Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

"For richer or for poorer," she said, while thinking to herself, "fvck that poverty shit."

[Anonymous]

What is the typical reason given when he loses these jobs?

And this is his fifth job loss in how long?

[Anonymous]

Why does he keep losing jobs? Did I miss that?

[Anonymous]

Can he stay home with the kids and you go back to work?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to think clearly about your role here. YOU clearly have known for a long time that your DH is not a stable breadwinner; yet you CHOSE to stay home and to have not one, but TWO children with him in close succession. You absolutely bear responsibility here, if not blame.

What would be best for your kids is for you to find a job, and for your DH to get treatment for his ADHD and drinking. You say you love him, so unless the day-to-day environment is chaotic or violent, it would be better for the kids if you stay together. Better financially too, even if he's going to be jobless for awhile.

Basically you need to get your head out of the sand and accept that YOU have the key role in maintaining financial stability in your family.

[Anonymous]

You're lucky to have parents like yours and you should take them up on the offer. Your DH may need to be "shocked" into dealing with his failures.

[Anonymous]

Obviously he would need to get the drinking under control, but if he’s great with the kids and you love him, why don’t you take over the primary breadwinner position and let him take over the primary childcare role? You are planning to set up a career for yourself if you leave anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"For richer or for poorer," she said, while thinking to herself, "fvck that poverty shit."

Walk a mile.

[Anonymous]

Not sure whether this is divorce material - only you can decide that, but at the very least it's time for you to get a job.

Are your parents local?

My own father was hit hard by the recession in the '80's (yes, the '80's) and went through a long period of unemployment/underemployment. It was hard on the marriage, but my mom had worked full time since I was in first grade, so we had stability.

To be frank, it's one reason I've never been comfortable being SAH on a long-term basis.

[Anonymous]

Unless he is 100% willing to get a diagnosis and meds for his ADHD, and work on being alcohol-free, yes, you need to separate from him now. And perhaps this is what he'll need to become clean, who knows? That would be great for the kids, whether or not you get back together.

My husband denies he has ADHD despite a formal diagnosis, and has lost many jobs because he refuses to take his meds. I find that incomprehensible, since our son has severe ADHD and we observe that when he takes his meds it's a night and day difference in his executive function and academic success.
However, my husband has such a high IQ, that he managed to bumble through. I have no work permit in this country, no family support, and therefore I have decided not to divorce. It's a pity his ADHD was not visible when we dated, because I would never have married him.

Good luck, OP. You will survive this!

[Anonymous]

Why not just separate? Might be the jolt he needs to take his role seriously. Move yourself and the kids to your parents.

[Anonymous]

My husband doesn't drink but has had the same job issues. Learned about ADHD after the fact but this is what he has. Your instincts are right but the drinking needs to get under control while working to get help for the ADHD. If you can get back to work, I would do that first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

If his ADHD is so bad that he keeps losing jobs he’s going to be a disaster with the kids. She’s going to work all day and do all the kid stuff while he does next to nothing.

Terrible idea.

Better to divorce while you’re both unemployed and you can build up your career with support from your family. It’s going to be super stressful if you try to build a career while caring for 2 children and having to also deal with a DH who acts like a third child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to do what’s best for you and the kids long term. Out of curiosity, have you talked to your husband point blank about this problem, what he’s doing to fix it, getting therapy to treat whatever the issue is etc? Does he realize this is going to cost him his family? If you decide to divorce, realize you could end up paying alimony if you make more money so I’d divorce sooner than later to avoid that if you think that’s the direction you’re heading in. Also with his history of instability, why did you have not one but two kids with him?? Any why haven’t you been working and building a career all along, knowing his inability to keep a job? Seems like you bear some of the blame for the situation.

I despise responses like this. Asking why about things that cannot be changed...like children. OP needs advice for the future.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough situation.

If I was a young father, who lost my job multiple times in relatively short succession, and then had my wife leave me, along with my kids, I would most likely kill myself.

Just being honest.

Obviously, not everyone is me. I'm not sure what his issue is, but I'd try to frame this as less of a "I'm dumping you because you are a failure" and more of a "I'm going to be staying with the kids at my parents while you take a little time to go through rehab and get help."