Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

Yes. This is the sign that your parents are aging. Get ready.
You don’t expect your young children to ask about your life - it’s like that. You are coming into the stage where you are the caregiver & they are the one care is centered around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

You’re missing the point, PP.

ILs who behave like this are truly self-focused and uncaring. I said it’s isolating. Part of being in any relationship is establishing some level of connection and bonus if you can find something in common.

Very telling that my colleagues of five years know more about me than my own local ILs.

I am a kind, gregarious, warm and engaging person in a social services field. It’s literally my job to be helpful, patient and an active listener. Proud to say that I have a gift for developing a rapport with even the most challenging personalities who tend to open up to me and tell me their life stories. So I’m that person. I have lifelong friendships.

But around my ILs, I’m reduced to a woman of very few words - a shell of myself. They do all the talking and none of the listening. They have zero tolerance for basic two way conversations and certainly not for “stories” or even idle chit chat.

[Anonymous]

It’s shocking how many people normalize dysfunctional behavior. Ya’ll can stay in your sad, non reciprocal relationships that you're desperately pushing onto others. Some of us don’t want that!

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to want a healthier, more balanced relationship. Sometimes we do need to accept that the person we are seeking it from can’t give that. Then what do you want to do with that information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

You’re missing the point, PP.

ILs who behave like this are truly self-focused and uncaring. I said it’s isolating. Part of being in any relationship is establishing some level of connection and bonus if you can find something in common.

Very telling that my colleagues of five years know more about me than my own local ILs.

I am a kind, gregarious, warm and engaging person in a social services field. It’s literally my job to be helpful, patient and an active listener. Proud to say that I have a gift for developing a rapport with even the most challenging personalities who tend to open up to me and tell me their life stories. So I’m that person. I have lifelong friendships.

But around my ILs, I’m reduced to a woman of very few words - a shell of myself. They do all the talking and none of the listening. They have zero tolerance for basic two way conversations and certainly not for “stories” or even idle chit chat.

The point SHOULD be that this kind of behavior is NOT age-based nor limited to those who are parents. That's the problem with stereotyping.

We have a younger family member who is in their 30s and has never, not once, asked my DH or I anything about our lives. It's been this way for years. We thought it was something the person would outgrow but the self-absorption needle has never moved, despite their own marriage and kids.

When we visit we ask them about their work, activities, friends, children, health issues, extended family members, household repairs/updates, even pets ... and we get long monologues in response to those questions.

Yet we are never asked about those same topics and in fact, are never asked anything. It is completely a one-sided conversation and has been this way since this person was a young teen. At that time, we thought it was a typical teen phase and believed it would wane upon maturity. It hasn't.

Last time we visited they didn't even ask about my DH's recent surgery and they themselves are in the health care industry. You think they'd at least have shown a bit of empathy and asked how he was doing. Same with deaths in my family - not a word of condolence, not a single question nor any signs empathy.

That's behavior coming from someone in their 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to want a healthier, more balanced relationship. Sometimes we do need to accept that the person we are seeking it from can’t give that. Then what do you want to do with that information?

PP it’s a tough realization but people are t goi g to change when this is enmeshed in their personalities and lives.

What do we do? We limit our interactions with them. We go no contact. We do not host them in our homes. We go Gray Rock. We don’t visit or call just because. We do not buy them presents or cards. We have stultifyingly boring and banal “conversations” with them. We practice, “don’t ask, don’t tell” to match their expectations. We nod and smile to be polite. We “go to the bathroom” a lot to avoid boredom and having g to sit through the same few stories they’ve told for decades. We strategically avoid be alone with them because that’s when the inappropriate and personal questions or weird comments happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. This is the sign that your parents are aging. Get ready.
You don’t expect your young children to ask about your life - it’s like that. You are coming into the stage where you are the caregiver & they are the one care is centered around.

Respectfully disagree as a DW of 30 years. ILs have been this way the entire time-known them since they were in their late 40s!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

WOW - and the older parents have entered the conversation. Way to completely miss the point. What you should be hearing is that lots of people have a similar experience with their older relatives not being interested in their lives. It's not always about wanting to talk about your problems to your parents?!. It is often just wanting to be included in the conversation or sharing wins or accomplishment of the grandchildren, etc. The reverse of what you claim is also true, they might not feel as if they have agency in your life, but similarly I have ZERO agency or interest in hearing about their neighbors kids medical problems, or the lady at her church's son who recently lost his job and yet she will talk about it ad naseum, along with every ache, pain, and medical issue they and every one of their friends have. It's a 2 way street, that's all the OP is saying and you arent' getting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

WOW - and the older parents have entered the conversation. Way to completely miss the point. What you should be hearing is that lots of people have a similar experience with their older relatives not being interested in their lives. It's not always about wanting to talk about your problems to your parents?!. It is often just wanting to be included in the conversation or sharing wins or accomplishment of the grandchildren, etc. The reverse of what you claim is also true, they might not feel as if they have agency in your life, but similarly I have ZERO agency or interest in hearing about their neighbors kids medical problems, or the lady at her church's son who recently lost his job and yet she will talk about it ad naseum, along with every ache, pain, and medical issue they and every one of their friends have. It's a 2 way street, that's all the OP is saying and you arent' getting it.

OP here, yes, thank you! I have no desire to talk to my parents about my problems because I will just get unsolicited advice. Just simple conversation about work/life/kids that's a back and forth, 2 way street conversation. I can't get a word in edge-wise. And it's the same conversation over and over and a lot of gossip about people I've never met. I could map out the family tree of her former coworkers, but she couldn't tell you the name of my business partner of a decade with a gun put to her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

Op here. I mean, if you had a friend like this, you probably wouldn't still be friends with them. In fact, I DID have a friend like that. Always all about her and zero back and forth, needless to say, we are no longer friends. It's a little harder when it's your parents.

[Anonymous]

I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

[Anonymous]

There are various situations that people are complaining about here.
On one side I have a MIL and her daughter who simply don't care to build a relationship with me OR the kids. They don't ask me or the kids questions. If we talk about ourselves and then ask them questions, they answer them quickly and don't continue the conversation. They don't make invitations though they will come if invited. When invited, they don't act like they are enjoying themselves. All they do is give the kids gifts of toys and candy. These people are self-absorbed because I'm sure they don't even realize they are doing this. It comes from a place of discomfort.
On the other side is Mom who drags every conversation back to what she wants to talk about. How many times have I interrupted a 15 minutes anecdote about "a lady in her exercise class." This comes from a place of EXTREME comfort. My mom is so confident in our relationship that she can blab away about her dreams, endless stories from her youth, and gossip about people I've never met without once thinking "I wonder if I'm being a bore?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

OP here. Yes, completely. However, my mom will come to my DC's events... BUT she wants to have full blown conversations about what's going on in her life while I'm trying to tend to or watch my child. She barely acknowledges my DC. She usually gets mad at DC for DC not seemingly being excited enough to see her. That and she loves to loudly make fun of others - other grandparents, other children in the activity - or complain about... well, anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

OP here. Yes, completely. However, my mom will come to my DC's events... BUT she wants to have full blown conversations about what's going on in her life while I'm trying to tend to or watch my child. She barely acknowledges my DC. She usually gets mad at DC for DC not seemingly being excited enough to see her. That and she loves to loudly make fun of others - other grandparents, other children in the activity - or complain about... well, anything.

Ha-ha. Then your mom takes it a notch further and considers showing up to events as a way to pay homage to her. Yes, everybody has to be excited to see them and talk to them.

I really think these people don't understand that others have agency. Like the PP who was going on and on that parents (I suppose she was talking about herself) are not interested in their adult children's lives because they (parents) have no agency. They don't understand that an adult has an agency only over their own life, and this is normal. Parents don't control or decide for their adult children. They don't understand that all social interactions between adults are based between people who make their own decisions and share information based on that. They seem to lack basic understanding of how relationships between adults work. And of course with kids they think that one just orders kids around and the kids have to do whatever they are told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this has nothing to do with age. If one thinks of it, people who behave in this way have always done so. They're usually also people who don't have many friends (if any) and are socially awkward. They don't know how to have a two-way conversation. They usually also never figure out when their kids have grown up, have their own agency, and should be treated as peers rather than a 5-year-old. They talk AT people. They also think that their kids/grandkids HAVE to listen to them, no matter what (anybody unrelated to them has disappeared long ago). For some reason, there are a lot of women like this in our parents generation (boomers). My mom and MIL are like this. When I call my mom, she literally asks me why I'm not more interested in her life -- i.e. gossip about people I don't know. In her ideal, everybody should be interested in her and she should sit like a queen on a throne and be peppered with attention. It doesn't even occur to her to be interested in others. She doesn't know anything about me or my kids, nor my brother or his kids. Never been to any school plays or sports games. I once asked her why she's never been to brother's son's soccer games (he plays at a high level). She was surprised: what would I do there?! I had to chuckle recently when she thought that a "normal" involvement with this same teen was to offer to pay for his driving school so that then he'd be "obliged" (her words) to drive her around. He refused and she cannot understand why.

OP here. Yes, completely. However, my mom will come to my DC's events... BUT she wants to have full blown conversations about what's going on in her life while I'm trying to tend to or watch my child. She barely acknowledges my DC. She usually gets mad at DC for DC not seemingly being excited enough to see her. That and she loves to loudly make fun of others - other grandparents, other children in the activity - or complain about... well, anything.

Ha-ha. Then your mom takes it a notch further and considers showing up to events as a way to pay homage to her. Yes, everybody has to be excited to see them and talk to them.

I really think these people don't understand that others have agency. Like the PP who was going on and on that parents (I suppose she was talking about herself) are not interested in their adult children's lives because they (parents) have no agency. They don't understand that an adult has an agency only over their own life, and this is normal. Parents don't control or decide for their adult children. They don't understand that all social interactions between adults are based between people who make their own decisions and share information based on that. They seem to lack basic understanding of how relationships between adults work. And of course with kids they think that one just orders kids around and the kids have to do whatever they are told.

Yes...and adult children don't control or decide for their parents, and guilt tripping ("but these are YOUR grandchildren!"...no they are YOUR kids, adult child )doesn't change this. Goes both ways