Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

Don’t have children with such an ambivalent man. How cruel to the children. Better off being a SMBC.

[Anonymous]

I know it feels scary to divorce at 36, but I do have a friend who did (sort of similar reason -- her husband was just not ready to be a Dad), she met someone almost immediately, they had a couple years together, and then she had a kid at 38 and 40.

It's absolutely a risk. You have to assess just how bad of a Dad your husband would be. I would set a mental deadline for yourself (like 6 months).

But as others have said, you can raise kids in the city. I'm doing it (with two kids). The people I know here with one kid have a very adult city life and lots of freedom. If he is being sincere about that fear, maybe there's a way around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will probably be able to handle one kid, but not two. Two kids is a crazy ballgame of stress and misery and no time for yourself. It’s also harder to compromise as you get older and kids require you to pretty much compromise everything. He will be miserable.

Sad, but true.

+1. This is why I have an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will probably be able to handle one kid, but not two. Two kids is a crazy ballgame of stress and misery and no time for yourself. It’s also harder to compromise as you get older and kids require you to pretty much compromise everything. He will be miserable.

Sad, but true.

+1. This is why I have an only child.

Me too. I probably could have handled the stress of two. Dh, not so much. I loved dh more than the idea of a theoretical kid, and I didn’t want to introduce something to our lives that made him miserable. So we stuck with one. Fwiw I have a general theory that my friends with two kids where are least one is a girl have happy or at least tolerable marriages (assuming they did before kids). My friends with two boys all have marriages in the crapper. So you take the risks when having two that things will be bad. All my friends with one kid have pretty reasonable lives, balanced marriages etc. I honestly don’t know why more ppl don’t have one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

This. This is a way more mature outlook than the way op is framing it. Having kids is brutal. Those men who think it’s going to be awesome and wants lots of kids either 1. Are immature and/or deluding themselves, 2. Are insanely high energy, or 3. Are telling you that they expect that you wifey will handle the vast majority of it.

Assuming the husband is not the ten percent of the population that is insanely high energy, the man who is wary is the more mature, thoughtful husband.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford a $1m home in the burbs + $2000/mo or more for daycare? If not, I wouldn't want to do it either.

[Anonymous]

Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will probably be able to handle one kid, but not two. Two kids is a crazy ballgame of stress and misery and no time for yourself. It’s also harder to compromise as you get older and kids require you to pretty much compromise everything. He will be miserable.

Sad, but true.

+1. This is why I have an only child.

Me too. I probably could have handled the stress of two. Dh, not so much. I loved dh more than the idea of a theoretical kid, and I didn’t want to introduce something to our lives that made him miserable. So we stuck with one. Fwiw I have a general theory that my friends with two kids where are least one is a girl have happy or at least tolerable marriages (assuming they did before kids). My friends with two boys all have marriages in the crapper. So you take the risks when having two that things will be bad. All my friends with one kid have pretty reasonable lives, balanced marriages etc. I honestly don’t know why more ppl don’t have one kid.

Person with 2 boys here. Our marriage isn’t in the crapper, but I would enjoy my life a lot more with just one kid. I love my second, don’t get me wrong, but there’s no guarantee your kids will be neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

This. This is a way more mature outlook than the way op is framing it. Having kids is brutal. Those men who think it’s going to be awesome and wants lots of kids either 1. Are immature and/or deluding themselves, 2. Are insanely high energy, or 3. Are telling you that they expect that you wifey will handle the vast majority of it.

Assuming the husband is not the ten percent of the population that is insanely high energy, the man who is wary is the more mature, thoughtful husband.

or 4) are very rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who said you waited long enough for your DH to see the reality of early parenting (sleepless nights, crying kids, etc.). I believe you might be in for more responsibilities early on, but your DH will love his own child with you and will find his gear.

eh.. I know men who are very disengaged fathers. One I know never went on vacation with the kids until they were *much* older. The kids aren't stupid. They see it. They see when their cousin's dad is very engaged and plays with the kids, goes on vacations with them, supports their activities, but not their own dad. Very sad for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

This. This is a way more mature outlook than the way op is framing it. Having kids is brutal. Those men who think it’s going to be awesome and wants lots of kids either 1. Are immature and/or deluding themselves, 2. Are insanely high energy, or 3. Are telling you that they expect that you wifey will handle the vast majority of it.

Assuming the husband is not the ten percent of the population that is insanely high energy, the man who is wary is the more mature, thoughtful husband.

or 4) are very rich.

But in this case 4 goes along with 3, or they are going to throw enough money outsource the less “desirable” parts of parenting. They don’t *want* a bunch of kids but it is what’s done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have 1 kid and stay in the city. You both win. suburban family life ain’t all that. I know a lot of moms like me who have lost our souls and personhoods here. Can’t wait for an empty nest and to move back to a city

Sacrifices that parenting requires do not diminish in the city. In fact, DC comes with its own parenting challenges that require more effort, time and money. Let's not pretend that sleeplessness, fatigue, money issues or different schedules all vanish once you cross into the district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to post in response to OP’s comment about maturity - that it’s actually exceedingly mature to recognize one’s lack of desire for kids and be up front and open about it.

This world is full of selfish people and people doing what everyone else is doing without giving any actual considered thought to whether parenting is something they actually want and are actually up to the bar to perform in that role. The evidence of that selfish thoughtlessness is all around us, in the wreckage of so many lives that started in being born to reluctant or emotionally immature parents who are mired in their own problems and are never actually capable of bringing anything close to an A game to the role of parenting.

Your husband has been courageous enough to be honest. If you cannot grasp the maturity in that, you have issues of your own and maybe you need to spend some time looking at those.

Agree with this poster.