.

wtf did I just read