SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he mean when he says he doesn't get enough alone time? If he's getting an hour each weekday, 2 evenings of sports, and all the way until 3 pm both weekend days (unless he's working), it sounds like he's getting an awful lot of alone time already. Is it perhaps that he needs more downtime during the week, because he's feeling burned out come weekend? Maybe you could take more time in the evenings (e.g., not hand over childcare as soon as he comes in the door) and then have him go on duty earlier each day during the weekends to make it up?

One things that jumped out at me from a bigger picture, though, even though I know it wasn't your question. When do all three of you get family time together to do things? It kind of sounds like you're treating your toddler like a hot potato you're just passing from one person to the other.

OP here. It's just hard because after a 12 hour day with our son, I'm ready for him to take over childcare when he comes home. And my husband goes to bed really early as it is (9:30 pm).

We don't really have family time except meal times. Once in awhile (maybe once a month) we will all go out and do something together on a weekend but overall we don't have family time.

Given your responses, I don't think the alone time is the issue, I think the family dynamics are more problematic than that. You're so thoroughly drained and overwhelmed with one toddler that you can barely do basic housework and can't run errands at all, and your husband is so disengaged that even though he only spends a few hours a week with your child, he's looking to escape even more. Having a toddler is tiring, but not to the extent you describe. If you haven't done so in the last year or so, I would strongly recommend that you both get full physicals to rule out physiological reasons for your exhaustion/disconnection, and also get screened for depression. If that doesn't help, some counseling, jointly or individually, might help you work through things, connect a bit more and develop some better coping mechanisms. You can treat the symptoms by getting more childcare help and both of you basically checking out on your family, but that's not going to work well in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no way I can do housework during the day other than cleaning the kitchen. I can clean the kitchen and load/unload dishwasher while my toddler is finishing lunch, but other than that, it's hard unless I can get some things done during naptime. Toddler takes one 2 hour nap per day. I usually do a load or two of laundry and some tidying up if I have the energy. But often I am worn out from our morning activity (running after him at gym class or something) so I'm too tired to do housework during his nap.

And I never do errands with him. It's just too stressful. He will cry the whole time. He is a high needs toddler and cries a lot/is cranky a lot while out.

You sound high maintenance, OP. I'm not surprised that your Dh needs more alone time.

Unhelpful, and inaccurate. Ignore this person, OP.

It sounds like you just need to suck it up and run errands with your toddler, even if he is whiny. IMO it's not a good idea to structure your life around his (temporary, harmless) unhappiness - think of what this is teaching him.

Otherwise, your DH sounds rather selfish. I know he works a lot, but so do you!

I think hiring help is your best option. Tuesday and Thursdays from, say, 9-1 so you can go to the salon, or look at books, or just go have coffee and read a newspaper. What you've described sounds awful! Also, have a date night! At least once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to motherhood. I find it incredibly hard to believe you can't get anything done during the day. Do you play all day long ? I had 3 in diapers and still managed to cook, clean, go out shopping, do laundry. The machines today are great, they do the work now, all you have to do is put it in and take it out.

Correction, you don't watch your kid. You parent. He's not a pet.

As for your husband, he's got a legitimate gripe. You are a lazy wife, self absorbed while he works non stop. Grow up Princess. Why did you have a kid if you didn't want to be a mother ?

So rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to motherhood. I find it incredibly hard to believe you can't get anything done during the day. Do you play all day long ? I had 3 in diapers and still managed to cook, clean, go out shopping, do laundry. The machines today are great, they do the work now, all you have to do is put it in and take it out.

Correction, you don't watch your kid. You parent. He's not a pet.

As for your husband, he's got a legitimate gripe. You are a lazy wife, self absorbed while he works non stop. Grow up Princess. Why did you have a kid if you didn't want to be a mother ?

No one said she was lazy. But being wiped out from toddler gym time doesn't seem normal. If I get overwhelmed I get very fatigued. Maybe you need to regroup and get a schedule that works for you, kid, and DH. The current system doesn't seem to work for anyone except your child.

[Anonymous]

I go out 2x a month after DH gets home. Roughly same for DH. Weekends are spent almost totally together unless I run a quick errand.

Running errands with 1 kid is really not that bad. You both already get a TON of alone time. If be more worried about lack of couple/family time.

[Anonymous]

I can't get over that he gets to sleep in weekends he doesn't work and that you are in charge of childcare until 3 those days. That is insane. How is he wanting more out of you?

If he is working that much, does he earn enough to pay for a regular babysitter (or cleaner)? Something's gotta give here.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like your DH gets a decent amount of alone time, and to be honest - it sounds like you do too. I would love to have Saturday AND Sunday evenings to myself but then I'd miss out on family time...so I get a few nights a month to go out with friends and that seems about right! There's just not unlimited time when you have young kids, and it sometimes requires an adjustment of expectations. I do think if you were able to find a way to take care of more household tasks with your toddler around that you would feel less in need of so much solo time to catch up. As a SAHM the household stuff is sort of your domain and it does take some trial and error to get things running smoothly, especially your first time out of the gate.

[Anonymous]

This "schedule" obviously isn't set in stone but it's a general idea.

Dh leaves at 6am, home at 530-6.
2 days a week he swings by earlier and picks up DS and they go to the gym. 2 year old DS goes To the play area while DH works outs for about an hour
One day a week babysitter comes in afternoon while I go to volunteer activity. Dh Gets home at 630 and relieves babysitter an does dinner/bed time routine. Dh also gets to relax after as I'm not home til very late.
He has 1 or 2 other nights where his only "duty" is to help put ds to bed.

Weekends:
Saturday morning we all go to gym together then I run some errands. After nap do family activity. Sometimes we have date night, sometimes one of us goes out with a friend.
Sunday mornings dh and ds go out to breakfast while I go to the gym. Then dh takes over until nap time. During his 2 hr nap time, dh and I straighten up. Dh gets most of the afternoon off as well as after ds' bed time to do whatever.

As for cleaning: kitchen gets cleaned by dh after dinner as I cook. One day a week I do laundry pretty much all day. Ds helps. One day a week I clean bathrooms during nap. One day a week I Vacuum. Other days I clean what needs to be cleaned but big cleaning is saved for the weekend.

Dh and I go to bed at 11pm. Some nights we hang out together. Other nights I'm doing homework for my CE classes since I start a new job in a couple of months

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This "schedule" obviously isn't set in stone but it's a general idea.

Dh leaves at 6am, home at 530-6.
2 days a week he swings by earlier and picks up DS and they go to the gym. 2 year old DS goes To the play area while DH works outs for about an hour
One day a week babysitter comes in afternoon while I go to volunteer activity. Dh Gets home at 630 and relieves babysitter an does dinner/bed time routine. Dh also gets to relax after as I'm not home til very late.
He has 1 or 2 other nights where his only "duty" is to help put ds to bed.

Weekends:
Saturday morning we all go to gym together then I run some errands. After nap do family activity. Sometimes we have date night, sometimes one of us goes out with a friend.
Sunday mornings dh and ds go out to breakfast while I go to the gym. Then dh takes over until nap time. During his 2 hr nap time, dh and I straighten up. Dh gets most of the afternoon off as well as after ds' bed time to do whatever.

As for cleaning: kitchen gets cleaned by dh after dinner as I cook. One day a week I do laundry pretty much all day. Ds helps. One day a week I clean bathrooms during nap. One day a week I Vacuum. Other days I clean what needs to be cleaned but big cleaning is saved for the weekend.

Dh and I go to bed at 11pm. Some nights we hang out together. Other nights I'm doing homework for my CE classes since I start a new job in a couple of months

Knew I should have proofread. That should say on Saturdays dh takes over til nap time while I run errands. Both Saturday and Sunday We do family activities. Saturday after nap, Sundays before.

[Anonymous]

How old is your toddler? My kid was whiny and clingy and I hated taking her on errands from about 9 months-14 months, then she dramatically improved. It's so much easier now (she just turned 2). I get so much more done around the house now that she's not clinging to my leg constantly anymore.

I also think you do not spend enough time as a family. I always wonder about these situations when people have the SAH vs WOH parent debate: where the dad is out of the house so much that the mom is essentially a single mother. That type of lifestyle seems so exhausting for the mom and less than ideal for the kid. If there's no way to change how much your husband is away from the home, I'd definitely get some help. You need a break. I'm sure your husband works hard, but he probably also gets a lunch break, bathroom breaks, commute time to himself, etc, where you are always "on".

[Anonymous]

Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

[Anonymous]

Don't have any more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

LOL! Your medal is in the mail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

OP here. Why do you think our family dynamic is odd? I don't get that. The issue is that with husband working 2 weekends per month (traveling for work), we only have 2 weekends for "family time." In the warmer months there are more things we enjoy doing together--parks, festivals, fairs, day trips, etc. but in the winter months I really can't think of anything that we could do that would be "family time." My husband likes to have father-son time alone with our son since he barely sees him during the week, so they go to different activities together on the weekends in the morning. I don't really see what the point is of me tagging along to these since I do them all week long, you know--playgroup, gym class, etc. We don't have any local family to visit, which could be a good family time activity. We used to take our son out to restaurants until the last few months, when that became a lot more difficult and unpleasant, so we don't go out to restaurants as a family anymore. So I guess I don't really have any ideas on what could be family time with a toddler in the winter months. Toddler is 14 months.