Please help- my DH lost his job again and I’m thinking of leaving him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave before you get a job. You don't want to end up paying alimony if he never does do anything to stabilize his career.

This. Also since your parents are helping you, get full custody. Get a divorce lawyer who can help you. This will be money well spent/

This is the thing you need to do first. Ask uour parents to give youo ey for a conault with an attorney. $1000 for 1-2 visits with the attorney to tell you your child custody and support options and how to position yourself to best accomplish that. It may be to your benefit to stay with your husband for a period of time to document his behavior (drinking) for custody purposes.

Not sure what your career/work options are, but another way your parents can help is by paying for classes for certifications that would help with work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial instability can certainly wreck a marriage, but I'm not sure the person who doesn't work at all has the right to look down on the person who keeps getting jobs but then losing them. Why not get a career now, and let him stay home with the kids? If you love him and the kids love him and you're going to end up getting a job anyway, why blow up the marriage as well?

If his ADHD is so bad that he keeps losing jobs he’s going to be a disaster with the kids. She’s going to work all day and do all the kid stuff while he does next to nothing.

Terrible idea.

Better to divorce while you’re both unemployed and you can build up your career with support from your family. It’s going to be super stressful if you try to build a career while caring for 2 children and having to also deal with a DH who acts like a third child.

This is assuming facts not in evidence. His ADHD is now apparently terminal and prevents him from contributing to the household at all, but he held his last job for a year and she stresses that she loves him and the problem is financial instability? Not really likely. If he was useless as a partner and parent it probably would have been mentioned in the OP.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd draw a pretty hard and firm line that he needs diagnosed and treated for ADHD (and possibly the drinking) for you to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously he would need to get the drinking under control, but if he’s great with the kids and you love him, why don’t you take over the primary breadwinner position and let him take over the primary childcare role? You are planning to set up a career for yourself if you leave anyway.

Do not do this! He will not take care of the kids and you will be doing everything while working full time. The same reasons he keeps getting fired are going to infuriate you about how he deals with kids. He’s going to miss deadlines for signing up for preschool and kindergarten. He’ll forget doctors appointments. The house will be a mess, the kids will be poorly cared for. You’re going to hate your life.

This just postponed the divorce by a year or two.

[Anonymous]

For better or for worse. Get him help.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever had a job????

[Anonymous]

OP, no one is going to want you after your sour divorce with two kids so you might as well stay put.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, no one is going to want you after your sour divorce with two kids so you might as well stay put.

Thank you- I’m not concerned about getting remarried or even dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously he would need to get the drinking under control, but if he’s great with the kids and you love him, why don’t you take over the primary breadwinner position and let him take over the primary childcare role? You are planning to set up a career for yourself if you leave anyway.

Do not do this! He will not take care of the kids and you will be doing everything while working full time. The same reasons he keeps getting fired are going to infuriate you about how he deals with kids. He’s going to miss deadlines for signing up for preschool and kindergarten. He’ll forget doctors appointments. The house will be a mess, the kids will be poorly cared for. You’re going to hate your life.

This just postponed the divorce by a year or two.

Exactly.

Is there any way your parents could provide childcare while you go back to work or school? Because if that's not feasible, you should get out now. A person who is a heavy drinker despite young kids AND who loses jobs (likely related to the drinking) has no business being the primary parent and anyone who is suggesting that is irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

You need a job. Preferably one with decent benefits/family coverage.

What do you and the kids do for insurance when he's out of a job? COBRA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

Sending you strength, OP. Please insist that he get a diagnosis and treatment for the ADHD. Why? Because patients with untreated ADHD self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. It's likely that his drinking problem will be easier for him to tackle once he feels more secure in his executive functioning.

I don't see this as a permanent loss, OP. If only he agrees to meds and they don't trigger negative side-effects, you might yet reunite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

Are you suggesting taking the kids and moving to the west coast and leaving your DH on the east coast? If so, that is a terrible idea and will have serious ramifications on your children, you and your DH. If tha'ts not what you're saying, I'm sorry for misinterpreting.

As for current situation, why can't your folks help you NOW?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

You will also need to address your first statement. The belief that you cannot provide for yourself, or your children is a major problem. You need to find a way to provide for your kids WITHOUT relying on anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. First, thank you for some very caring and thoughtful responses. I have been crying all morning and I am trying to remain strong and positive for my children.

My DH would be devastated if I left him. However, I think he would agree to a temporary separation for the children’s benefit.

We conceived our children during times where he was flourishing with his job.

I can’t be the breadwinner as I am a teacher and that’s not gonna cut it. Our last child was born at 26 weeks and had a host of problems and I just needed to be home with her. She is thriving now and that’s one positive!! The medical debt we incurred as a result of a long NICU stay is also putting a lot of stress on us.

My parents lives on the west coast and I live on the East Coast. It’s a long move, but probably in the children’s best interest. My father said he would pay childcare so I can get my act together and save money living rent free.

My DH needs help. I’m so sad about all of this. But the children’s well being has to come first. They can not see me cry anymore.

I just want happiness. I guess we all do.

For what it's worth, you seem like a nice person, OP. A separation to get you and the kids some stability while your husband focuses on getting his mental health together sounds like a reasonable idea. I would advise against divorce unless he just flatly refuses to work on himself or is completely incapable of making progress, or until the kids are older.