Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has some issues. One of which is chronic job loss, followed by long periods of unemployment. He recently was terminated from another job after 1 year. This is the fifth job he has lost. We have a 14 month old and an almost 3 year old. I am not working. But I am tired of the constant instability. I believe the problem is him and not the jobs. I believe he has ADHD. He also is a pretty heavy drinker. I love my husband, and my children absolutely adore him, but this is not a good environment for me anymore. My DH brings me down and I can’t take the fall with him anymore. My children deserve a happy stable household.

My parents want me to separate from him and live with them (temporary). They can provide financial support for me while I try to build a career for myself.
This idea, while not ideal for myself would probably be in my best interest.

Has anybody been in my shoes before? What did you do? What advice do you have for me?

I suspect he is an alcoholic. I suggest attending Al-Anon meetings for friends and families of people with drinking problems. That is a place where you can get support while you are deciding what to do. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a job. Preferably one with decent benefits/family coverage.

What do you and the kids do for insurance when he's out of a job? COBRA?

It’s open season for health insurance for at least the next 1.5 weeks on the ACA health exchanges (until dec 15 - longer in some states)

Find out about this ASAP. Losing a job is also it’s own reason to enroll regardless of open season. with your husband having lost his job you may qualify for Medicaid ir premiums that are supported. Donmt miss the deadlines on this! It’s likely to be cheaper than COBRA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

DP: and neither do you. But somehow in your mind the suggestion that she to back to work is completely out of limits but the suggestion that she kidnap the kids because her husband lost his job is A-OK. This terrible people lens fits both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

I imagine that OP doesn't want her disorganized husband who drinks too much caring for two small children. I certainly wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

You don't know any details either. while it may be true that this guy can't care for his children, let's not assume holding a job relates to being able to care for kids. Plenty of women decide to give up tough office work, but we don't doubt their abilities to care for kids. By the way, when my DH lost his job (and it was rough going at the job), he put all his energy into the kids, our house, returning himself to stability, etc.

I'm not shaming OP, nor did I ask her why she chose to have kids. I'm saying she needs to start considering different and creative options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not looking to divorce. I am looking at a temporary separation that would benefit everyone. I would never ever move with the children without my DH agreeing to it. He could come too if he wanted. We are in a financial mess.

Am I responsible for our mess? Yes I take responsibility for my role in it. However, what is done is done. It’s time for me to figure out a situation that benefits everyone, including my DH. We don’t want a divorce- but we need some time and space to figure out our lives.

This is a very sad time for us. I want the best for my DH too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him more. And I know how much our children mean to him.

We are making decisions with grace and compassion for each other.

Really? Because it sounds like you're freaking out and making compulsive, punitive decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am not looking to divorce. I am looking at a temporary separation that would benefit everyone. I would never ever move with the children without my DH agreeing to it. He could come too if he wanted. We are in a financial mess.

Am I responsible for our mess? Yes I take responsibility for my role in it. However, what is done is done. It’s time for me to figure out a situation that benefits everyone, including my DH. We don’t want a divorce- but we need some time and space to figure out our lives.

This is a very sad time for us. I want the best for my DH too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him more. And I know how much our children mean to him.

We are making decisions with grace and compassion for each other.

Really? Because it sounds like you're freaking out and making compulsive, punitive decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

If you can support the three of you in California on a teacher's salary with paid childcare, why can't you do it here with free childcare? I mean, if your husband is a disaster and your marriage has ended, then leave. But the idea that your dad couldn't send you the money he'd pay for childcare in CA while you stay here and get a job seems ... convenient.

No, her parents seem realistic.

She would have support in her parents house. At a minimum she doesnt have to pay for rent and daycare. But I’m betting her parents will also be providing many intangibles like babysitting on the weekends, paying for utilities, etc. If she stays here, she has to cover the mortgage and all living expenses in addition to picking up the slack for her husband. All with very little (or no) support.

Those are some long odds. Her dad giving her financial support in those circumstances would just delay the inevitable. I wouldn’t do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a lot on your plate. 2 young kids e and under, one a preemie born at 26 weeks, and a husband who has lost 5 jobs in (?) years with an addiction problem. Plus you have financial stress due to medical bills. I completely agree that you need to build up your career and assume that you will be supporting your kids and that you cannot, at this point in time, count on your husband's employment. Chronic job loss is hugely difficult--everything from bill paying to insurance is affected.

About your plan to move: I think that if your DH agrees, this makes sense. You will have financial relief and helo with the kids. But what are you going to do about your marriage? Will he agree to the physical separation? Will he move to the west coast? What are his options? Does he recognize the need for treatment for ADHD/Alcoholism?

Can you swing remaining here for 6 months while giving him an opportunity to get into treatment? One issue I see is that for him to legitimately get the treatment he needs, he may not be able to watch the kids full time or may not be in good shape to be the primary caregiver. What are your thoughts on this--can he be trusted?

I know a lot of people will tell you its your job to help your spouse, but at the end of the day, I think you need to take care of yourself and the kids. The best scenario would be that you move, and he gets treatment and moves out there and you rebuild your marriage and he stays employed.

[Anonymous]

Why would you move without him? He has no job tying him here. You sound incredibly selfish and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a job. Preferably one with decent benefits/family coverage.

What do you and the kids do for insurance when he's out of a job? COBRA?

It’s open season for health insurance for at least the next 1.5 weeks on the ACA health exchanges (until dec 15 - longer in some states)

Find out about this ASAP. Losing a job is also it’s own reason to enroll regardless of open season. with your husband having lost his job you may qualify for Medicaid ir premiums that are supported. Donmt miss the deadlines on this! It’s likely to be cheaper than COBRA

I think if there has been a major life change (as defined by ACA this would include job loss, I believe you are not required to enroll in COBRA) timelines are based on when the life event happened.