SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

To clarify, taking our son to restaurants became more difficult and unpleasant because when he started walking, he just wanted to walk all the time and no longer was willing to sit in a restaurant high chair, and he cried a lot at restaurants, fussed, etc. So we just stopped going to restaurants and instead get takeout on the weekends if we don't feel like cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

To be fair, some toddlers are easier to run errands with then others. I have had four and one at that age was a total PITA, loathed strollers and shopping carts, wanted to walk, etc. But OP has a lot of time to run errands solo. I think they have a very odd family dynamic. No one seems to want to be with each other.

OP here. Why do you think our family dynamic is odd? I don't get that. The issue is that with husband working 2 weekends per month (traveling for work), we only have 2 weekends for "family time." In the warmer months there are more things we enjoy doing together--parks, festivals, fairs, day trips, etc. but in the winter months I really can't think of anything that we could do that would be "family time." My husband likes to have father-son time alone with our son since he barely sees him during the week, so they go to different activities together on the weekends in the morning. I don't really see what the point is of me tagging along to these since I do them all week long, you know--playgroup, gym class, etc. We don't have any local family to visit, which could be a good family time activity. We used to take our son out to restaurants until the last few months, when that became a lot more difficult and unpleasant, so we don't go out to restaurants as a family anymore. So I guess I don't really have any ideas on what could be family time with a toddler in the winter months. Toddler is 14 months.

How is your husband taking your toddler on father-son outings on weekend mornings when he's sleeping in both mornings and you're on child care duty until 3pm?

[Anonymous]

OP I agree it is exhausting to take a toddler to gym class! And I am in pretty good shape. But there's something about the running, lifting, redirecting, rinse, lather, repeat, over, and over, and over, that takes it out of me. So you're not alone. And if you have the option to do errands without your toddler, of course it is easier, smoother, and more pleasant. A few hours at Target by myself is better than a spa day.

I agree with PPs that both you and DH seem to get plenty of alone time, but that you guys seem to get very little family and couple time. But what concerned me most about your post, frankly, is the extent to which both you and your DH seem to be "keeping score." The thing about marriage is that it's never going to be equal. It only works well if you are both flexible and if you both keep the other person's needs in mind as well as your own. If your DH feels he needs more alone time, find out what he means by that. When does he want it? Is he proposing that you take on solo childcare for even more time than you already do? Or is he just not that into spending so much time alone with a toddler? What if instead of splitting up the weekends, he "sleeps in" until 10 a.m. and then from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., you guys hang out all together, including during naptime? THat sounds like so much more fun. It doesn' thave to be the same every weekend day. Mix it up, try different things, see how it goes.

I also think if your DH is really sleeping in until 3 p.m. on weekends, even with his work schedule, that is not healthy. He is either depressed, hungover, physically ill, or hiding out. None of those things are good. Talk to him from a place of genuine concern and find out what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Before my son started preschool last fall, we had a nanny come in three mornings a week, 15 hours total. It was a lifesaver. I did errands, medical appointments, things that needed to get done during that time. She build a relationship with my son and once a month would watch him on a weeknight so we could go out. It wasn't cheap but seriously the best money we ever spent...she was amazing.

Along with that, I'd recommend getting cleaners. Every other week is usually not too expensive. Then you only have to think about keeping tidy in between visits.

What I've found is that raising a toddler isn't a contest. If my H and I were comparing time spent with the kid all the time, that would I think drive us apart rather than together. There's no score to keep and that's kind of what it sounds like here. When we need time we talk about it and figure things out.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to an 8 month old. I get hardly any time to myself. My son only naps for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, so I dont get much done during the day. Once he goes to bed at 7, I cleaning up and cook.

On the weekends my husband will sometimes watch him for an hour or two so that I can catch up on sleep.

About once a month I get to leave the house by myself. I usually treat myself with a run to Starbucks or a quick pedicure.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a dick. My husband gets none of that. ALL his free time goes to watching the baby so that I can maintain some sanity.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever get to sleep in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree it is exhausting to take a toddler to gym class! And I am in pretty good shape. But there's something about the running, lifting, redirecting, rinse, lather, repeat, over, and over, and over, that takes it out of me. So you're not alone. And if you have the option to do errands without your toddler, of course it is easier, smoother, and more pleasant. A few hours at Target by myself is better than a spa day.

I agree with PPs that both you and DH seem to get plenty of alone time, but that you guys seem to get very little family and couple time. But what concerned me most about your post, frankly, is the extent to which both you and your DH seem to be "keeping score." The thing about marriage is that it's never going to be equal. It only works well if you are both flexible and if you both keep the other person's needs in mind as well as your own. If your DH feels he needs more alone time, find out what he means by that. When does he want it? Is he proposing that you take on solo childcare for even more time than you already do? Or is he just not that into spending so much time alone with a toddler? What if instead of splitting up the weekends, he "sleeps in" until 10 a.m. and then from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., you guys hang out all together, including during naptime? THat sounds like so much more fun. It doesn' thave to be the same every weekend day. Mix it up, try different things, see how it goes.

I also think if your DH is really sleeping in until 3 p.m. on weekends, even with his work schedule, that is not healthy. He is either depressed, hungover, physically ill, or hiding out. None of those things are good. Talk to him from a place of genuine concern and find out what's going on.

OP here. Thank you for your kind post. I agree, taking a toddler to gym class (especially a young toddler who loves to run) is tiring. It's especially tiring if you are tall and are hunched over most of the time, running after your toddler. My back is a mess after these classes. Also, my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds. He is a big boy. So its all the lifting, bending and carrying that tires me out.

Anyhow, no my husband isn't sleeping in until 3 pm. He sleeps in until 10 am and then has his own alone time after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

LOL! Your medal is in the mail.

Hahha thanks.. I'm male so I think we also get more attention as not too many fathers out on the afternoons running errands. I work full-time, just with a flexible schedule so I split my work-day so I get afternoons with DD.

[Anonymous]

OP your situation sounds a little like my old one.
what about a Gymboree/My Gym/Little Gym type class for DH and DS on Saturday mornings. Good bonding time for the two and you get some rest. Our Saturday "gym" class is 90% fathers. Also, make your life easier. Disposable cups, plates, etc. whenever you are feeling super tired.
What time does DS sleep? If it's late, move it up so you both get more free time.
If you don't have amazon prime, get it and order everything there. Then you don't have to go to the store as often.
Are you in playgroups or do you have playdates? Those help big time.
Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

I'm sorry but what the hell does scratch made (except for the crust) mean? Did you make the sauce and cheese? You're kidding yourself if you think this is homemade pizza, get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

I'm sorry but what the hell does scratch made (except for the crust) mean? Did you make the sauce and cheese? You're kidding yourself if you think this is homemade pizza, get over yourself.

Lol! I thought the same thing!

[Anonymous]

OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn't an immediate solution but what about looking for a co-op or toddler class where your son can go say two mornings a week. He will get social interaction and you will have some time to yourself or to do housework etc. this break might make you feel more able to give your husband a break that he feels he needs in the evenings. I think those start around 18 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why it's so hard to do errands with toddler. Our DD is now 22 months, but I've been taking her on errands since she was 3 months old, every afternoon. The people at the bank, post office, and Giant know her pretty well by now. Today we went to CVS to get some stuff while walking around and looking at things, then off to Giant where she helped pick what to make for dinner (pizza.. but scratch-made except the crust). If she's going to be fussy, we go to the salad bar and I let her munch on a cucumber slice while we shop.

Good. Teach her that theft doesn't matter if it's small, right?