SAHMs: how do you balance time alone versus spouse's time alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw turned SAHM here. But the point is that this is a choice. I remember getting breaks. I also remember getting told I needed to drop what I was doing, cancel plans, and put everything toward a client issue.

I actually enjoy being a SAHM. I just think it's not a good fit for someone who can't multi-task, and who struggles with the day to day drudgery. Yes, it's fun. Yes, even I take naps sometimes. But I still deal with the regular stuff, cleaning, laundry, meal prep, and keeping my kids alive. Because I can juggle. Those who can't aren't served by being home.

OP, you get you time. Your kid naps. Your DH takes the kid on the weekends for outings without you. You volunteer and have a sitter come. I just don't get what you want short of basically having your kid in someone else's care, which means you may need to find a job.

OP here. I don't volunteer and have a sitter come. That was someone else. We are currently looking for a part-time babysitter to come two per week, including one weekend day, for a few hours. We have never had childcare help so far.

[Anonymous]

I'd find activities much closer to home. I live in the suburbs too and when my kids were under 3, we did activities within a 10 minute drive, max. When you say suburbs, are you really in an exurb or rural area? Church is a 30 minute drive?

Why did you decide to SAH in the first place, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd find activities much closer to home. I live in the suburbs too and when my kids were under 3, we did activities within a 10 minute drive, max. When you say suburbs, are you really in an exurb or rural area? Church is a 30 minute drive?

Why did you decide to SAH in the first place, OP?

OP here. I've looked for closer activities and there really aren't many. All the good activities seem to be farther away. Which is fine, I don't mind and that's not the issue here anyway. The issue is how can I get my husband more free time.

Why did I decide to stay at home in the first place? So many reasons. In no particular order: a) My husband works very long hours plus the weekend work so he is not home much, and my last job required 3 evening hours per week when I would get home at 9 pm. Too stressful for me to keep that job with husband's hours; b) I never really liked any of the jobs I have had; c) My salary would have covered daycare or a nanny with little left over; d) I didn't want my child in daycare because I didn't want to be sick all the time or have my child be sick all the time since husband cannot take sick days easily and we have no local family for backup; e) I thought I would enjoy being a SAHM (which I do) and that it would suit me better than my career; f) thinking ahead to when our child is in full-time school I did not want the stress of finding summer care every summer since my job only gave me 2 weeks of vacation per year and husband cannot take vacation easily; g) I did not want to deal with caregiver stress--worrying about my child in daycare or with a nanny, and my husband has such a stressful job that I did not want him to be stressed about this; h) My husband is in a very family unfriendly job and cannot take days off for snow days/sick days, etc. and with no local family it would be too hard to always be finding backup babysitters for these days, and j) I felt that for the first year, at least, there were many benefits for my child of my staying home. Now, however, I think he could really benefit from the socialization of a part-time daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

Why do you choose to allow those classes and activities to take up that much of your time?

OP here. I really enjoy the classes and I love socializing with other moms. We do a variety of morning activities--one day is playgroup, one day is gym class, and three days usually are the church Mommy and Me classes. Playgroup usually runs for 2 hours. We live in the suburbs so there is a significant drive to most of these things--at least 30 mintues each way. Like I mentioned before, with breakfast and the drive, then yes our mornings are pretty full.

This sounds nice, but you have to admit that a lot of your lack of time is a direct result of some of these relatively discretionary activities that you are doing. I don't think that there is anything wrong with doing them, but I can also see why your husband might be feeling a bit stressed and unable to understand why you can't give him a little time to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

Why do you choose to allow those classes and activities to take up that much of your time?

OP here. I really enjoy the classes and I love socializing with other moms. We do a variety of morning activities--one day is playgroup, one day is gym class, and three days usually are the church Mommy and Me classes. Playgroup usually runs for 2 hours. We live in the suburbs so there is a significant drive to most of these things--at least 30 mintues each way. Like I mentioned before, with breakfast and the drive, then yes our mornings are pretty full.

This sounds nice, but you have to admit that a lot of your lack of time is a direct result of some of these relatively discretionary activities that you are doing. I don't think that there is anything wrong with doing them, but I can also see why your husband might be feeling a bit stressed and unable to understand why you can't give him a little time to himself.

OP here. I don't understand your comment. How do my activities that I take my toddler to impacting my husband's lack of alone time? I am in charge of childcare from 6 am - 6 pm most days, other days longer during late work nights or husband's travel. I need to entertain my toddler for the whole day, other than naptime and mealtimes (well I have to entertain him at mealtimes too otherwise he gets cranky). So I don't see how these activities impact husband's time to himself? If I was staying at home more and going to fewer activities that wouldn't change anything. I need these activities so I can socialize with other moms, and my toddler loves to run around and have fun at these activities. My toddler takes a two hour nap per day regardless if we stay home all day or go out.

[Anonymous]

OP - does your husband want his alone time on weeknights or on weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - does your husband want his alone time on weeknights or on weekends?

OP here. He said both. Right now he arrives home at 6 pm on average on weekdays. Twice a week he comes home later (after bedtime). Our child's bedtime is 7:30 pm.

[Anonymous]

I thought I would enjoy being a SAHM (which I do) and that it would suit me better than my career

This is just not true. You are in denial about this because if you were happy being a SAHM with all of its drawbacks you wouldn't be bean counting time off with your DH and playing hot potato with you toddler. I call BS on this.

I do think you probably found working hard (it is) and thought being home would be much, much easier (it isn't). You need to make peace with your life. If I was your DH, working ungodly hours to support you only to deal with a bean counting, wife who needs time off, I would be annoyed. And I say this as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also find it sad that you and your husband are treating your toddler like a hot potato. There are simple things that you can do as a family. For example, on Saturday morning have a pancake breakfast together. I can tell you that my toddler is happiest when she, DH, and I are all together and DH and I also enjoy this time. I think you guys may want to seriously consider not having more children. I am not saying this to be mean or harsh but I'm not sure how your marriage can survive this for too long. It sounds like you are coworkers managing a task.

This. It is not going to be equal, and your keeping score is making this so much worse. Honestly, and I say this as a WOHM who would love to SAH - I think you should get a part time job. I am not looking for a medal, at all, but I have an insane three year old and a one year old, I work part time, and when I am home, I do an activity in the morning, clean, laundry, make dinner, shop, etc. You just have to jump in and get it done. There is a learning curve, and sometimes it is indeed a disaster, but you ride it out, right? Honestly, bottom line, you don't sound like you are coping, at all. And I feel like your kid cannot be enjoying feeling like such a liability. Get a part time job, get a sitter, and get some time away built into your schedule, stop keeping score, and honestly, just grow up a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also, to clarify, the housework all gets done, but I often don't do it during the day because I use my son's one 2 hour nap per day to either nap myself if I'm tired from the morning's activity, or do my own projects. After my husband gets home from work (6 pm), he takes over childcare until bedtime (7:30 pm) and that's when I get most of the housework done, and after bedtime as well. I love to clean and do housework so I consider this part of my alone time.

The kitchen/dishes I clean while my toddler is finishing lunch. But I don't really get a chance to get laundry done or tidy/straighten until I have a period of time to myself. I don't really see how anyone can get a lot of housework done while taking care of a young toddler at the same time. We are out all morning at various activities, come home and I feed him lunch, then naptime, and then I have the afternoon and that entire time is devoted to entertaining my son. Also, after the morning's activity (gym class or playgroup or whatever) I don't feel like going out again in the afternoon to do errands. This is mainly because of the wear and tear on my back from the repetitive lifting and carrying (my 14 month old weighs over 30 pounds and it is very hard on my back when we are out).

What activities are you doing with your child that take all morning? Mommy and me classes are typically no more than 45 minutes at that age. Also, you don't have to entertain your toddler every minute he's awake. It's good for him to learn to entertain himself a bit. Set up a toddler-proofed place in the house where he can play with some toys and it's easy for you to keep an eye on him, and get your chores done.

OP here. The classes/activities we do are 1.5 hours usually, plus 30 minutes to get there each way (we live in the suburbs). With feeding breakfast before the class and the commute, then yes, all that does take all morning.

Why do you choose to allow those classes and activities to take up that much of your time?

OP here. I really enjoy the classes and I love socializing with other moms. We do a variety of morning activities--one day is playgroup, one day is gym class, and three days usually are the church Mommy and Me classes. Playgroup usually runs for 2 hours. We live in the suburbs so there is a significant drive to most of these things--at least 30 mintues each way. Like I mentioned before, with breakfast and the drive, then yes our mornings are pretty full.

This sounds nice, but you have to admit that a lot of your lack of time is a direct result of some of these relatively discretionary activities that you are doing. I don't think that there is anything wrong with doing them, but I can also see why your husband might be feeling a bit stressed and unable to understand why you can't give him a little time to himself.

OP here. I don't understand your comment. How do my activities that I take my toddler to impacting my husband's lack of alone time? I am in charge of childcare from 6 am - 6 pm most days, other days longer during late work nights or husband's travel. I need to entertain my toddler for the whole day, other than naptime and mealtimes (well I have to entertain him at mealtimes too otherwise he gets cranky). So I don't see how these activities impact husband's time to himself? If I was staying at home more and going to fewer activities that wouldn't change anything. I need these activities so I can socialize with other moms, and my toddler loves to run around and have fun at these activities. My toddler takes a two hour nap per day regardless if we stay home all day or go out.

Here are a couple of quotes from your first post:

1. "My toddler takes a two hour nap per day regardless if we stay home all day or go out. "

2. "During that time that husband is watching our son, I usually do household chores (since I can't get much done during the day)."

2. "My husband works 60-70 hour weeks plus 2-3 weekends per month. "


Here are my thoughts:

1 & 2. I think you could get those household chores done during the day. What is going on during these 2 hour naps?

3. These are long, hard hours. If your husband is really working this much, you really need to be as supportive as possible. Your daily schedule, as you have described, sounds relatively leisurely compared to his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - does your husband want his alone time on weeknights or on weekends?

OP here. He said both. Right now he arrives home at 6 pm on average on weekdays. Twice a week he comes home later (after bedtime). Our child's bedtime is 7:30 pm.

He wants his alone time starting at 6 pm, or after your child goes to bed at 7:30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - does your husband want his alone time on weeknights or on weekends?

OP here. He said both. Right now he arrives home at 6 pm on average on weekdays. Twice a week he comes home later (after bedtime). Our child's bedtime is 7:30 pm.

Did your DH want children?

[Anonymous]

He wants his alone time starting at 6 pm, or after your child goes to bed at 7:30?

No, the man actually jumps in and does bed/bath. He's on the second he walks in the door. Honestly, OP. Do you want to be a single parent? Keep bean counting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He wants his alone time starting at 6 pm, or after your child goes to bed at 7:30?

No, the man actually jumps in and does bed/bath. He's on the second he walks in the door. Honestly, OP. Do you want to be a single parent? Keep bean counting.

I don't understand. Don't both OP and the husband get alone time after 7:30 on weeknights?

[Anonymous]

OP, if your DH was working a 9-5 job and had a reasonable amount of free time, it would be fair to ask him to help out with the childcare a bit.

But it sounds like he does quite a bit more than that. I really think you should respect this and try to give him the "me time" that he needs, especially consider that you are a full-time SAHM.

I don't mean to be overly critical, but it just sounds like you could learn to multitask and get things done a bit more efficiently than you do.