SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to a toddler. My husband works 60-70 hour weeks plus 2-3 weekends per month. We have no local family and don't have any childcare help. I'm interested to know how other SAHMs balance time to themselves versus spouse's time to himself. How do you handle childcare on the weekends? How many hours per week do you get to yourself versus your spouse?

Recently my husband said that he is not getting enough alone time and wants more. I'm trying to figure out how he can get more alone time, balanced with my need for some time for myself too. Since we have no family help we never get a break, and we have not had a date night since our son was born. We are open to hiring help (a mother's helper) but I have been looking for someone for a few weeks and can't find anyone who is willing to work the hours we need.

Here is our schedule:

5:30 am: husband leaves for office. I watch our child from wakeup until my husband comes home from work (6 pm normal days, two days per week he comes home after bedtime). My husband takes over childcare when he walks in the door if our son is still up. During that time that husband is watching our son, I usually do household chores (since I can't get much done during the day). One weeknight per week I go out and do errands after our son is in bed (from about 7 pm-midnight).

On weekends, my husband gets to sleep in both days, and I watch our son until 3 pm. Then I get the rest of the afternoon/evening to myself (usually I go out with friends while husband stays home and watches our son).

So basically the time I get for myself is one hour before bedtime, a few hours after bedtime (I stay up until 12:30 am so I can get more time to myself), and half the days on the weekend.

Husband says he needs more time to himself. He gets one hour after bedtime (husband goes to bed at 9:30). And he gets to sleep in both weekend days and has until 3 pm for himself. He also does a sport twice a week, in the evenings.

The only couple time we have together is we watch TV together for one hour after our son's bedtime on weeknights. But I like to go out and my husband prefers to stay in, so on the weekends I like to go out with friends whenever I can.

Does anyone have any suggestions for us?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Also forgot to mention that my husband works two weekends per month, so on those weekends I watch our son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a toddler. My husband works 60-70 hour weeks plus 2-3 weekends per month. We have no local family and don't have any childcare help. I'm interested to know how other SAHMs balance time to themselves versus spouse's time to himself. How do you handle childcare on the weekends? How many hours per week do you get to yourself versus your spouse?

Recently my husband said that he is not getting enough alone time and wants more. I'm trying to figure out how he can get more alone time, balanced with my need for some time for myself too. Since we have no family help we never get a break, and we have not had a date night since our son was born. We are open to hiring help (a mother's helper) but I have been looking for someone for a few weeks and can't find anyone who is willing to work the hours we need.

Here is our schedule:

5:30 am: husband leaves for office. I watch our child from wakeup until my husband comes home from work (6 pm normal days, two days per week he comes home after bedtime). My husband takes over childcare when he walks in the door if our son is still up. During that time that husband is watching our son, I usually do household chores (since I can't get much done during the day). One weeknight per week I go out and do errands after our son is in bed (from about 7 pm-midnight).

On weekends, my husband gets to sleep in both days, and I watch our son until 3 pm. Then I get the rest of the afternoon/evening to myself (usually I go out with friends while husband stays home and watches our son).

So basically the time I get for myself is one hour before bedtime, a few hours after bedtime (I stay up until 12:30 am so I can get more time to myself), and half the days on the weekend.

Husband says he needs more time to himself. He gets one hour after bedtime (husband goes to bed at 9:30). And he gets to sleep in both weekend days and has until 3 pm for himself. He also does a sport twice a week, in the evenings.

The only couple time we have together is we watch TV together for one hour after our son's bedtime on weeknights. But I like to go out and my husband prefers to stay in, so on the weekends I like to go out with friends whenever I can.

Does anyone have any suggestions for us?

Seems like he should get one weekend day to himself. Otherwise he only get time alone when he's asleep. You need to schedule time to do errands with your child and do all of the housework during the day.

[Anonymous]

He already gets A LOT of time to himself. He gets to sleep in both days? That's nice for him. And he has all weekend day until 3pm by himself and does sports two nights a week? That is more than my DH gets and if my DH complained of this like yours we would have some problems. Wait until you have two kids. I take one child to one activity he takes the other one. Neither of us get "alone" time on Saturday morning.

[Anonymous]

What does he mean when he says he doesn't get enough alone time? If he's getting an hour each weekday, 2 evenings of sports, and all the way until 3 pm both weekend days (unless he's working), it sounds like he's getting an awful lot of alone time already. Is it perhaps that he needs more downtime during the week, because he's feeling burned out come weekend? Maybe you could take more time in the evenings (e.g., not hand over childcare as soon as he comes in the door) and then have him go on duty earlier each day during the weekends to make it up?

One things that jumped out at me from a bigger picture, though, even though I know it wasn't your question. When do all three of you get family time together to do things? It kind of sounds like you're treating your toddler like a hot potato you're just passing from one person to the other.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire someone. More than just a few hours/week. Like 15. Care.com. And pay slightly above market. You'll find someone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. There is no way I can do housework during the day other than cleaning the kitchen. I can clean the kitchen and load/unload dishwasher while my toddler is finishing lunch, but other than that, it's hard unless I can get some things done during naptime. Toddler takes one 2 hour nap per day. I usually do a load or two of laundry and some tidying up if I have the energy. But often I am worn out from our morning activity (running after him at gym class or something) so I'm too tired to do housework during his nap.

And I never do errands with him. It's just too stressful. He will cry the whole time. He is a high needs toddler and cries a lot/is cranky a lot while out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he mean when he says he doesn't get enough alone time? If he's getting an hour each weekday, 2 evenings of sports, and all the way until 3 pm both weekend days (unless he's working), it sounds like he's getting an awful lot of alone time already. Is it perhaps that he needs more downtime during the week, because he's feeling burned out come weekend? Maybe you could take more time in the evenings (e.g., not hand over childcare as soon as he comes in the door) and then have him go on duty earlier each day during the weekends to make it up?

One things that jumped out at me from a bigger picture, though, even though I know it wasn't your question. When do all three of you get family time together to do things? It kind of sounds like you're treating your toddler like a hot potato you're just passing from one person to the other.

That really stood out to me too!

Why can't you run errands with your toddler, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no way I can do housework during the day other than cleaning the kitchen. I can clean the kitchen and load/unload dishwasher while my toddler is finishing lunch, but other than that, it's hard unless I can get some things done during naptime. Toddler takes one 2 hour nap per day. I usually do a load or two of laundry and some tidying up if I have the energy. But often I am worn out from our morning activity (running after him at gym class or something) so I'm too tired to do housework during his nap.

And I never do errands with him. It's just too stressful. He will cry the whole time. He is a high needs toddler and cries a lot/is cranky a lot while out.

You sound high maintenance, OP. I'm not surprised that your Dh needs more alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he mean when he says he doesn't get enough alone time? If he's getting an hour each weekday, 2 evenings of sports, and all the way until 3 pm both weekend days (unless he's working), it sounds like he's getting an awful lot of alone time already. Is it perhaps that he needs more downtime during the week, because he's feeling burned out come weekend? Maybe you could take more time in the evenings (e.g., not hand over childcare as soon as he comes in the door) and then have him go on duty earlier each day during the weekends to make it up?

One things that jumped out at me from a bigger picture, though, even though I know it wasn't your question. When do all three of you get family time together to do things? It kind of sounds like you're treating your toddler like a hot potato you're just passing from one person to the other.

OP here. It's just hard because after a 12 hour day with our son, I'm ready for him to take over childcare when he comes home. And my husband goes to bed really early as it is (9:30 pm).

We don't really have family time except meal times. Once in awhile (maybe once a month) we will all go out and do something together on a weekend but overall we don't have family time.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather run errands the way I do it now, one evening per week, after bedtime. It's so much easier that way. I can shop leisurely without my toddler crying/fussing during errands. I also view errands time as alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no way I can do housework during the day other than cleaning the kitchen. I can clean the kitchen and load/unload dishwasher while my toddler is finishing lunch, but other than that, it's hard unless I can get some things done during naptime. Toddler takes one 2 hour nap per day. I usually do a load or two of laundry and some tidying up if I have the energy. But often I am worn out from our morning activity (running after him at gym class or something) so I'm too tired to do housework during his nap.

And I never do errands with him. It's just too stressful. He will cry the whole time. He is a high needs toddler and cries a lot/is cranky a lot while out.

I think you have bigger issues than alone time if a toddler gym session wears you out and you can't ever do errands with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire someone. More than just a few hours/week. Like 15. Care.com. And pay slightly above market. You'll find someone.

We are looking for someone. I haven't been able to find anyone yet. We are on care.com. We need a regular sitter on weekends and I can't find anyone who wants to babysit every weekend for a few hours. It seems that people are looking for sporadic babysitting jobs but not every Saturday during the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There is no way I can do housework during the day other than cleaning the kitchen. I can clean the kitchen and load/unload dishwasher while my toddler is finishing lunch, but other than that, it's hard unless I can get some things done during naptime. Toddler takes one 2 hour nap per day. I usually do a load or two of laundry and some tidying up if I have the energy. But often I am worn out from our morning activity (running after him at gym class or something) so I'm too tired to do housework during his nap.

And I never do errands with him. It's just too stressful. He will cry the whole time. He is a high needs toddler and cries a lot/is cranky a lot while out.

I think you have bigger issues than alone time if a toddler gym session wears you out and you can't ever do errands with your child.

Yeah I don't have a ton of energy. Toddler gym sessions are tiring. But my toddler often seems to be the most energetic one in the class, so keeping up with him can be very tiring.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to motherhood. I find it incredibly hard to believe you can't get anything done during the day. Do you play all day long ? I had 3 in diapers and still managed to cook, clean, go out shopping, do laundry. The machines today are great, they do the work now, all you have to do is put it in and take it out.

Correction, you don't watch your kid. You parent. He's not a pet.

As for your husband, he's got a legitimate gripe. You are a lazy wife, self absorbed while he works non stop. Grow up Princess. Why did you have a kid if you didn't want to be a mother ?