SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

OP here. Why do you think our family dynamic is odd? I don't get that. The issue is that with husband working 2 weekends per month (traveling for work), we only have 2 weekends for "family time." In the warmer months there are more things we enjoy doing together--parks, festivals, fairs, day trips, etc. but in the winter months I really can't think of anything that we could do that would be "family time." My husband likes to have father-son time alone with our son since he barely sees him during the week, so they go to different activities together on the weekends in the morning. I don't really see what the point is of me tagging along to these since I do them all week long, you know--playgroup, gym class, etc. We don't have any local family to visit, which could be a good family time activity. We used to take our son out to restaurants until the last few months, when that became a lot more difficult and unpleasant, so we don't go out to restaurants as a family anymore. So I guess I don't really have any ideas on what could be family time with a toddler in the winter months. Toddler is 14 months.

How is your husband taking your toddler on father-son outings on weekend mornings when he's sleeping in both mornings and you're on child care duty until 3pm?

I was wondering the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Exactly, PP. Something doesn't add up here.

[Anonymous]

OP - your story isn't adding up - how are you doing pancake breakfasts as a family if your are alone with the toddler on the weekends? In the same vein, how is your husband doing outing on the weekend mornings if he is also sleeping in?

Also, what kind of errands are you doing at midnight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - your story isn't adding up - how are you doing pancake breakfasts as a family if your are alone with the toddler on the weekends? In the same vein, how is your husband doing outing on the weekend mornings if he is also sleeping in?

Also, what kind of errands are you doing at midnight?

OP here. To clarify, husband works two weekends a month. On the two weekends he is home, then we do the pancake breakfasts, nice weekend dinners at home, etc. So mealtime is our family time, weekend meals and all dinners during the week when husband is home (some days he works late but we eat together when he is home).

On the weekends, if there is an activity my husband wants to do with our son, he takes him in the afternoon usually after sleeping in. He sleeps in until 10 am, and then has the morning and afternoon to himself. Usually he uses this time to catch up on work related reading--journal articles, etc. At 2 or 3 pm he takes over childcare for the rest of the day, and they do an afternoon activity usually.

I much prefer to do errands one weekday evening per week. It's so much better than shopping during the day, and I can shop leisurely and have some alone time. If I take my toddler to the grocery store, he cries and fusses the whole time and whines to get out of the cart and walk. Then I have to rush to finish my grocery shopping. If I shop alone on a weeknight it is better. Grocery stores are open really late. Big box stores are open late too. This doesn't affect my husband because I leave after bedtime usually while he stays home.

[Anonymous]

I would laugh at my husband if he had this schedule and said he needed more alone time. That's ridiculous; he's getting plenty.

In terms of your high-need toddler, you need to stop catering him. You could get more done around the house if you put him in a "safe area." Could you gate off a room and childproof it and let them play there (he needs to learn how to entertain himself) for even 15 - 20 minutes while you do something, checking in on him and talking to him/interacting with him while you are doing what it is you need to do. You also need to run errands with him. I have 2 under 2 and you just need to do it. He will eventually learn to behave in public. You cannot cater to him and keep him at home just because he is "high needs" and cries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - your story isn't adding up - how are you doing pancake breakfasts as a family if your are alone with the toddler on the weekends? In the same vein, how is your husband doing outing on the weekend mornings if he is also sleeping in?

Also, what kind of errands are you doing at midnight?

OP here. To clarify, husband works two weekends a month. On the two weekends he is home, then we do the pancake breakfasts, nice weekend dinners at home, etc. So mealtime is our family time, weekend meals and all dinners during the week when husband is home (some days he works late but we eat together when he is home).

On the weekends, if there is an activity my husband wants to do with our son, he takes him in the afternoon usually after sleeping in. He sleeps in until 10 am, and then has the morning and afternoon to himself. Usually he uses this time to catch up on work related reading--journal articles, etc. At 2 or 3 pm he takes over childcare for the rest of the day, and they do an afternoon activity usually.

I much prefer to do errands one weekday evening per week. It's so much better than shopping during the day, and I can shop leisurely and have some alone time. If I take my toddler to the grocery store, he cries and fusses the whole time and whines to get out of the cart and walk. Then I have to rush to finish my grocery shopping. If I shop alone on a weeknight it is better. Grocery stores are open really late. Big box stores are open late too. This doesn't affect my husband because I leave after bedtime usually while he stays home.

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. So why exactly did you post if you are not interesting in changing anything (other than your husband's mind?)

[Anonymous]

OP, doesn't your child nap? Can't you do drop off playdates to get time to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to motherhood. I find it incredibly hard to believe you can't get anything done during the day. Do you play all day long ? I had 3 in diapers and still managed to cook, clean, go out shopping, do laundry. The machines today are great, they do the work now, all you have to do is put it in and take it out.

Correction, you don't watch your kid. You parent. He's not a pet.

As for your husband, he's got a legitimate gripe. You are a lazy wife, self absorbed while he works non stop. Grow up Princess. Why did you have a kid if you didn't want to be a mother ?

Puhlease.The days I'm at work are a f'ing cake walk compared to the constant parenting on the weekends.

OP, if he's working these hours, I hope you have lots of money. Hire a PT nanny. If he's not making tons of money, he needs to find a new job that doesn't have him out of the house for 13 hours/day. His schedule and his demands for more alone time are bullshit.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, doesn't your child nap? Can't you do drop off playdates to get time to yourself?

OP here. A drop off playdate for a 14 month old? Seriously?

Yes, my son takes one two hour nap per day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - your story isn't adding up - how are you doing pancake breakfasts as a family if your are alone with the toddler on the weekends? In the same vein, how is your husband doing outing on the weekend mornings if he is also sleeping in?

Also, what kind of errands are you doing at midnight?

OP here. To clarify, husband works two weekends a month. On the two weekends he is home, then we do the pancake breakfasts, nice weekend dinners at home, etc. So mealtime is our family time, weekend meals and all dinners during the week when husband is home (some days he works late but we eat together when he is home).

On the weekends, if there is an activity my husband wants to do with our son, he takes him in the afternoon usually after sleeping in. He sleeps in until 10 am, and then has the morning and afternoon to himself. Usually he uses this time to catch up on work related reading--journal articles, etc. At 2 or 3 pm he takes over childcare for the rest of the day, and they do an afternoon activity usually.

I much prefer to do errands one weekday evening per week. It's so much better than shopping during the day, and I can shop leisurely and have some alone time. If I take my toddler to the grocery store, he cries and fusses the whole time and whines to get out of the cart and walk. Then I have to rush to finish my grocery shopping. If I shop alone on a weeknight it is better. Grocery stores are open really late. Big box stores are open late too. This doesn't affect my husband because I leave after bedtime usually while he stays home.

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. So why exactly did you post if you are not interesting in changing anything (other than your husband's mind?)

OP here. I posted so I can get ideas of how to get my husband more alone time and learn how other SAHMs balance their alone time with spouse's alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

OP here. I did mention that mealtimes are our family time--dinner during the week and most meals on the weekend when husband is not working. We also do a pancake breakfast on the weekend.

This thread made me realize that growing up, we had zero "family time" except for maybe a few times a year. My father was always tired from work, and spent his weekends relaxing and reading, and my mother took me places. We almost never had "family time" and I know it was the same with my husband's family. Is family time really that important?

Um, yeah. Are you each close to your families of origin, or not? I treasure our family times, and I have two teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

OP here. I did mention that mealtimes are our family time--dinner during the week and most meals on the weekend when husband is not working. We also do a pancake breakfast on the weekend.

This thread made me realize that growing up, we had zero "family time" except for maybe a few times a year. My father was always tired from work, and spent his weekends relaxing and reading, and my mother took me places. We almost never had "family time" and I know it was the same with my husband's family. Is family time really that important?

Um, yeah. Are you each close to your families of origin, or not? I treasure our family times, and I have two teenagers.

No, neither of us is close with our families of origin. They also live very far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is a troll. She sealed it when she asked if family time was important. (I don't doubt that many people have a hard time figuring out family/personal/work/kid time balance, but the way she's describing things is ridiculous)

A troll or Indian.

[Anonymous]

I've noticed that a lot of young, middle class, parents today tend to spend an enormous amount time doing "activities" with their kids. They're constantly playing with them and hovering around them. I think this results in children who can't be alone and constantly require interaction from adults. The more you hover, the less they can be alone.

Middle/Upper-class mothers have become very perfectionist and think that they are "bad" parents if they are not constantly playing with their kids. It's not a parent's job to constantly enthrall their children with activities. It's an unrealistic ideal, and it's no surprise that SAHMs get tired and husbands are confused why she can't get things done at home, when he works 60+ hours per week.

It shouldn't be that difficult for a SAHM to take care of one or two children and get things done around the house. Mothers have been doing this, with less, for centuries.