Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

You will also need to address your first statement. The belief that you cannot provide for yourself, or your children is a major problem. You need to find a way to provide for your kids WITHOUT relying on anyone else.

That's kinda hard to do when you have young children and don't make much money.

[Anonymous]

To be very clear: you cannot just take your children and move to the West Coast without your husband's consent because he lost his job. That's parental kidnapping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband also has ADHD and has brought instability to our lives for many years (including one period of unemployment). I really wish I had left him earlie as it only gets harder when your kids get older and become more aware of what’s going on. Your parents seem to have your best interest in mind.

I deeply regret marrying someone with untreated adhd. Unlike his sibling he isn’t losing jobs over it; but he does come home zapped of focus, attention, energy and is very far from a “life partner” in anything on the home front or kid front. And god forbid something happen to me.

Gin up the legal separation and divorce, talk to lawyer, tell spouse and move out.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he wouldn't drink if he had some assistance in providing for his family and not feeling like it all lies on his shoulders. *shrugs*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

If you can support the three of you in California on a teacher's salary with paid childcare, why can't you do it here with free childcare? I mean, if your husband is a disaster and your marriage has ended, then leave. But the idea that your dad couldn't send you the money he'd pay for childcare in CA while you stay here and get a job seems ... convenient.

[Anonymous]

Wait - are you saying that you cannot be a breadwinner b/c you are a teacher?! I know that teachers don't do it for the money, but to write off a perfectly decent profession completely baffles me. Teachers live among us and raise children, however unbelievable that may sound to you. How is it better for both of you to be unemployed than for you to return to teaching?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to think clearly about your role here. YOU clearly have known for a long time that your DH is not a stable breadwinner; yet you CHOSE to stay home and to have not one, but TWO children with him in close succession. You absolutely bear responsibility here, if not blame.

What would be best for your kids is for you to find a job, and for your DH to get treatment for his ADHD and drinking. You say you love him, so unless the day-to-day environment is chaotic or violent, it would be better for the kids if you stay together. Better financially too, even if he's going to be jobless for awhile.

Basically you need to get your head out of the sand and accept that YOU have the key role in maintaining financial stability in your family.

This.

Also, get your parents out of your marriage. They should not support you getting divorced.

[Anonymous]

How is uprooting your children and turning your back on your DH going to help this situation?

Your DH is an addict. He needs to get into treatment immediately. Make some calls. Try to see what you can do to get him the help he needs. Talk to him - come up with a plan.

No, your children don't need to come first in this scenario unless they're in harm's way. If they're fine then carry on and focus on helping your DH. He is the urgent need right now.

You will need support through this. Alanon and/or therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

OP I just think you're being super immature. Unless you're just looking for a reason to leave your husband, it doesn't sound like you want to take any financial responsibility for the family at all. PLENTY of families with two kids have two working parents, including a teacher. If your parents are willing to help out financially, why not help out in a way that lets you keep the family together? You're basically proposing to take your DH's kids away because he lost his job. Do you think that's going to fly in a divorce court? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

[Anonymous]

So you don’t work at all right now and complain that your husband is out of work from his recent job? Odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is uprooting your children and turning your back on your DH going to help this situation?

Your DH is an addict. He needs to get into treatment immediately. Make some calls. Try to see what you can do to get him the help he needs. Talk to him - come up with a plan.

No, your children don't need to come first in this scenario unless they're in harm's way. If they're fine then carry on and focus on helping your DH. He is the urgent need right now.

You will need support through this. Alanon and/or therapy. Good luck.

I'm guessing she's used to mommy and daddy fixing her problems and enabling this behavior rather than OP trying to fix it herself here on the east coast (with or without her parents' help).

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am not looking to divorce. I am looking at a temporary separation that would benefit everyone. I would never ever move with the children without my DH agreeing to it. He could come too if he wanted. We are in a financial mess.

Am I responsible for our mess? Yes I take responsibility for my role in it. However, what is done is done. It’s time for me to figure out a situation that benefits everyone, including my DH. We don’t want a divorce- but we need some time and space to figure out our lives.

This is a very sad time for us. I want the best for my DH too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him more. And I know how much our children mean to him.

We are making decisions with grace and compassion for each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your parents are petitioning for you and the kids to move cross country to them, you should be alert. The way you’ve explained it, it sounds as if they are willing to help you and your grandchildren, but not necessarily your family. I would be worried that if they are using terms like “temporary separation” their actual goal is to get you to CA and then turn the heat on for you to leave your DH. Unless you both plan to relocate to California permanently, how is your DH supposed to find a job without staying on the East Coast? Given his track record, I doubt a lot of places would be willing to fly him in -he needs to be in the place he wants the job networking. Whatever you decide, you need to go in eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not looking to divorce. I am looking at a temporary separation that would benefit everyone. I would never ever move with the children without my DH agreeing to it. He could come too if he wanted. We are in a financial mess.

Am I responsible for our mess? Yes I take responsibility for my role in it. However, what is done is done. It’s time for me to figure out a situation that benefits everyone, including my DH. We don’t want a divorce- but we need some time and space to figure out our lives.

This is a very sad time for us. I want the best for my DH too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him more. And I know how much our children mean to him.

We are making decisions with grace and compassion for each other.

If there is noting tying you to the East Coast, perhaps you should all move - or you go immediately with the kids and he follows.

I'm the PP who had a father out of a job when I was a child - it was situational/not his fault, but at one point he fell into a funk and was not employed and not looking. That was stressful.

And guess what - my mom was a teacher. Admittedly, we lived in an area with a relatively low cost of living and my parents were financially conservative and saved - no car payments, etc. Not very realistic in the 21st century on the East Coast and they also didn't have a 26 weeker to look after, but they had saved and it kept us more than afloat.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like you want a divorce, so I'd try to avoid one. Make this about what you're going to do for the family now while he figures out a path forward.

I'd make your stay with your parents as short as possible. It sounds like they may be a little too involved.