SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

I think the big take away, OP is that you really need to make some big changes. You are, quite literally, the problem here.

But that's good news!!! Because it is an easy fix to fix yourself (and do-able--you can't change other people, honey). Start job hunting and researching daycare options. And for the love of God do not have any more children. You are not a good at juggling. Don't throw another ball into the mix.

[Anonymous]

If I were your husband, I'd be thinking that my wife isn't contributing anything, bitches and nags to me despite my insane work schedule and decent amount of contributions around the house, and on top of that, we don't even spend time together or enjoy each other - so what's the point of this marriage.

Exactly. If your marriage is hanging on by this thread, you need to do some serious work to fix it, OP.

[Anonymous]

PP. Also, my guy friends who work 60 hour weeks getting up at 5:30am every day get especially annoyed by their wives who complain about how exhausted they are and how they never have time to get anything done when said wives sleep in until 8am every day. You could see why that would be annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is my read. If I stayed at home, you can bet your last dollar I'd be running all the errands I could during the week, except maybe grocery shopping. A two-hour nap is plenty of time to do one cleaning chore a day and have some downtime. I work full-time and have to do all the same household chores and errands as the OP. If taking your kid to a gym class exhausts you so much that you can't get anything accomplished during a two-hour nap, then this may not be the lifestyle for you. Or hire help--get a housecleaner. Be more flexible in a babysitter's hours--you don't need to be anywhere at a specific time, you just need someone to cover a few hours a few times a week so you can get stuff done.

No. No, you really don't. Is your child at home with you all day, playing around the house and making a giant mess? Are you cooking lunch and snacks and eating off of your dishes for all meals during the day? It's not the same if you are out of the house working FT. Your kid is either in a daycare/school situation somewhere else (hence making messes and dirtying dishes and bathrooms elsewhere) or at home with a nanny whose job it is to clean up after the child and take care of those messes. So, no, you are NOT doing the same errands and chores that a SAHP is. Sorry, you just aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why some PPs are saying OP should run errands during the day. She runs errands after the kid is asleep so her DH is getting some alone time while she's out. He said he wants more alone time, not less.

Because if she ran her errands during the day, she would have some free time in the evenings and on the weekends. Letting my husband relax and do his own thing in the evenings does not mean I have to be out of the house. I can read a book while he surfs the net. Or, we can both hang out together, watching a movie or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is my read. If I stayed at home, you can bet your last dollar I'd be running all the errands I could during the week, except maybe grocery shopping. A two-hour nap is plenty of time to do one cleaning chore a day and have some downtime. I work full-time and have to do all the same household chores and errands as the OP. If taking your kid to a gym class exhausts you so much that you can't get anything accomplished during a two-hour nap, then this may not be the lifestyle for you. Or hire help--get a housecleaner. Be more flexible in a babysitter's hours--you don't need to be anywhere at a specific time, you just need someone to cover a few hours a few times a week so you can get stuff done.

No. No, you really don't. Is your child at home with you all day, playing around the house and making a giant mess? Are you cooking lunch and snacks and eating off of your dishes for all meals during the day? It's not the same if you are out of the house working FT. Your kid is either in a daycare/school situation somewhere else (hence making messes and dirtying dishes and bathrooms elsewhere) or at home with a nanny whose job it is to clean up after the child and take care of those messes. So, no, you are NOT doing the same errands and chores that a SAHP is. Sorry, you just aren't.

Well, I do all that stuff on the weekend. On the same days that I have to do laundry, clean the house, run errands, etc. She has two hours a day during which she could do at least some of these things (not to mention that it is totally possible to do laundry, pick up toys, etc. with an awake toddler), but she claims that she can't. I repeat: if taking your kid to a gym class exhausts you such that you are unable to accomplish anything for the rest of the day, you are probably not cut out to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

OP here. Why do you think our family dynamic is odd? I don't get that. The issue is that with husband working 2 weekends per month (traveling for work), we only have 2 weekends for "family time." In the warmer months there are more things we enjoy doing together--parks, festivals, fairs, day trips, etc. but in the winter months I really can't think of anything that we could do that would be "family time." My husband likes to have father-son time alone with our son since he barely sees him during the week, so they go to different activities together on the weekends in the morning. I don't really see what the point is of me tagging along to these since I do them all week long, you know--playgroup, gym class, etc. We don't have any local family to visit, which could be a good family time activity. We used to take our son out to restaurants until the last few months, when that became a lot more difficult and unpleasant, so we don't go out to restaurants as a family anymore. So I guess I don't really have any ideas on what could be family time with a toddler in the winter months. Toddler is 14 months.

Seriously OP?!? Read books as a family. Play. Talk. Sing songs. Go for a walk (just bundle up it isn't that cold). Play music. I think you need to think long and hard about what constitutes a family.

Our family time often consists of: going to the playground. Going for walks. Doing puzzles. Reading books. Putting on music and dancing. Heck, sometimes we all watch Sesame Street together. It does not require an organized activity out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

I don't see a lot of SAHP hate. I just think that people are pointing out that OP seems totally overwhelmed by taking care of her kid. You do not have to play with your kid every hour that they are awake. Most moms I know figure out how to get at least a few tasks done during the day with their child, or run at least some of their errands, but this is apparently beyond the OP. I get that SAH is work, but it might just be that it's work that OP is not well-suited for. She gets an hour or two of free time every night and weekend evenings--that's as much as most adults get. I don't understand why she feels like she should get more, when she's unwilling or unable to get anything done during the day that would free up her evenings and weekends.

And you know what I use my work breaks for? Taking care of family stuff--making appointments, running errands, buying things we need online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, I just don't understand how the OP is the problem. I don't even get the sense that she's complaining! Her DH wants more time to himself, and he's right to want that, but she can want that, too. It's not like watching a child all day is giving her "time to herself."

I'm a SAHP but also used to work PT. It was tough, and I feel for WOHPs. But this attitude of hating on SAHPs is unfair. I remember being stressed a lot when I was at work, but I also could take a 5-minute break. I could go to the bathroom without someone screaming into the bathroom for me to come help with something. I could go get a cup of coffee without worrying that something terrible was going to happen at my workstation while I got up to go get it. I could chat with other adults for a moment in between working on projects. It was stressful, but there were built-in break times -- things we need to recharge.

When you SAH, you don't ever have those break times. No matter how well-behaved your kids are, they simple want as much as you can give all the time. Maybe they nap -- or maybe they don't -- and then perhaps you have a short break. Well, I wouldn't ask you to use your 15-minute coffee break to scrub the bathroom at work or vacuum around your desk, and it's not fair to assume a SAHP has the energy to run off and do these things the minute she/he finally gets a break.

Also, doing errands is important, but maybe the OP really wants to spend time with her kid -- doing things that are helping him/her develop and grow, not just running around town going to the post office and grocery store. I personally think these things are valuable lessons, but I also understand the hesitation to do them all the time, particularly if I'd like for a moment to peacefully think about what I want to make for dinners this week instead of just frantically throw things in the cart before a meltdown occurs.

She's not actively complaining. But by trying to frame the issue that her husband isn't helping out at all and that she is so spent from her limited obligations to one toddler, thus suggesting she couldn't possibly give any more.... she's passive aggressively complaining. And you say that "she can want that too" -- but she has TONS of that! She gets to sleep in, have 2 hours of down time during nap time, hands the kid off to husband for a bit when he gets home from work, and then has 9:30-12:30 every night to herself. She also has 3pm onwards both weekend days. That's a ton of personal time. How can she want more???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I do all that stuff on the weekend. On the same days that I have to do laundry, clean the house, run errands, etc. She has two hours a day during which she could do at least some of these things (not to mention that it is totally possible to do laundry, pick up toys, etc. with an awake toddler), but she claims that she can't. I repeat: if taking your kid to a gym class exhausts you such that you are unable to accomplish anything for the rest of the day, you are probably not cut out to stay at home.

I'm sure you do, but it is sometimes different when you're doing it all day long every day. It gets pretty exhausting, for better or for worse. And it's nice to have a little time to yourself during naptime -- it's not like you just want to rush into the next thing. This is the same sort of "break" that perhaps you get during your commute (i.e. not a lot of a "break") or during your lunchhour -- when you are probably not in a hurry to clean and reorganize your desk everyday or go to the dry cleaners or whatever. Sometimes we just need a break -- it happens to everyone!

Personally, I think the most exhausting thing is that it's hard to ever FINISH anything. Yes, I can haul my kid down to the basement to do some laundry. I put the laundry into the washer and start it. While I've been doing that, my child has starting to take everything out of all the boxes/shelves around him. Now I have another mess to clean up. He helps me clean it up, but he's on to the next thing as soon as he can be. So we rush upstairs. We get involved in the next thing, and I forget that the laundry is done in the washer and needs to be moved over. If it's a weekend and my DH is around, I'll ask him to watch our kid for a minute so I can run down and move the laundry (it takes like 5 minutes). But if it's just me, it take about 20-30 minutes -- convince DS that we need to stop playing upstairs, pick him up and haul him all the way down the stairs, move the laundry over, pick up together whatever other mess he just made, pick him up and haul him upstairs. And once the laundry is done, then I have a huge bin to carry up two flights of stairs. I can't hold my toddler then, so I can't do it. I have to wait. Ugh. It's a serious pain in the butt.

The other thing I've experienced is that kids who aren't at home every day are a little more excited to be home on the weekends. They aren't playing with their own toys all day long, so they seem a little novel and exciting. My child is sort of BTDT with his toys, so keeping his attention is a little harder when I'm trying to do a little thing around the house.

[Anonymous]

No. No, you really don't. Is your child at home with you all day, playing around the house and making a giant mess? Are you cooking lunch and snacks and eating off of your dishes for all meals during the day? It's not the same if you are out of the house working FT. Your kid is either in a daycare/school situation somewhere else (hence making messes and dirtying dishes and bathrooms elsewhere) or at home with a nanny whose job it is to clean up after the child and take care of those messes. So, no, you are NOT doing the same errands and chores that a SAHP is. Sorry, you just aren't.

But here's the rub -- OP can't handle doing the absolute basics of being a SAHP without being utterly wiped. That's problematic. And I say this as a woman who was in the exact same position. I, quite frankly, sucked at being a SAHM. I admit it now (years later), but I just wasn't cut out for it. I could have written OP's post 5 years ago (and my husband is a saint like OP's for allowing me to muddle through a period when the house was a disaster, I was constantly frustrated, and he had to juggle more than his fair share).

I wish more people were honest about this. The thing that sucks about being a SAHP is that when it isn't a good fit, you are often stuck because of your own sense of duty (dammit I committed to this and I will see it through) or guilt or just plain difficulty of finding a job once you've been unemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No. No, you really don't. Is your child at home with you all day, playing around the house and making a giant mess? Are you cooking lunch and snacks and eating off of your dishes for all meals during the day? It's not the same if you are out of the house working FT. Your kid is either in a daycare/school situation somewhere else (hence making messes and dirtying dishes and bathrooms elsewhere) or at home with a nanny whose job it is to clean up after the child and take care of those messes. So, no, you are NOT doing the same errands and chores that a SAHP is. Sorry, you just aren't.

But here's the rub -- OP can't handle doing the absolute basics of being a SAHP without being utterly wiped. That's problematic. And I say this as a woman who was in the exact same position. I, quite frankly, sucked at being a SAHM. I admit it now (years later), but I just wasn't cut out for it. I could have written OP's post 5 years ago (and my husband is a saint like OP's for allowing me to muddle through a period when the house was a disaster, I was constantly frustrated, and he had to juggle more than his fair share).

I wish more people were honest about this. The thing that sucks about being a SAHP is that when it isn't a good fit, you are often stuck because of your own sense of duty (dammit I committed to this and I will see it through) or guilt or just plain difficulty of finding a job once you've been unemployed.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOHM with a SAHD partner and I cannot agree anymore than this -- if you aren't cut out for the job, quit.

I posted about my DH who has issues dealing with the day to day management aspects of being a SAHP. I make a good living, so my answer was to outsource things like cleaning and to take on meal prep on the weekends/crock pot. I do this on the pressure of being the sole income earner.

It has taken a toll on my marriage. I see my DH as a great father, and someone who definitely needs to find something else to do with his life because the choice to stay home was supposed to make everyone's life easier. While the kids and DH are definitely doing better, I am suffering. And I deal with that pressure on a daily basis. I do not have the kind of SAH spouse who is making things run while I'm gone. It's all waiting for me the second I walk in the door. Money fixed a lot of the stress I've been dealing with, but I actually see a point when things will come to a head. Until then, I am dealing. Like OP's husband, I imagine.

[Anonymous]

OP ought to be able to do a little more around the house, I assume she can at least do laundry/make meals/maintain a lower level of cleanliness during the week. But being so exhausted from a 45-minute toddler gym class that you can't do anything else the rest of the day?

DH gets to sleep in until THREE PM on Sat/Sun AND has two nights a week for some sporting event? That seems like quite a bit as far as I'm concerned. Not sure why he needs more alone time.

To be honest that is screaming "affair" to me, he gets way more "alone" time than I could dream of having.