Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the best/safest situation for all legally, physically, and emotionally would be for your kids to enroll in a daycare around here and for you to look for a job with benefits. if your parents could help with daycare around HERE, that would be ideal.

+1. Dad can get his sh!t together, go to meetings, apply for jobs, and be the point person for all other kid stuff.

And they need to talk about bankruptcy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if I were you OP, I would decide to move on with my life. Go to your parents, with the kids. Get a job. Plenty of teachers support their families, and it fits in nicely with school age children. Tell your DH he can join you when he has his sh*t together and he's stopped drinking.

Your life with your kids will be the meat. If your DH can move his life along, he can be the gravy.


But you need to come to terms with the idea that you can only count on yourself. Losing 5 jobs is screwed up. Your DH is a drunk.

+1. Sounds like someone with a drinking problem. No one gets fired five times in a row without major issues. Leave, OP, and build your life without the addict.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

He may not be suited for the jobs he is applying for. Can he train on new skills. His insecurities maybe driving him to drink. Maybe a good option for you to start working, if you’re parents can support

[Anonymous]

Dear Op, Sounds like you and your husband have lots of stressors in your life, including financial with medical debt and now another job loss. It really is a full time job for him to look for a job. He can’t do that if he is taking care of kids this young. Please remember your parents are only seeing this from how can we help our child / grandchildren and may be very skewed from what is truly going on. You need to work with your husband in a safe setting - such as counseling - to address the issues of alcohol use, potential ADHD, and financial stress and it’s effect on your mattiage. Clinical Psycologist positions are very competitive - so finding one in training with interest in family dynamics/ couple counseling may be a good idea. Slow down. Outline a plan with your husband on getting a real diagnosis, if there is one, and make each decision thoughtfully. If he is not an alcoholic he should be willing to stop drinking. Find the CAGE questionnaire online to help to if he fits the profile of an alcoholic. Discuss with your parents what help they are willing to provide if you want to see if you and your husband can pull through this. Anticipate that it takes at least a year to see if you can begin to resolve many these problems. See what absolutes you must have from your husband - and he from you to pursue this approach. Best of luck to you..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

This. OMG this. If the drinking is a proble then that needs to be addressed but it is pretty crazy to criticize him for not holding a job when you aren’t even trying to work.

She's watching 2 kids under the age of 5. That IS work. Those kids aren't watching themselves. God how I hate how destructive people can be to mothers.

+1 Two kids under the age of 3 actually. Definitely plenty to do at home.

Maybe they need to switch roles - OP works and her husband takes care of the children. Listen, I'm a mom and the breadwinner. My job is to make sure my children are cared for both physically and financially. Stop letting mothers and father off with partial responsibilities.

If he can't hold a job, he may not be able to take care of 2 little kids, particularly one which the OP says is medically fragile. You don't know the details. The OP suggested her option was to go live with her parents and stabilize her situation. Seems like a good one to me. The people shaming OP and asking her why she chose to have kids are terrible people.

DP: and neither do you. But somehow in your mind the suggestion that she to back to work is completely out of limits but the suggestion that she kidnap the kids because her husband lost his job is A-OK. This terrible people lens fits both ways.

Who is talking about kidnapping kids? You have reading comprehension problems. She wants to go to live with her parents and find a job and stabilize her life. Her husband is fine with that. But some people who don’t read carefully want to shame her for what appears to be a well thought out plan.

No, you have legal comprehension problems. On parent taking the kids to the other coast without the other parent's consent is parental kidnapping. She never said her husband is fine with that. She just said she's trying to have "grace," whatever that means in this situation.

[Anonymous]

LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL so wait, OP doesn't have a job and wants to leave her H ... for not having a job...?

Too funny. Also, I guess that for "richer or poorer" line in the marriage vows don't apply

She has a job taking care of two kids 3 and under. The younger one born at 26 wks. I am sure your job is much easier.

Her husband is jobless again for the 5th time. He drinks too much and probably has ADHD - he counts as 3 additional babies to take care of.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

So why can't your parents pay for daycare for your children and you get a stable job with benefits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

You haven’t answered some basic questions - did you discuss this move to the west coast with your husband and what did he say? Can he take care of the kids during the day while you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

No one said it isn't a job. We just said that since your OP proposes that you will be rejoining the workforce as a precursor to ending your marriage, there's no reason you can't rejoin the workforce in order to help save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

You get a job with benefits and your kids go to daycare around HERE. They need that type of structure, safety, etc.

While your kids are in daycare, you and DH BOTH commit fully to working and self-improvement. That means if Dh doesn't have a job when the kids start daycare, he needs to commit to using the day to seek treatment, applying seriously for jobs, and more. You both commit to financial and marital counseling if possible.

If your parents care and have money, the best ways they can help if with the kids' daycare and your financial and marital counseling bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-

Thank you for those who recognize that taking care of two children under 3 is a job.

Also, my last baby was born at 26 weeks, was less than 2 pounds, stayed in the NICU for about 4 months and came home with medical issues.

What was I supposed to do?

My DH needs help. It’s more than losing a job. It’s an underlying pattern of job loss, drinking, impulsive behavior. He has a good heart, and is thoughtful but I can’t live like this and he actually can’t either.

I guess I see a temporary separation as a way to have familial support, and have some space to figure out what is in everyone’s best interest.

I am 35 years old and not ashamed to say I need my parents at this time of need. My parents are both 60. My father still works. They have more resources than me and they are concerned about their grandchildren. They do not want to take away the grandchildren from their dad. In fact my dad wants my DH to join me eventually.

Also, if my DH said he would miss his kids too much and not want me to go... then I wouldn’t.

But it doesn't make sense to uproot your children to the west coast, find a job and then what? come back after 6 months? a year?

If you're going to your parents' state, you need to be prepared to stay there.

If your DH says don't go....then what is Plan B??? because he's going to say it. He's going to use your children as the guilt factor to keep you local - for a myriad of reasons that aren't necessarily nefarious.

[Anonymous]

OP, you also need to get a job with good benefits in order to avoid MORE medical debt if something should happen.