Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

NP. People change their minds. I (a woman) thought I wanted kids until we actually came to the point of trying for them. Then I decided I didn't want them. I wasn't lying to my husband; being on the precipice of TTC clarified my true feelings and desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

NP. People change their minds. I (a woman) thought I wanted kids until we actually came to the point of trying for them. Then I decided I didn't want them. I wasn't lying to my husband; being on the precipice of TTC clarified my true feelings and desires.

DP, but DH and I decided when we were older to have kids. We took a 3 month prep period before we purposely TTC to make sure it’s really what we wanted.

We succeeded in the first try, and I will never forget the terror in my heart when that second pink line appeared. It’s what I wanted more than anything, and had spent years hoping we would decide the way we did, but all the sudden, it was awful in the moment. Feelings are complicated places. DD is amazing, loved beyond the moon and stars, and everything I wanted, but if you had have seen or talked to me in that moment…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you have one kid and stay in DC? Yes, it's expensive and there are a lot of trade offs, but that's what my spouse and I did. We are a lot happier than we would be in suburbia.

+100 except I am in close-in suburb that is walkable/dense. One car. One kid. Amazing lifestyle. You cans till afford and have time for a lot of adult/non-parent lifestyle things if you are one-and-done. Highly recommend. And believe me you still experience parenting fully, both good and bad... lol

Also want to vote in support of this option. We have one child in the city, and while the first few years with a baby-toddler are a lot of work because babies/toddlers are babies/toddlers, by the time you get to elementary age, barring special needs, one child is an amazing lifestyle that gives you the experience of parenting with much, much less stress. That's a generalization and all kids are different, but in general you have a lot more time and freedom with one.

And pessimistically, if DH doesn't step up and things don't work out, I would much rather be a single parent to one than multiple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure he said HE doesn't want kids or a suburban life? He may have said (or meant) "There are certain people who do not want kids or a suburban life."

Crickets on this, I notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

NP. People change their minds. I (a woman) thought I wanted kids until we actually came to the point of trying for them. Then I decided I didn't want them. I wasn't lying to my husband; being on the precipice of TTC clarified my true feelings and desires.

DP, but DH and I decided when we were older to have kids. We took a 3 month prep period before we purposely TTC to make sure it’s really what we wanted.

We succeeded in the first try, and I will never forget the terror in my heart when that second pink line appeared. It’s what I wanted more than anything, and had spent years hoping we would decide the way we did, but all the sudden, it was awful in the moment. Feelings are complicated places. DD is amazing, loved beyond the moon and stars, and everything I wanted, but if you had have seen or talked to me in that moment…

+1. I felt like this postpartum and I cried soooo much over my desperate desire for a child, she was very wanted and planned. Not to mention if I'd realized how much pandemic parenthood would suck I probably wouldn't have had any kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you're 36 and he's willing (even if just for you), have a baby then figure out if you want to stay in the marriage. I'm assuming if you divorced he'd be a competent though disengaged co-parent and wouldn't fight you hard on custody. If you think he could get nasty, then different situation. But if I wanted to be a parent, I wouldn't give up on that to stay with him, or divorce then risk never becoming a parent. Maybe he'll step up and everything will work out, but better a divorced single mom than dealing with infertility as a single mom by choice. I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's unfair doesn't leave you with any great options.

[Anonymous]

If you want children as well as a suburban life at this stage in your life yet your husband does not - then it is best to get a divorce.

Simple.
No way would I have children w/a partner who stated that they do not want them.
Even worse if that person claimed they would only have them if I wanted to.

I understand that ten yrs together is a big deal but just because you two have a decade together is no reason to stay together and create a family/future if one partner isn’t fully into doing so.

So sorry you are dealing w/all of this but be grateful your husband is being honest w/you about all of this now.

There is another poster on here who is dealing w/a disengaged spouse who isn’t interested in his own kids at all.

Be glad you are not in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're 36 and he's willing (even if just for you), have a baby then figure out if you want to stay in the marriage. I'm assuming if you divorced he'd be a competent though disengaged co-parent and wouldn't fight you hard on custody. If you think he could get nasty, then different situation. But if I wanted to be a parent, I wouldn't give up on that to stay with him, or divorce then risk never becoming a parent. Maybe he'll step up and everything will work out, but better a divorced single mom than dealing with infertility as a single mom by choice. I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's unfair doesn't leave you with any great options.

Okay this wins Worst Advice Award on DCUM today. Do NOT bring a kid into an unstable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

NP. People change their minds. I (a woman) thought I wanted kids until we actually came to the point of trying for them. Then I decided I didn't want them. I wasn't lying to my husband; being on the precipice of TTC clarified my true feelings and desires.

And if you “changed your mind” at a time in your life where you had wasted your husbands fertile years on the lie that you had the same goals, and thereby denied him the opportunity for biological children, I’d say you were abusive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed

I think a lot has changed but I’ll cite two things. 1) my mom worked very very part time and my family had a normal middle class life in Los Angeles on my dads academic salary. We were a little unique in that we did not have family around to help

2) lower expectations/demands on child rearing and household management. Camp was ymca or similar all summer. We didn’t have tutors or therapists. My mom didn’t do orange theory or plan international travel or renovate every 10 years. It didn’t take 45 minutes to drive 5 miles.

You can still do this. Parents who stay home often become the tutor. People get a dog and walk it and they run with friends and do youtube videos all over my neighborhood for exercise. You don't need to renovate or travel internationally. In fact with the internet there is less need of this stuff. Schools are less rigorous. Many people just do swim club and babysit or help out working parents in the summer to gain skills. Just lower your expectations on expenses. Other than computers and cell phones which are probably must haves in this generation, there aren't additional expenses.

You go out to more rural counties and there are plenty of people talking about the sixth kid they just have. They laugh at Orangetheory and stuff like that.

+1 agree with the beginning of your post that COL was lower and many more families could live well on a single income. But when it comes to orange theory and renovations and international travel, you are making those sound like obligations (poor mom has to do all that) when they are luxuries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

NP. People change their minds. I (a woman) thought I wanted kids until we actually came to the point of trying for them. Then I decided I didn't want them. I wasn't lying to my husband; being on the precipice of TTC clarified my true feelings and desires.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

Because you are needing to take action, and need to hope it (TTC) works, he may be saying he doesn't necessarily, want kids ... he may be saying this, thinking, he's softening the blow for you if it doesn't work. You wouldn't be disappointing him.

I, with everything you are going through (TTC) I would NOT think harshly of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you're 36 and he's willing (even if just for you), have a baby then figure out if you want to stay in the marriage. I'm assuming if you divorced he'd be a competent though disengaged co-parent and wouldn't fight you hard on custody. If you think he could get nasty, then different situation. But if I wanted to be a parent, I wouldn't give up on that to stay with him, or divorce then risk never becoming a parent. Maybe he'll step up and everything will work out, but better a divorced single mom than dealing with infertility as a single mom by choice. I'm sorry you're in this position, OP. It's unfair doesn't leave you with any great options.

Okay this wins Worst Advice Award on DCUM today. Do NOT bring a kid into an unstable marriage.

It doesn't sound like the marriage is unstable, it just sounds like DH is being honest that he doesn't really want kids, but would have them for OP. As has been said previously on this thread, I think there are MANY prospective parents that feel this way and just don't articulate it to their partner. Some of them become absentee parents, but many-most grow to love the child(ren) they have and are perfectly good parents. But I had infertility younger than OP and as much as I love my husband and adore him as a father, I'd rather have my child than my marriage. Fertility isn't a guarantee, particularly if she divorces then tries to become a parent on her own in a few years, and many people have babies and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed

I think a lot has changed but I’ll cite two things. 1) my mom worked very very part time and my family had a normal middle class life in Los Angeles on my dads academic salary. We were a little unique in that we did not have family around to help

2) lower expectations/demands on child rearing and household management. Camp was ymca or similar all summer. We didn’t have tutors or therapists. My mom didn’t do orange theory or plan international travel or renovate every 10 years. It didn’t take 45 minutes to drive 5 miles.

You can still do this. Parents who stay home often become the tutor. People get a dog and walk it and they run with friends and do youtube videos all over my neighborhood for exercise. You don't need to renovate or travel internationally. In fact with the internet there is less need of this stuff. Schools are less rigorous. Many people just do swim club and babysit or help out working parents in the summer to gain skills. Just lower your expectations on expenses. Other than computers and cell phones which are probably must haves in this generation, there aren't additional expenses.

You go out to more rural counties and there are plenty of people talking about the sixth kid they just have. They laugh at Orangetheory and stuff like that.

+1 agree with the beginning of your post that COL was lower and many more families could live well on a single income. But when it comes to orange theory and renovations and international travel, you are making those sound like obligations (poor mom has to do all that) when they are luxuries.

I was saying that in rural counties people don't think those things are anything but luxuries. They think city people go overboard with spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have 1 kid and stay in the city. You both win. suburban family life ain’t all that. I know a lot of moms like me who have lost our souls and personhoods here. Can’t wait for an empty nest and to move back to a city

This! At least seriously consider it.

My DH sounds different from yours in some ways, but he was clear that he was ambivalent on kids and that his career would come first, but he knew I wanted kids so he was ok with it. He wasn't actively anti-kids or anything like that. We have 1 and it's worked out great. He does put his career first, and I've lost a bit of myself to motherhood, and having 2 would have been a disaster.

We did do the suburban thing, and it's alright, but staying closer to the city would have pushed things from great to awesome.

This and another post talk about "losing" oneself to motherhood. If you and that other PP actually mean "I left my career track and wish I had not," I wish you'd both just come out and say that clearly. If you mean, "I realized I don't like the feeling I"m supposed to be on the PTA or hang with neighborhood moms," say so. If you know what you "lost," name it and figure out what you should be doing so you're not going around feeling lost in suburbia. It does not have to be that way.

Friendships lost
Physically look old
Not caring for self as much
Lack of sleep
Engulfed in motherhood with no other things going on etc.
different things