Husband of 10 years says he doesn’t want kids or a suburban life

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed

I think a lot has changed but I’ll cite two things. 1) my mom worked very very part time and my family had a normal middle class life in Los Angeles on my dads academic salary. We were a little unique in that we did not have family around to help

2) lower expectations/demands on child rearing and household management. Camp was ymca or similar all summer. We didn’t have tutors or therapists. My mom didn’t do orange theory or plan international travel or renovate every 10 years. It didn’t take 45 minutes to drive 5 miles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it meant he would financially care for them but all parenting was on me. From infant through teen yrs it’s on me. Diapers, middle of the night feedings, preschool choice, IEP meetings, drs appts, summer camp, learning to drive, managing play dates.

In short solo parenting with a financial safety net. I knew this going in and I was okay with it. He loves the kids and now that they are older teens he’s more involved but the baby/Elem/MS years were all on me.

That’s not love. That’s fair whether “you no longer cramp my lifestyle and time” parenting, but not love. You chose poorly, and shame on you that your kids missed out on a l truly loving and devoted father. No parting yourself in the back for having done it all in the early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

Man, people have such trouble reading. He is not denying OP anything. He is stating that he doesn’t *want* that life for himself, but WOULD do it for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will probably be able to handle one kid, but not two. Two kids is a crazy ballgame of stress and misery and no time for yourself. It’s also harder to compromise as you get older and kids require you to pretty much compromise everything. He will be miserable.

Sad, but true.

+1. This is why I have an only child.

Me too. I probably could have handled the stress of two. Dh, not so much. I loved dh more than the idea of a theoretical kid, and I didn’t want to introduce something to our lives that made him miserable. So we stuck with one. Fwiw I have a general theory that my friends with two kids where are least one is a girl have happy or at least tolerable marriages (assuming they did before kids). My friends with two boys all have marriages in the crapper. So you take the risks when having two that things will be bad. All my friends with one kid have pretty reasonable lives, balanced marriages etc. I honestly don’t know why more ppl don’t have one kid.

That's weird. From a sample size of two I can say that my best friend has two boys and a great marriage and another very close friend has a girl (older) and a boy and her marriage is a disaster and has been for a long time.

Also, we wanted one kid and ended up with surprise twins (no fertility treatments or IVF or anything like that, just spontaneous). Obviously that's not the norm, but just saying, there's a lot you probably don't know about people's lives, so it seems weird to generalize like you did.

What!! I don't agree at all. I have two boys and have several friends with two boys. I think our marriages are more romantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

Man, people have such trouble reading. He is not denying OP anything. He is stating that he doesn’t *want* that life for himself, but WOULD do it for her.

He’s denying her a child who is wanted by both their parents. Which is basically the baseline. He said he wanted to have children, and what is is saying now is he will only have children who get to live a lifetime as unwanted. That’s beyond a bait and switch because no responsible parent wants that for their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed?

I think it's become more acceptable to NOT have kids, and to express that you don't want kids, is one thing. Leave aside how expensive life is now, and how overwhelming parenting is, and you have a permission system to say no to all that.

I didn't want kids and don't have them, and am grateful that it was my choice to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed?

People want more in life and frankly have higher standards

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed?

People want more in life and frankly have higher standards

Champagne tastes on a beer budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What I don't understand is that most of us grew up with two parents or maybe even one that provided for us and helped us become adults. Why do people these days think they can't hack it when their parents did? Did they come from a household of extended family or something and now they don't have it? What has changed

I think a lot has changed but I’ll cite two things. 1) my mom worked very very part time and my family had a normal middle class life in Los Angeles on my dads academic salary. We were a little unique in that we did not have family around to help

2) lower expectations/demands on child rearing and household management. Camp was ymca or similar all summer. We didn’t have tutors or therapists. My mom didn’t do orange theory or plan international travel or renovate every 10 years. It didn’t take 45 minutes to drive 5 miles.

You can still do this. Parents who stay home often become the tutor. People get a dog and walk it and they run with friends and do youtube videos all over my neighborhood for exercise. You don't need to renovate or travel internationally. In fact with the internet there is less need of this stuff. Schools are less rigorous. Many people just do swim club and babysit or help out working parents in the summer to gain skills. Just lower your expectations on expenses. Other than computers and cell phones which are probably must haves in this generation, there aren't additional expenses.

You go out to more rural counties and there are plenty of people talking about the sixth kid they just have. They laugh at Orangetheory and stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

It means he'll do what it takes to have the kid, but don't expect him to be involved in any meaningful/helpful way. You'll be a single mama with a husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you making more money than your dh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely when you were dating, the kids and suburban life was some ideal mirage that seemed okay.

He’s older now, and has friends who have had kids and he knows the stories from the trenches: lack of sleep, whiney kids and teens, expensive daycare and activities, and the biggie: decline in sex because DW is wiped out caring for kids.

You waited to long, he knows what I really means to “have a baby” — it’s a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice.

He probably expects you to leave and he can date a younger model and repeat the cycle.

Op here. I am thinking this too. He doesn’t like to be inconvenienced and has a short discomfort tolerance and he is more curmudgeonly as he gets older.

I thought he would become more mature but it’s the opposite case here.

Or, he has become more mature and realizes his desires and limitations and is expressing them.

We need to stop it with the having kids is somehow the more mature or more adult decision, or that people who choose not to have kids are selfish narrative.

Flushing a decade of someone's top fertile years down the toilet because you suddenly became "more mature" is the definition of selfish.

This. OPs husband is a sick, selfish person. Declining fertility after 35 is a known, published, fact. So what her husband had done is vastly limit HER options in order to preserve his. Frankly this kind of abuse is the kind of thing which would make me not want to have a kid with him at all— what other sacrifices with your children be making to make sure he’s not inconvenienced.

To be clear, if he was saying this when she was 30 and giving her the option to pursue parenthood and a loving family elsewhere I would not feel this way. There is nothing wrong with not having children. There is everything wrong with leading someone on— even your spouse.

It doesn’t sound like you could comfortably do SMMC financially, but if you can, do that. Think long and hard before you make this man legally responsible for another human being.

Lol. It’s not abuse to have different goals and wants as your wife. Holy shit. Culture of victimhood has really jumped the shark.

It’s abuse to deny your spouse children while lying to them. It in fact used to be grounds for at-fault divorce.

Man, people have such trouble reading. He is not denying OP anything. He is stating that he doesn’t *want* that life for himself, but WOULD do it for her.

He’s denying her a child who is wanted by both their parents. Which is basically the baseline. He said he wanted to have children, and what is is saying now is he will only have children who get to live a lifetime as unwanted. That’s beyond a bait and switch because no responsible parent wants that for their child.

You have a very simplistic and naïve view of the human condition, abs that’s kind of admirable. Unwanted does not necessarily mean unloved. Maybe I’m older than you, but I can say many of our parents had us because it’s what the greater expectation was, not because they wanted children above all other things. Many parents keep an unplanned / “unwanted” pregnancy only to state and feel years later that it was a life changing and positive change in their lives.

What OPs husband wants is to make his wife happy, and that is not negligible in its weight.

It’s lovely when life can be so black and white as you seem to see it, but I’ve never experienced it that way, not have most people I know.