Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

OP in the mix of things to do-investigate bankruptcy for your medical debt. We had our share of the $2mil hospital bill for our DD who died. We were able to do Chap 13 and keep our home. Chap 13 is where all debts are paid but structured into one payment. The overwhelming stress of debt on multiple fronts is devastating. Even if you have to liquidate you’re lucky to have parents to provide a base for you. Coupled with job instability/loss-large and unexpected debt from medical bills make it hard to function just from the worry.

I hope you find a way forward as a family but do what you can to ease burdens where you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not looking to divorce. I am looking at a temporary separation that would benefit everyone. I would never ever move with the children without my DH agreeing to it. He could come too if he wanted. We are in a financial mess.

Am I responsible for our mess? Yes I take responsibility for my role in it. However, what is done is done. It’s time for me to figure out a situation that benefits everyone, including my DH. We don’t want a divorce- but we need some time and space to figure out our lives.

This is a very sad time for us. I want the best for my DH too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him more. And I know how much our children mean to him.

We are making decisions with grace and compassion for each other.

Really? Because it sounds like you're freaking out and making compulsive, punitive decisions.

He isn't making any decisions. You are unilaterally leaving him and stealing his children because you are too lazy to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has some issues. One of which is chronic job loss, followed by long periods of unemployment. He recently was terminated from another job after 1 year. This is the fifth job he has lost. We have a 14 month old and an almost 3 year old. I am not working. But I am tired of the constant instability. I believe the problem is him and not the jobs. I believe he has ADHD. He also is a pretty heavy drinker. I love my husband, and my children absolutely adore him, but this is not a good environment for me anymore. My DH brings me down and I can’t take the fall with him anymore. My children deserve a happy stable household.

My parents want me to separate from him and live with them (temporary). They can provide financial support for me while I try to build a career for myself.
This idea, while not ideal for myself would probably be in my best interest.

Has anybody been in my shoes before? What did you do? What advice do you have for me?

I suspect he is an alcoholic. I suggest attending Al-Anon meetings for friends and families of people with drinking problems. That is a place where you can get support while you are deciding what to do. Good luck, OP.

This is a leap (according to NIMH, the majority of people defined as heavy drinkers do not meet criteria for alcohol use disorder ("alcoholic" is a lay term).

We have no idea what OP is labeling a heavy drinker either. Also she "believes" he has ADHD.

Instead, should say, "his drinking suggests the possibility he could have a real problem"

Granted, there is a chance that moving cross-country and leaving DH behind could fix the marriage, but I doubt it.

No explanation of why he loses these jobs, what his career field is and whether his field is really a match for him, etc etc.

Assuming money is very tight right now, nonetheless: Voc Rehab services are free and can provide assessment for ADHD (I've known men who were diagnosed in their 40s and it was life-changing in a good way); if evidence of an impairment is there, they can provide services (that could end up including an alcohol eval, which could also entitle him to services but treatment would be required). Second, find a resource for couples therapy. University family counseling grad programs often offer therapy for free/sliding scale (used this for a time, cost $5 a session) as part of students' training; they do this under supervision themselves. Contact local chapter of Mental Health America, NAMI, or other mental health/family services organizations for resources/contacts.

It's nice that you have a safety net in the event of disaster, but you owe it to your marriage, your kids, yourself, and your DH to take a problem-solving approach first. ALL of this sounds fixable given the involved parties want to fix it.

Let's say you are living in a house with slightly leaky roof, iffy plumbing, doors hanging crooked. It is livable but a drag and sometimes it gets the best of you. Options: torch it or get to work on repairs. Torching it is always an option, but it's one you can't undo once done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP in the mix of things to do-investigate bankruptcy for your medical debt. We had our share of the $2mil hospital bill for our DD who died. We were able to do Chap 13 and keep our home. Chap 13 is where all debts are paid but structured into one payment. The overwhelming stress of debt on multiple fronts is devastating. Even if you have to liquidate you’re lucky to have parents to provide a base for you. Coupled with job instability/loss-large and unexpected debt from medical bills make it hard to function just from the worry.

I hope you find a way forward as a family but do what you can to ease burdens where you can.

I am very sorry for your loss and the financial stress placed on top of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

Maybe she doesn't want to let him be a stay at home dad who drinks heavily. Kind of a downer to spend your working day wondering if daddy plowed the car into a tree with the kids in it, or passed out drunk on the couch while the toddler discovered how matches work, or just made another poor but less life-threatening choice.

You clearly missed the biggest red flag in her post, PP. And you did it while dripping your condescending scorn on her for being a lazy ol' SAHM.

To OP:

Did you ever consider that DH doesn't hold jobs because of his drinking? Your post sounds as if you don't link the two things. But there's one big picture here and job loss is just one part of it. If you think, oh, but he doesn't drink at work or even doesn't drink on weekdays--you need to learn fast. People who drink heavily (your own term, "heavy") have plenty of other issues that will manifest at work, in relationships, eventually with your kids. You once wanted to be with him enough to marry him. Have you told him you are thinking of leaving? Told him you believe he's an alcoholic and said that treatment is non-negotiable? If you aren't telling him all this bluntly, you need to. Moving to your parents' could give him the shock he needs. But have you first told him how serious you are about ending things?

Would your parents be equally willing to help you by caring for the kids while you get a job but without your moving in with them, if he will get to rehab, AA and therapy? Or will they only have your back if you leave him?

[Anonymous]

So if I were you OP, I would decide to move on with my life. Go to your parents, with the kids. Get a job. Plenty of teachers support their families, and it fits in nicely with school age children. Tell your DH he can join you when he has his sh*t together and he's stopped drinking.

Your life with your kids will be the meat. If your DH can move his life along, he can be the gravy.


But you need to come to terms with the idea that you can only count on yourself. Losing 5 jobs is screwed up. Your DH is a drunk.

[Anonymous]

He is under an immense amount of stress. He is the sole breadwinner and there are mounting debts. He likely feels he is drowning. I am not sure if his drinking is actually an addiction or more self medicating to deal with the massive stress, guilt, and shame he likely experiences.

If he is unemployed then will he come with you if you move? Do you rent or own? Maybe he will have more job options on the west coast as well. Why don't you make the move as a family. You will be close to your family for extra support, you can get a job, and you can figure out next steps. That way your kids don't need to experience the loss of a parent and you can figure this out together. You are still going to have to deal with the debt if you run to the west coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

If you can support the three of you in California on a teacher's salary with paid childcare, why can't you do it here with free childcare? I mean, if your husband is a disaster and your marriage has ended, then leave. But the idea that your dad couldn't send you the money he'd pay for childcare in CA while you stay here and get a job seems ... convenient.

No, her parents seem realistic.

She would have support in her parents house. At a minimum she doesnt have to pay for rent and daycare. But I’m betting her parents will also be providing many intangibles like babysitting on the weekends, paying for utilities, etc. If she stays here, she has to cover the mortgage and all living expenses in addition to picking up the slack for her husband. All with very little (or no) support.

Those are some long odds. Her dad giving her financial support in those circumstances would just delay the inevitable. I wouldn’t do it.

There is another parent in the home with nothing to do. Whatever OP implied, her husband was doing gangbusters at work not too long ago, according to her, and held this job for a year. Who's to say he couldn't manage to keep their kids alive sometimes on the weekends when there's no child care? Or who says he can't be child care? She didn't say he was fired for being drunk at work, either.

I think she's mad and stressed out, and she's not getting the life she was promised. I also think she regrets moving across the country from her family now that she has kids. And that sucks. But 1 + 1 does not equal 4, and that is where she is at this point. Step 4 instead of step 1, which is to try to let him take over the day to day while she at least starts subbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

Maybe she doesn't want to let him be a stay at home dad who drinks heavily. Kind of a downer to spend your working day wondering if daddy plowed the car into a tree with the kids in it, or passed out drunk on the couch while the toddler discovered how matches work, or just made another poor but less life-threatening choice.

You clearly missed the biggest red flag in her post, PP. And you did it while dripping your condescending scorn on her for being a lazy ol' SAHM.

To OP:

Did you ever consider that DH doesn't hold jobs because of his drinking? Your post sounds as if you don't link the two things. But there's one big picture here and job loss is just one part of it. If you think, oh, but he doesn't drink at work or even doesn't drink on weekdays--you need to learn fast. People who drink heavily (your own term, "heavy") have plenty of other issues that will manifest at work, in relationships, eventually with your kids. You once wanted to be with him enough to marry him. Have you told him you are thinking of leaving? Told him you believe he's an alcoholic and said that treatment is non-negotiable? If you aren't telling him all this bluntly, you need to. Moving to your parents' could give him the shock he needs. But have you first told him how serious you are about ending things?

Would your parents be equally willing to help you by caring for the kids while you get a job but without your moving in with them, if he will get to rehab, AA and therapy? Or will they only have your back if you leave him?

You're projecting all over the place. Her post was about him not bringing in money. The title, the bulk of the post, and even all the follow-up. She mentioned him drinking as an aside, you just want him to be a danger to his family (which she never says or even implies, although she's been back several times) because it justifies the OP's position that she should be allowed to kidnap her kids if he's not bringing home checks.

[Anonymous]

Wow, the amount of people calling OP lazy and saying she should ne breadwinner are high. No way would I let a heavy drinker be main caretaker for two young children. Dumbasses.

[Anonymous]

Take your parents offer. I have been in your shoes. Leaving was the best thing I could have done!! It’s scary but you can do it. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

What kind of work does your husband do?

How long have his stretches of employment and unemployment been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP in the mix of things to do-investigate bankruptcy for your medical debt. We had our share of the $2mil hospital bill for our DD who died. We were able to do Chap 13 and keep our home. Chap 13 is where all debts are paid but structured into one payment. The overwhelming stress of debt on multiple fronts is devastating. Even if you have to liquidate you’re lucky to have parents to provide a base for you. Coupled with job instability/loss-large and unexpected debt from medical bills make it hard to function just from the worry.

I hope you find a way forward as a family but do what you can to ease burdens where you can.

m

Op here- I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the advice. Our medical debt is insurmountable. I’m on a payment plan with the hospital and pay $125 a month, but It’s just crippling to know you owe so much money. We do not carry any other debt.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck with everything. Please try Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

People are concentrating a lot on the alcohol issue, but OP has only mentioned it once and slightly. I'm more interested in line of work and basic socio-economic status. I think it is hard to be blue collar and think that the man is supposed to make all the money. That attitude keeps people financially crutched for generations.