Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

OP ask your parents to come out here for maybe 5 days and you and DH - without your parents input - focus on what to do going forward. The gift of time your parents could give now would be huge. Use the time as if a job and together layout the scenarios of next steps. If you can see a way to stay here: do it. If your DH sees that taking a break and having a trial separation with eye towards better marriage- then that could be valuable. But also have the talk as to whether the marriage can work and if instead you two need to focus on next steps towards healthy and stable for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

Well she needs a other job. I doubt being a single mom would be easier than her current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

Well she needs a other job. I doubt being a single mom would be easier than her current situation.

This. Her current job isn't going to work if she leaves her husband. I say this as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Your parents may have never liked your spouse OP. They may not be working in your best interest even though they think they are. Try counseling before divorcing. Try to help him find a job. I think it would be really hard to be a sole provider. Maybe cut some slack and not be so "judgey".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

But it doesn't make sense to uproot your children to the west coast, find a job and then what? come back after 6 months? a year?

If you're going to your parents' state, you need to be prepared to stay there.

If your DH says don't go....then what is Plan B??? because he's going to say it. He's going to use your children as the guilt factor to keep you local - for a myriad of reasons that aren't necessarily nefarious.

She's not planning to come back. She's planning to ask her DH to join them there and stay there. I think she feels isolated and vulnerable as a SAHM with a husband who keeps leaving jobs, and wants to go "home."

You're in a difficult phase of life, OP, but you are 35, not 25, and I ask you to think seriously about what you think this will look like 5 years from now. Are you back on your feet? Do your kids know their dad at all? Because I think you're leaving with a fantasy that your old life will sort of disappear, and a new one is to be found on the West Coast. In reality, you are going to be a middle-aged single mom who lives with her parents and is marginally employed because your teaching credentials haven't transferred, or your kid needs you at home, or your ex-DH keeps calling, or whatever road block stops you from really taking control of a life you should have taken control of 3 job-losses ago.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve been in your shoes - the job loss, the undiagnosed ADHD, the drinking. Except I work, so I was the breadwinner and was paying for childcare because exDH couldn’t be trusted. There is not much you can do to save this marriage. Honestly, I wasted years of my life and huge amounts of money waiting for therapy to fix things (couples therapy for us, individual for him), waiting for him to get it together. I do think you need to take control of your life and do what’s best for you and the kids. You can give him support to try to help himself if he’s willing, but you need to spend most of your time and energy on you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

Well she needs a other job. I doubt being a single mom would be easier than her current situation.

This. Her current job isn't going to work if she leaves her husband. I say this as a SAHM.

Yes. Either way, with the husband or without, she will need to find a paying gig. The kids need some stability and clearly her spouse is either unable or unwilling to provide it. It benefits no-one for the whole family to starve in the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

+1 First PP is an idiot. Taking care of little kids is a job. If OP had to pay someone to watch her kids 24/7 it would be a lot more than the teacher's salary she could earn. If I were OP, I'd move to my parents too to get my life together and build my finances up with a family support system. The difficult DH can follow if/when he is able. Nothing keeping them on this coast if no one is employed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

+1 First PP is an idiot. Taking care of little kids is a job. If OP had to pay someone to watch her kids 24/7 it would be a lot more than the teacher's salary she could earn. If I were OP, I'd move to my parents too to get my life together and build my finances up with a family support system. The difficult DH can follow if/when he is able. Nothing keeping them on this coast if no one is employed here.

Her DH can watch the kids while she works. It’s a marriage which is two people working together and it’s not the 50’s anymore where gender roles are set in stone so...
Also - the kids should be school age soon shouldn’t they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

If one child is truly medically fragile that child should be getting Medicaid benefits which would (I think) include some in home medical assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the amount of people calling OP lazy and saying she should ne breadwinner are high. No way would I let a heavy drinker be main caretaker for two young children. Dumbasses.

If she divorces he’s going to be the primary caretaker of the kids every Thursday night - Sunday, which is probably worse than 9-5 during the week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

If one child is truly medically fragile that child should be getting Medicaid benefits which would (I think) include some in home medical assistance.

OP don’t be afraid to use government benefits, that’s what they are for

https://www.kff.org/medicaid/issue-brief/medicaids-role-for-children-with-special-health-care-needs-a-look-at-eligibility-services-and-spending/

[Anonymous]

This is OP-

My DH and I have talked extensively and had a day of reflecting. While at first he was receptive to me leaving with the kids, he changed his mind and so I will remain here and try to stabilize my life by getting employed ASAP.

Tonight I was on Indeed looking at opportunities, and I’m polishing the resume. I am a reading resource teacher and hope I can land something soon.

We will look into a daycare center for the children, and I feel good about this. I am actually relieved to get out of the house.

My DH still needs to address his drinking though, and the underlying reason he loses jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP-

My DH and I have talked extensively and had a day of reflecting. While at first he was receptive to me leaving with the kids, he changed his mind and so I will remain here and try to stabilize my life by getting employed ASAP.

Tonight I was on Indeed looking at opportunities, and I’m polishing the resume. I am a reading resource teacher and hope I can land something soon.

We will look into a daycare center for the children, and I feel good about this. I am actually relieved to get out of the house.

My DH still needs to address his drinking though, and the underlying reason he loses jobs.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP-

My DH and I have talked extensively and had a day of reflecting. While at first he was receptive to me leaving with the kids, he changed his mind and so I will remain here and try to stabilize my life by getting employed ASAP.

Tonight I was on Indeed looking at opportunities, and I’m polishing the resume. I am a reading resource teacher and hope I can land something soon.

We will look into a daycare center for the children, and I feel good about this. I am actually relieved to get out of the house.

My DH still needs to address his drinking though, and the underlying reason he loses jobs.

Best of luck to you OP.