SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He wants his alone time starting at 6 pm, or after your child goes to bed at 7:30?

No, the man actually jumps in and does bed/bath. He's on the second he walks in the door. Honestly, OP. Do you want to be a single parent? Keep bean counting.

OP here. Right but if he didn't take over childcare when he walks in the door, he would not really see our child at all during the workweek. He does want to see our child during the workweek. I'm not sure what a better way would be. Have his alone time from 6-7 pm and do the bedtime routine only, seeing our child for 30 minutes a day a few days per week (he comes home after bedtime several days a week). Husband gets his alone time from 7:30-9:30 and he goes to bed at 9:30 pm. He is not doing chores during that time. He usually watches TV and read journal articles for work.

[Anonymous]

OP - I don't have kids and would still balk if my husband wanted "alone time" until 3 each weekend. That's when you do things as a family, even just errands or walking around the park. Everyone needs some time to themselves but there's a serious problem if he needs that much.

Could he be more engaged in the morning / early afternoon if he could nap during the afternoon with your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He wants his alone time starting at 6 pm, or after your child goes to bed at 7:30?

No, the man actually jumps in and does bed/bath. He's on the second he walks in the door. Honestly, OP. Do you want to be a single parent? Keep bean counting.

OP here. Right but if he didn't take over childcare when he walks in the door, he would not really see our child at all during the workweek. He does want to see our child during the workweek. I'm not sure what a better way would be. Have his alone time from 6-7 pm and do the bedtime routine only, seeing our child for 30 minutes a day a few days per week (he comes home after bedtime several days a week). Husband gets his alone time from 7:30-9:30 and he goes to bed at 9:30 pm. He is not doing chores during that time. He usually watches TV and read journal articles for work.

It's possible for him to see his child without completely taking over childcare. He can just be hang out, eat dinner, talk with his son and then relax. That's probably what he wants during the week.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, he doesn't need to take over childcare to see his child during the week. You can all have dinner together, then one of you give bath while the other does dishes, then you all hang out together until bedtime. You know, like a family.

[Anonymous]

BTW, I think you both seem to expect way more alone time than is reasonably feasible with children.

And take your kid with you on errands. Good God, if I didn't have errands I don't know how I would pass the time during the day. That is why you are so tired, trying to think of something to entertain your kid during the long, dragging hours of nothingness at home. Fill that with errands and boom, then you can have freedom once your kid is in bed.

Laundry takes half an hour with a kid in tow? Eureka! You've managed to pass half an hour of your day and accomplish something to boot! Viva laundry!

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how people live like this. That's not a family. It's a man being used for a paycheck, a single parent, and a marriage that will collapse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW, I think you both seem to expect way more alone time than is reasonably feasible with children.

And take your kid with you on errands. Good God, if I didn't have errands I don't know how I would pass the time during the day. That is why you are so tired, trying to think of something to entertain your kid during the long, dragging hours of nothingness at home. Fill that with errands and boom, then you can have freedom once your kid is in bed.

Laundry takes half an hour with a kid in tow? Eureka! You've managed to pass half an hour of your day and accomplish something to boot! Viva laundry!

OP here. Yes, it can be a challenge to fill all those long hours. I play with our son in the playroom for about 6 hours per day. Yes it is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how people live like this. That's not a family. It's a man being used for a paycheck, a single parent, and a marriage that will collapse.

How do you propose we change things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how people live like this. That's not a family. It's a man being used for a paycheck, a single parent, and a marriage that will collapse.

How do you propose we change things?

I don't think it's that dire. Honestly, it sounds like you have a pretty nice life. And, I'm not saying that in a sarcastic way.

My impression, based on your posts, is that you are trying to be a good mother, and maybe are overdoing it a bit with the constant doting on your son. I don't think it's necessary to entertain your child for 6 hours per day. You might try to gradually encourage him to entertain himself a bit to give you some breathing room and time to get things done around the house. That way you don't have to do it when your husband gets home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, I think you both seem to expect way more alone time than is reasonably feasible with children.

And take your kid with you on errands. Good God, if I didn't have errands I don't know how I would pass the time during the day. That is why you are so tired, trying to think of something to entertain your kid during the long, dragging hours of nothingness at home. Fill that with errands and boom, then you can have freedom once your kid is in bed.

Laundry takes half an hour with a kid in tow? Eureka! You've managed to pass half an hour of your day and accomplish something to boot! Viva laundry!

OP here. Yes, it can be a challenge to fill all those long hours. I play with our son in the playroom for about 6 hours per day. Yes it is a lot.

I think that is crazy. Just start taking him on errands. If he screams, he screams. You can leave and try again another day. But I definitely wouldn't let that hold me back. The days are so long when we don't do anything other than kid stuff. And then maybe you can spend some time with your husband after he is in bed.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread makes me feel sorry for the kid. Its like no one really wants to be around him, its all about the parents having 'alone' time to do what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread makes me feel sorry for the kid. Its like no one really wants to be around him, its all about the parents having 'alone' time to do what they want.

I don't get that impression at all. It sounds like the OP is basically doting over her son, to the point where she can't get anything else done.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm interested to know how much alone time other SAHMs and their spouses get per day and per week, as well as how much family time.

If I calculated ours it would be: me (5 hours per day but this includes daily chores because I do them all during my alone time); spouse (2-3 but he also does sports 2 evenings per week that is not included in this amount); family time (1 hour per day weekdays, weekends varies).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm interested to know how much alone time other SAHMs and their spouses get per day and per week, as well as how much family time.

If I calculated ours it would be: me (5 hours per day but this includes daily chores because I do them all during my alone time); spouse (2-3 but he also does sports 2 evenings per week that is not included in this amount); family time (1 hour per day weekdays, weekends varies).

I have 3 kids and don't work. Husband works a demanding job. I usually get an hour to myself during the day (when older kids are at school and the baby is napping). I usually fold laundry, empty the dishwasher, etc during that time and then sit for a few minutes and either drink a cup of coffee or eat something. When my husband gets home, we eat dinner together. Some nights he isn't home until after dinner. In either case, he jumps right in and helps with kid stuff and getting them to bed (he usually takes the older ones and I take the baby). I usually get an hour or two before bed after the kids are asleep. Baby wakes up about half of the nights and I handle those wake ups.

On weekends, we each usually have one thing we need/want to do by ourselves (hair cut, nails for me, tennis for him). So we each usually get 2-3 hrs/weekend of real alone time. The rest of the time is usually family time. Sometimes we divide and conquer if the kids have to be in different places, but we try to do most things as a family. Maybe once a month or so we have a babysitter so we can go out/socialize with other couples.

[Anonymous]

I've only read the first few pages, so my apologies if I've missed something important.

My impression is that both you and your DH have not fully adjusted your expectations about how much alone time a parent of a toddler can reasonably get. And you are bean counting, and that's never good. It means you each are looking out for yourselves first and not giving much weight to your spouse's well being or needs. Who knows what came first, the bean counting or the disregard of each other's needs, but you're in this rut and you need to break out of it or your marriage is at risk.

I think a reevaluation of what is best for your family may be in order, in terms of your respective roles. Is being a SAHM working well for your family? Is DH's job/long hours and travel providing enough positives to the family to make it worth the negatives?

I was a SAHM for a couple of years, and when my DD was your son's age I felt a lot like you describe. Drained, worn out, and in desperate need of quiet alone time. Ultimately I decided that SAH was not for me and went back to work, and it is so much better now. Sometimes work is my alone time!

I don't mean to suggest this is the answer for you, just that you consider other options.

For finding a weekend sitter, try your neighborhood list serve. You can probably find a teenager who could use the extra money and has the energy to keep up with a toddler. And I suggest using that time with your DH working on repairing your relationship. House projects can wait, or you can hire someone for them. Right now I would prioritize getting your family to a happy and functional place. Which I think also means family outings, all three of you. They don't have to be long or elaborate or fancy. But spending time together as a family is a great bonding experience for all of you.