SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, I think you both seem to expect way more alone time than is reasonably feasible with children.

And take your kid with you on errands. Good God, if I didn't have errands I don't know how I would pass the time during the day. That is why you are so tired, trying to think of something to entertain your kid during the long, dragging hours of nothingness at home. Fill that with errands and boom, then you can have freedom once your kid is in bed.

Laundry takes half an hour with a kid in tow? Eureka! You've managed to pass half an hour of your day and accomplish something to boot! Viva laundry!

OP here. Yes, it can be a challenge to fill all those long hours. I play with our son in the playroom for about 6 hours per day. Yes it is a lot.

6 hours is way, way too much. No wonder you're exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how people live like this. That's not a family. It's a man being used for a paycheck, a single parent, and a marriage that will collapse.

How do you propose we change things?

You say you asked your husband, and he said he wants more alone time during the week as well as on the weekends. He can't have more alone time without missing your son entirely from 6 to 7, or without staying up later than 9:30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm interested to know how much alone time other SAHMs and their spouses get per day and per week, as well as how much family time.

If I calculated ours it would be: me (5 hours per day but this includes daily chores because I do them all during my alone time); spouse (2-3 but he also does sports 2 evenings per week that is not included in this amount); family time (1 hour per day weekdays, weekends varies).

When I had a 14 month old, I got about one hour of alone time per weekday, and probably an hour each of the two weekend days. Yes, I worked full time, but you must realize you get a ton of alone time, right? So does your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how people live like this. That's not a family. It's a man being used for a paycheck, a single parent, and a marriage that will collapse.

How do you propose we change things?

You say you asked your husband, and he said he wants more alone time during the week as well as on the weekends. He can't have more alone time without missing your son entirely from 6 to 7, or without staying up later than 9:30.

Have you asked him this?

[Anonymous]

You both get insane amounts of alone time already. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm interested to know how much alone time other SAHMs and their spouses get per day and per week, as well as how much family time.

If I calculated ours it would be: me (5 hours per day but this includes daily chores because I do them all during my alone time); spouse (2-3 but he also does sports 2 evenings per week that is not included in this amount); family time (1 hour per day weekdays, weekends varies).

SAHM to 2 kids here. During the week, I get an hour of alone time in the morning before the kids wake up (I'm usually catching up on email or doing other chores/tasks, but it's relaxing because it's uninterrupted time with my coffee), three days a week I get two hours during the day while the kids are at preschool (again, doing chores/errands, but still relaxing), and then I get about two hours after bedtimes when I make a point of not doing chores but instead read, watch tv, or do hobbies. One evening a week I get a sitter and DH and I do a date night, so I get a couple of extra hours away from the kids.

My husband is around in the morning and spending time with the kids, but isn't responsible for feeding and dressing them so that's downtime for him. He usually gets home after bedtimes, and gets a couple of hours then as well.

On weekends, we each get a morning to sleep in or otherwise be off duty (usually lasts until around 9 am, but can be less or more depending on how everyone's doing), and then our weekends are a combination of divide-and-conquer on kids activities, spending family time together, and trading off responsibility for the kids in an informal way to let each of us get some downtime.

Overall, I don't know that we get more along time that you and your husband do. The difference, I think, is in our attitudes. While the kids are work, we also just regard it as part of our lives, not something to avoid. Also, we're a team in making sure everyone gets what they truly need (as opposed to would ideally like) in the way of a break depending on how busy they've been, whether they've been sick or stressed etc. We rarely get into issues of exactly how many hours each of us is getting. Finally, while we spend plenty of time with the kids, we also appreciate the value in letting them entertain themselves for a while so we can get chores done or take a little time for ourselves to relax. It's good to model for your kids things like reading a book.

[Anonymous]

You guys both get more alone time than I or my husband do.

And stop entertaining your kid all day. It's not good for you or for him. Have him hang out with you while you fold laundry. Have a drawer of utensils that he can play with while you start dinner. Run short errands with him (not the grocery store, but the dry cleaning or the pharmacy, for example.) Let him play by himself for a few minutes so you can pay the bills. It will be good for him and for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, playing with your toddler in the playroom for six hours a day is something you should cut back on. It's essentially a waste of your time and productivity, and gives him a twisted notion of the world and his place in it.

Fit him into your life. Take him on your errands during the day. Fit him into the household chores routine during the day. Yes, trying to do things with a toddler drags everything out and is infinitely harder, but it's the healthy way to do things.

Are you and your husband happy and content with your level of disconnect? It's how you both grew up, so it's what you know, but is it working for you now? Are you both introverts? Before the child, did you do things together?

Your husband wanting more alone time is HIS problem to solve, not yours. When he's gone on work travel half the weekends, doesn't he get alone time then, in his off hours, when he has no wife and kid around? And when he's home on weekends, he does sports at night? He can't have it all. You're a single parent on the weekends he's gone? What more can he ask of you?

When do you and he connect? Do you have a sex life? Or are you both okay with the way things are between you?

I say all this with sympathy, because I know how intense and difficult it is to get through the baby/toddler years with no outside help or family.