Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

OP here. Ummmm, ok. This is weird. I did actually move back to where they are. But I refuse to believe you stop being interested in your own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

OP here. Ummmm, ok. This is weird. I did actually move back to where they are. But I refuse to believe you stop being interested in your own children.

Ok I can call what you say weird but then it becomes "I know you are but what am I"-name calling accomplishes nothing. You name calling to me doesn't change my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

OP here. Ummmm, ok. This is weird. I did actually move back to where they are. But I refuse to believe you stop being interested in your own children.

Ok I can call what you say weird but then it becomes "I know you are but what am I"-name calling accomplishes nothing. You name calling to me doesn't change my thoughts.

I didn't call you weird ... ranting about Utah and Maine is weird. What does that even mean?

[Anonymous]

My mom pretty much only asks/talks about my son now. I think she doens't know much about my life. I'm fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

OP here. Ummmm, ok. This is weird. I did actually move back to where they are. But I refuse to believe you stop being interested in your own children.

Ok I can call what you say weird but then it becomes "I know you are but what am I"-name calling accomplishes nothing. You name calling to me doesn't change my thoughts.

I didn't call you weird ... ranting about Utah and Maine is weird. What does that even mean?

Ok you are clever! I now realized what I typed with my own hands, doesn't make sense! I can't even figure out what it means! Oh, ha ha no.

Cleverness isn't going to make someone you don't actually like give you attention as their penance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

Saying she doesn't care about overstepping (she doesn't - and I should have said "my whole life") doesn't make her an awful person. It's a personality trait that is true in her case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

Saying she doesn't care about overstepping (she doesn't - and I should have said "my whole life") doesn't make her an awful person. It's a personality trait that is true in her case.

Who believes this backtracking? Anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

Saying she doesn't care about overstepping (she doesn't - and I should have said "my whole life") doesn't make her an awful person. It's a personality trait that is true in her case.

Who believes this backtracking? Anyone?

I do! Some of us know exactly where OP’s coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

Saying she doesn't care about overstepping (she doesn't - and I should have said "my whole life") doesn't make her an awful person. It's a personality trait that is true in her case.

Who believes this backtracking? Anyone?

All I know is OP posted "Anyone else experiencing this?" and when others provide plausible reasons she shoots down any of those as being possible. IMO that is tantamount to having a one-sided conversation about a topic where the other person can't offer up any input or suggestions because they will be WRONG no matter what.

Sound familiar? I think OP's parents probably do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason is simply multi-generation communication variances. It isn't always due to evil intent or narcissism (a pop-psychology diagnosis thrown around WAY too much, IMO).

As others stated many parents don't want to ask about things because they'd be accused of prying. Even when an adult child just "vents" about something, the older parent also wants to avoid commenting. If it's about work, they may know nothing about current work challenges, and don't see these issues as important. If the topic is a family vacation, they weren't there and won't have much input after listening to the basics - "We had a great time. The kids did such and such. Food was wonderful."

So what do they do? They make a few brief comments and then turn the conversation back to themselves as that's what they know they can talk about without overstepping into their adult kids' lives.

OP here. I can assure you my mom has never cared about overstepping a day in her life, so that's not her excuse. Might apply to others.

Ah the bitterness and contempt continues to emerge..."her whole life"...to you she has been awful her entire life, she was deformed from and never good enough, she just doesn't have it in her. So why expect anything from her now?

Saying she doesn't care about overstepping (she doesn't - and I should have said "my whole life") doesn't make her an awful person. It's a personality trait that is true in her case.

Who believes this backtracking? Anyone?

I do! Some of us know exactly where OP’s coming from.

Hey, thanks

[Anonymous]

Expect nothing. I’ve BTDT. They will not change. Divest yourself of emotional expectation. But also feel free to be a less attentive listener than you would in a more reciprocal arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.

I'm 8:46 and absolutely agree with this.