Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. DH, kids and I moved from out of state to a local drive of my parents to be near them, and even with the close proximity and seeing each other regularly, there is very little interest in our and our kids’ lives. Some people become increasingly self-absorbed as they get older. What I’ve noticed talking to friends is that the grandparents who are interested in their kids’ and grandkids’ lives are the ones who were engaged and interested parents. The things you’ve said about your mom make me think she was probably not the most attentive and selfless parent when you were younger, so her behavior is in line with her past self. I know from experience that this realization doesn’t make it better though. I recommend you come to terms with your parents’ lack of interest and think about whether you want this to change your relationship with them.

Another thing I’ll add is that I’ve been very honest with my mom about my feelings about certain of her behaviors (not this one though) and while it may not have led to an aha! Moment on her part, or improved relations between us, it did allow me to justify some of the boundaries I set for her and make my life easier on the margin. So maybe some honesty about your feelings is something you may want to use down the road as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Luckily no, and in your shoes I wouldn't tolerate it. I would distance myself and tell her why. A one-way relationship isn't fulfilling.

This is what I've done. So much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expect nothing. I’ve BTDT. They will not change. Divest yourself of emotional expectation]But also feel free to be a less attentive listener than you would in a more reciprocal arrangement.

What is "emotional expectation"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. DH, kids and I moved from out of state to a local drive of my parents to be near them, and even with the close proximity and seeing each other regularly, there is very little interest in our and our kids’ lives. Some people become increasingly self-absorbed as they get older. What I’ve noticed talking to friends is that the grandparents who are interested in their kids’ and grandkids’ lives are the ones who were engaged and interested parents. The things you’ve said about your mom make me think she was probably not the most attentive and selfless parent when you were younger, so her behavior is in line with her past self. I know from experience that this realization doesn’t make it better though. I recommend you come to terms with your parents’ lack of interest and think about whether you want this to change your relationship with them.

Another thing I’ll add is that I’ve been very honest with my mom about my feelings about certain of her behaviors (not this one though) and while it may not have led to an aha! Moment on her part, or improved relations between us, it did allow me to justify some of the boundaries I set for her and make my life easier on the margin. So maybe some honesty about your feelings is something you may want to use down the road as well.

Being a scoffer is not endearing. The Bible tells us to flee from.scoffers, see psalms 1. Telling someone they are terrible is not going to make them want to deal with you on your terms. I don't know why you all think this. What people are going to do is retreat from you to protect their mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. DH, kids and I moved from out of state to a local drive of my parents to be near them, and even with the close proximity and seeing each other regularly, there is very little interest in our and our kids’ lives. Some people become increasingly self-absorbed as they get older. What I’ve noticed talking to friends is that the grandparents who are interested in their kids’ and grandkids’ lives are the ones who were engaged and interested parents. The things you’ve said about your mom make me think she was probably not the most attentive and selfless parent when you were younger, so her behavior is in line with her past self. I know from experience that this realization doesn’t make it better though. I recommend you come to terms with your parents’ lack of interest and think about whether you want this to change your relationship with them.

Another thing I’ll add is that I’ve been very honest with my mom about my feelings about certain of her behaviors (not this one though) and while it may not have led to an aha! Moment on her part, or improved relations between us, it did allow me to justify some of the boundaries I set for her and make my life easier on the margin. So maybe some honesty about your feelings is something you may want to use down the road as well.

Being a scoffer is not endearing. The Bible tells us to flee from.scoffers, see psalms 1. Telling someone they are terrible is not going to make them want to deal with you on your terms. I don't know why you all think this. What people are going to do is retreat from you to protect their mental health.

Fair.
After years of a horrendous relationship with my own mother and with therapy .. I went no contact w her. - year three.
Best choice ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This describes my ILs of decades. Both are incredibly self focused and together they are “politely disinterested” in most everything.

It’s so isolating and as the years go by, awkward. They take a true surface interest in their adult GC but have never seemed the type to ask questions or really engage in meaningful conversation.

I’ve known my ILs for 30 years and while I could complete their family tree and their work and health histories (and remember everything), ILs know very little about me.

Learned after having DC that this is the way they are but still it’s ruined relationships. My oldest DC has limited contact with them due to
rude comments and constant criticism.

This. I’ve known my ILs for twenty years and they couldn’t tell you my sibling’s name, where I was raised, or literally anything about me (though it’s admittedly not a personal thing, they don’t seem interested in much. It wasn’t until I heard the phrase a “flat affect” that I truly understood.)

But it’s isolating. Spending holidays with them makes me kinda depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

Not uncommon for old people to become extremely self-absorbed.

Please stop w this ageism, k thx!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

I'm 8:46 and absolutely agree with this.

Agree. I find it so one-sided when adult kids expect their own partners to be 100% fully accepted and excitedly welcomed by their families of origin.

Yet those same adult kids will be 100% AGAINST any new partner their parent may choose, despite being divorced/widowed for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

I'm 8:46 and absolutely agree with this.

Agree. I find it so one-sided when adult kids expect their own partners to be 100% fully accepted and excitedly welcomed by their families of origin.

Yet those same adult kids will be 100% AGAINST any new partner their parent may choose, despite being divorced/widowed for years.

and the kids would have been offended if the parents said "it is probably a good idea not to marry this guy" or "it is probably best to not have kids yet" or "it is a good idea to have kids now" or "live in this city not that city"--but the parents are supposed to be super intriuged by the adult kids' life choices.

[Anonymous]

So, they have always been like this. They don’t want to be particularly friendly with their kids or grandkids. They are likely from the “seen but not heard” generation. And, they think what they have to say is always of interest.

I have a dad who is similar. While he doesn’t have NPD, he is quite egocentric. He could tell you very little about his kids or grandkids.

On their last phone call, when he was done talking and ready to get off the phone, my sister said “no dad, this is the part of the call where you ask about me and the kids and pretend to be interested.” My sister has coached him for years on this. It doesn’t really change anything other than making her feel like she has been clear on expectations. For me, I gave up on him three decades ago. I’m in the “nod and smile and don’t see him much” camp. It is fine.

At the end of the day, he is who he is. He is actually too caught up in his own insecurities and anxieties. He needs to feel like the star and the hero of every conversation. All of his brain space is caught up in his own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, they have always been like this. They don’t want to be particularly friendly with their kids or grandkids. They are likely from the “seen but not heard” generation. And, they think what they have to say is always of interest.

I have a dad who is similar. While he doesn’t have NPD, he is quite egocentric. He could tell you very little about his kids or grandkids.

On their last phone call, when he was done talking and ready to get off the phone, my sister said “no dad, this is the part of the call where you ask about me and the kids and pretend to be interested.” My sister has coached him for years on this. It doesn’t really change anything other than making her feel like she has been clear on expectations. For me, I gave up on him three decades ago. I’m in the “nod and smile and don’t see him much” camp. It is fine.

At the end of the day, he is who he is. He is actually too caught up in his own insecurities and anxieties. He needs to feel like the star and the hero of every conversation. All of his brain space is caught up in his own issues.

+100. This describes my 82 year old father as well. He's never been able to really empathize with his kids b/c of his own childhood traumas. He constantly lectures me that I do too much for my elementary aged kids and would rather I focus any of my limited time (work FT as an attorney) on him. He definitely doesn't believe in engaging in two way conversations with kids or grandkids. It's really exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, they have always been like this. They don’t want to be particularly friendly with their kids or grandkids. They are likely from the “seen but not heard” generation. And, they think what they have to say is always of interest.

I have a dad who is similar. While he doesn’t have NPD, he is quite egocentric. He could tell you very little about his kids or grandkids.

On their last phone call, when he was done talking and ready to get off the phone, my sister said “no dad, this is the part of the call where you ask about me and the kids and pretend to be interested.” My sister has coached him for years on this. It doesn’t really change anything other than making her feel like she has been clear on expectations. For me, I gave up on him three decades ago. I’m in the “nod and smile and don’t see him much” camp. It is fine.

At the end of the day, he is who he is. He is actually too caught up in his own insecurities and anxieties. He needs to feel like the star and the hero of every conversation. All of his brain space is caught up in his own issues.

Yes, this doesn't work.
Just go see grandpa. Hence the tale "over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go" not the other way around. When most of us were young we would go visit grandparents and just sit with them or tag along with what they were doing or just hang out with cousins and grandparents were in general vicinity telling us to keep it down every once in a while--you are asking for something unnatural from old folks, and you can't force it.
Virtually grabbing someone's arm and talking them listen to me is selfish and attention seeking in the worst way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. DH, kids and I moved from out of state to a local drive of my parents to be near them, and even with the close proximity and seeing each other regularly, there is very little interest in our and our kids’ lives. Some people become increasingly self-absorbed as they get older. What I’ve noticed talking to friends is that the grandparents who are interested in their kids’ and grandkids’ lives are the ones who were engaged and interested parents. The things you’ve said about your mom make me think she was probably not the most attentive and selfless parent when you were younger, so her behavior is in line with her past self. I know from experience that this realization doesn’t make it better though. I recommend you come to terms with your parents’ lack of interest and think about whether you want this to change your relationship with them.

Another thing I’ll add is that I’ve been very honest with my mom about my feelings about certain of her behaviors (not this one though) and while it may not have led to an aha! Moment on her part, or improved relations between us, it did allow me to justify some of the boundaries I set for her and make my life easier on the margin. So maybe some honesty about your feelings is something you may want to use down the road as well.

Being a scoffer is not endearing. The Bible tells us to flee from.scoffers, see psalms 1. Telling someone they are terrible is not going to make them want to deal with you on your terms. I don't know why you all think this. What people are going to do is retreat from you to protect their mental health.

I’m the PP you quoted. My parents and I have generally had the dynamic of them being very demanding and inconsiderate and unappreciative about my helping them while at the same time not showing me much care or concern nor ever wanting to help me. I’ve recently had some health problems and I basically told them (mom, in particular) that they need to BACK OFF because for once in my life, I needed to focus on myself and my health. I did not criticize her or her behavior so much as told her the impact her behavior had on me, i.e., stressing me out at a time I needed to reduce stress. She never responded, but her demands have stopped.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never seen so many people look for the most minute reason to complain about their parents or ILs.

My parents don’t ask about my life wah wah wah, I can’t tolerate this, they are terrible humans!! 🙄

What's the point of the relationship if not to be close with someone and share life with? I agree on not cutting tied but it's silly when parents aren't able to have an adult relationship with their child and the other way round. Would you say the same about two friends? This is basic stuff of friendship.