Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

This. We set a time table (3 years after we married) and if DH had stalled or reneged, I’d have been gone.

[Anonymous]

For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

In short solo parenting with a financial safety net. I knew this going in and I was okay with it. He loves the kids and now that they are older teens he’s more involved but the baby/Elem/MS years were all on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I'm wondering how you got ten years without discussing this?

We obviously talked about having a family and kids and he was on board. After we got married we did not making enough money to have kids. We both agreed. Recently we both got better jobs and it finally seems like we can finally TTC.

Only now he doesn’t seem excited at the process and keeps saying babies are weird, and super boring and he doesn’t want a super boring suburban life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been bringing up TTC and he says that he doesn’t want kids or the suburban life but he will have them with me because I want them.

This looks like a serious thing to say. How can he say he doesn’t want them but will have them with me? What does that even mean? My head is spinning.

It means he wants to make you happy. What don’t you understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

In short solo parenting with a financial safety net. I knew this going in and I was okay with it. He loves the kids and now that they are older teens he’s more involved but the baby/Elem/MS years were all on me.

I think that's BS. It takes two to make a baby. If he really didn't want to be a parent, then he shouldn't have kids. Did he not love the kids when they were babies/toddlers? How sad for your kids.

BTW, my DH was not sold on having kids, either, but when we had them, he stepped up, because again, it takes two.

[Anonymous]

While I understand what a shock this must be after investing a decade in the marriage (did he never express apprehension about parenting before?), I would consider moving on and not having kids with him - unless you want to be with him and not have kids.

Most men who reluctantly father children for the woman’s sake do not suddenly step up and become great dads. Often they are worse than having no dad in the house - I should know, my father was one of them. He had no stress tolerance for kids and he made us feel unwanted by his words and his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

Same here but he didn’t tell me that was the deal beforehand. We wound up divorcing bc I was already a single parent and so fed up w being resentful and with how much of an ahole he was when I “asked for help.” Now I’m a single parent with no money and I wish I had never met him.

[Anonymous]

Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

In short solo parenting with a financial safety net. I knew this going in and I was okay with it. He loves the kids and now that they are older teens he’s more involved but the baby/Elem/MS years were all on me.

I think that's BS. It takes two to make a baby. If he really didn't want to be a parent, then he shouldn't have kids. Did he not love the kids when they were babies/toddlers? How sad for your kids.

BTW, my DH was not sold on having kids, either, but when we had them, he stepped up, because again, it takes two.

Since you think it’s BS, this is not something that would work for you. It worked for me. Different choices for different people. I never said he didn’t love the kids when they were babies/toddlers. What I said was that all the parenting responsibilities fell to me and I knew that going in.

[Anonymous]

Get out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you have one kid and stay in DC? Yes, it's expensive and there are a lot of trade offs, but that's what my spouse and I did. We are a lot happier than we would be in suburbia.

[Anonymous]

Do not have kids with someone who isn’t on board. I have friends like this and it’s painful to see.