SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why some PPs are saying OP should run errands during the day. She runs errands after the kid is asleep so her DH is getting some alone time while she's out. He said he wants more alone time, not less.

[Anonymous]

this post stressed me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

OP here. Why do you think our family dynamic is odd? I don't get that. The issue is that with husband working 2 weekends per month (traveling for work), we only have 2 weekends for "family time." In the warmer months there are more things we enjoy doing together--parks, festivals, fairs, day trips, etc. but in the winter months I really can't think of anything that we could do that would be "family time." My husband likes to have father-son time alone with our son since he barely sees him during the week, so they go to different activities together on the weekends in the morning. I don't really see what the point is of me tagging along to these since I do them all week long, you know--playgroup, gym class, etc. We don't have any local family to visit, which could be a good family time activity. We used to take our son out to restaurants until the last few months, when that became a lot more difficult and unpleasant, so we don't go out to restaurants as a family anymore. So I guess I don't really have any ideas on what could be family time with a toddler in the winter months. Toddler is 14 months.

Seriously OP?!? Read books as a family. Play. Talk. Sing songs. Go for a walk (just bundle up it isn't that cold). Play music. I think you need to think long and hard about what constitutes a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

OP here. I did mention that mealtimes are our family time--dinner during the week and most meals on the weekend when husband is not working. We also do a pancake breakfast on the weekend.

This thread made me realize that growing up, we had zero "family time" except for maybe a few times a year. My father was always tired from work, and spent his weekends relaxing and reading, and my mother took me places. We almost never had "family time" and I know it was the same with my husband's family. Is family time really that important?

Yes. Family time is that important. Vital in fact. It's why DH mad I had kids. To be a family. I'd recommend talking this out as a family mad maybe with a counselor.

[Anonymous]

NP here, and I haven't read all the posts, but I'm also a SAHM, and I completely understand the family dynamic. Yes, "family time" is important, but so is time to yourself. A lot of it depends on what you prefer as an individual and what you need to recharge.

I personally need time to myself and/or with other adult friends after a long day with my toddler. I think the OP seems totally normal in this regard.

What does your DH want to do and when? I think your schedule right now seems very fair. You're splitting everything as much as you can, and you seem pretty low-key about it. I don't think DH "deserves" more time or is being short-changed on the alone time he gets based on the schedule you gave.

But if he specifically wants to go out with a friend or work on a project and has some specific times he wants to do that, it's fair to consider it just for the sake of making everyone happy. I don't think it's fair to just carte blanche give him more "me time" at the expense of your "me time." If that's what he wants, then it's time to hire a babysitter for that time.

If he wants to work on a personal hobby or something and requests a few extra hours one weekend or even wants a whole weekend to do this, that's fine -- if it's okay with you, and if you get your own weekend in the future, should you desire it. It's just what works best for all of you.

I do think that finding some time to be with DH alone might be nice, but I also understand that this is really hard and sometimes not a priority. For us, the struggle is that it's a priority for my DH but not always for me -- after being "social" all day with my toddler and sometimes playdates, I really want alone time in the evenings, and he wants to hang out. But it doesn't sound like you have this conflict.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to find a job that will at a minimum, cover the cost of daycare if you want time for yourself. You see all of that time your husband has to himself? He's using it to make a living to keep a roof over your heads.

You need to go back to work. I swear, if you don't, your marriage will collapse. You will continue to complaint, be resentful. He will be resentful that you are bitching and don't see the sacrifice he's making. Someone will either step out (and into the arms of someone who gives a modicum of a damn) or you will just collapse into a heap of bitterness that will culminate in a divorce the second that kid goes to college.

Or your husband will die and will you need to find a job anyway.

So do yourself a favor. Find a job that covers the costs of daycare (or at least contributes substantially to it). Carry the health benefits (crap non-profits tend to have better plans anyway).

Or just continue complaining. You won't get anywhere but a horrible place. I've seen this happen to friends, repeatedly. I'm a bit older and am in the sundown years of raising kids and it just is heartbreaking to see what a lack of perspective does to a life.

[Anonymous]

Please ignore the haters/trolls.

I just wanted to say that I completely understand. I was home with my 2 kids, and one was so much more exhausting to watch then the other one. I also found it hard to get chores done during the day, it's fine if you just do them at other times. Do what works for you.

As far as the family time, if you aren't getting any family time right now, that's ok. When things calm down in a few years and your toddler is easier to handle, it will be easier to do things with the 3 of you together.

As far as your questions about how to increase each of your alone time, I think sit down with DH and instead try to figure out which alone time you each prefer the most, and try to get more of that. For example, I don't know what it was about being able to get away for just 1 hour and go to a bookstore and have a cup of coffee, but when my son was a baby I loved that. (Compared to if I had alone time at home for 1 hour, it was just ok.)

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll. She sealed it when she asked if family time was important. (I don't doubt that many people have a hard time figuring out family/personal/work/kid time balance, but the way she's describing things is ridiculous)

[Anonymous]

I disagree. I think it's about finding what makes you happy. Clearly, being home full time isn't doing it. And there's a cost to being a SAHM that is just plain stupid if your family isn't benefiting (including yourself) from the arrangement.

Being a SAHP isn't a sentence. It's a choice that comes with a lack of personal time. You need to accept this, find ways to carve out time to yourself (on the weekends or when your kid is sleeping) along with the benefits of being home (there are so, so many) in order to really be happy. Otherwise, the grass will always look greener.

-SAHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I think it's about finding what makes you happy. Clearly, being home full time isn't doing it. And there's a cost to being a SAHM that is just plain stupid if your family isn't benefiting (including yourself) from the arrangement.

Being a SAHP isn't a sentence. It's a choice that comes with a lack of personal time. You need to accept this, find ways to carve out time to yourself (on the weekends or when your kid is sleeping) along with the benefits of being home (there are so, so many) in order to really be happy. Otherwise, the grass will always look greener.

-SAHD

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I just think OP isn't cut out for being a SAHP. It's a high energy gig that requires the ability to multitask and keep a lot of balls going. She clearly focuses on her son (good on her) to the detriment of everything else. Her DH appears to do an awesome job contributing, but OP is still unhappy.

The main connection in all of this is OP. She needs to get a job, put that high needs kid in daycare (where I am sure he won't be, trust), and fix her life. It's not working right now to her own benefit. So, she needs to make a change. Be a grown up and do the work to be happy.

Or you can just complain about how hard not very hard things are. I am going to tell you that your DH (who sounds awesome) isn't going to put up with that for much longer.

[Anonymous]

In addition to feeling really sad about these people's lack of family time, I'm still stuck as to why OP can't get things done during the day. I'm a SAHM of three kids (each 16 months) apart and I have never had more free time. I look for chores to do and places to go to get the kids out of the house. How is this one toddler so high maintenance that "nothing" can be done during the day? Sounds weird. As for weekends, please think of doing things together. We try and have at least one family adventure every weekend. Even if it's just a picnic by a river in the summer or walk somewhere different in the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think OP isn't cut out for being a SAHP. It's a high energy gig that requires the ability to multitask and keep a lot of balls going. She clearly focuses on her son (good on her) to the detriment of everything else. Her DH appears to do an awesome job contributing, but OP is still unhappy.

The main connection in all of this is OP. She needs to get a job, put that high needs kid in daycare (where I am sure he won't be, trust), and fix her life. It's not working right now to her own benefit. So, she needs to make a change. Be a grown up and do the work to be happy.

Or you can just complain about how hard not very hard things are. I am going to tell you that your DH (who sounds awesome) isn't going to put up with that for much longer.

This is my read. If I stayed at home, you can bet your last dollar I'd be running all the errands I could during the week, except maybe grocery shopping. A two-hour nap is plenty of time to do one cleaning chore a day and have some downtime. I work full-time and have to do all the same household chores and errands as the OP. If taking your kid to a gym class exhausts you so much that you can't get anything accomplished during a two-hour nap, then this may not be the lifestyle for you. Or hire help--get a housecleaner. Be more flexible in a babysitter's hours--you don't need to be anywhere at a specific time, you just need someone to cover a few hours a few times a week so you can get stuff done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather run errands the way I do it now, one evening per week, after bedtime. It's so much easier that way. I can shop leisurely without my toddler crying/fussing during errands. I also view errands time as alone time.

I wasn't aware that shopping was a leisure activity.

Ha. My husband acts like it is. He'll talk about how nice it is for me to go grocery shopping by myself at 8pm. It really pisses me off. No, it's not fun for me, it's a chore. That I do it without my toddler does not make it a leisure activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to feeling really sad about these people's lack of family time, I'm still stuck as to why OP can't get things done during the day. I'm a SAHM of three kids (each 16 months) apart and I have never had more free time. I look for chores to do and places to go to get the kids out of the house. How is this one toddler so high maintenance that "nothing" can be done during the day? Sounds weird. As for weekends, please think of doing things together. We try and have at least one family adventure every weekend. Even if it's just a picnic by a river in the summer or walk somewhere different in the winter.

This. After my maternity leave ended, I quit my job at a big law firm and worked around 15 hours a week from home on contract research work. I did that for two years (went back to work 30 hours a week in a firm when my son turned 3). During that two year period, I sometimes had 20 hours a week of nanny help, but went through a 6-month period where I didn't have any help. My son was napping 3 hours a day during that period, which is when I worked. And 3 out of 4 weeks a month, my husband travels for work for usually 4 days a week (once every couple months, he'll have an overseas trip that goes into the weekend). It was boring as hell and lonely for those years, but I never didn't have enough time to get stuff done -- including my 15 hours a week of work, cleaning the house, errands, playdates and once-a-week classes with my son, plenty of downtime every day, plus nonstop family time on the weekend. It wasn't our most glamorous time -- in that, the house was usually a bit messy, there were always chunks of food on the kitchen floor, and I wasn't exercising much or anything. But it wasn't hard to stay afloat and keep things moving along. I wasn't stressed either.

I also think OP's description of how much time she versus her husband spend with their kid is morphing over time. What initially sounded like OP was doing 99% of the work has morphed into OP getting every evening after 9:30 to herself, getting 2 hours of nap time every day, handing off child to husband as soon as he walks in the door (which really sucks for husband), getting one weeknight a week for "errands" (which I'm assuming are personal enjoyment errands, because what could possibly consume 5 hours a week at 10 pm at night that's so urgent?), and the weekends sounds like OP is simply letting her husband catch up on sleep a bit and then the two of them do trading off (between pancake breakfasts etc) until OP goes out at 3pm every day. This is an insane amount of personal time, and it sounds like your husband is the one who must be stretched too thin.

It sounds like OP is not cut out for this and should probably go back to work. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your husband is working his a** off and is super annoyed by the fact that you insisted on staying home, but aren't doing anything of value. If I were your husband, I'd be thinking that my wife isn't contributing anything, bitches and nags to me despite my insane work schedule and decent amount of contributions around the house, and on top of that, we don't even spend time together or enjoy each other - so what's the point of this marriage.