Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

Anyone can sense when someone is "trying hard" and it comes across as needy and yes, contemptful, as if you are just waiting with baited breath to see if they are "gosh just going to do right this time!" Also, the FIL didn't criticize you. Obviously you wanted a different response but that is not how humanity works, we can orchestrate what other people say. If this is your expectation everyone will disappoint you, and you are waiting around for everyone to be just a little bit better, to try harder, to not be avoidant--I assume this is your thought process.

PP and although I disagree I would
love to know how you’d handle this and would you be excited to start a lunch date tradition with someone who is generally disinterested in your life?

I am lost if you disagree why are you asking advice on how to handle, there is a contradiction here.

Is this AI or A1? What an odd jumble of words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Both of my grandmas were the matriarchs indeed as well, but they were, I don't know how to say it, GOOD matriarchs. My FOO is in Europe and both grandpas died during WWII, so the grandmas had to manage by themselves and were very resourceful. It was a very difficult time for them. Both grandmas were reasonable, loving, and always had good advice to give. It's more of like a person enters the room and they're respected, such were my grandmas. My mom and MIL on the other hand don't fill these shoes at all. It's as if they lack the personality, wisdom, and indeed the emotional maturity that is required. I can never imagine either of my grandmas behaving in the way I've seen my mom and MIL behave.

I find a lot of truth in this. Our great grandma was so accepting and loving, and gave awesome advice (when asked). Current situation is a mom and a MIL who have a “me me me!” mindset about everything. It’s like babysitting a toddler - I put so much effort in trying not to upset them and keeping them distracted if they don’t get their way.

This is interesting. We had matriarchs too, but they both grandmas were just as bad as my mother and my husband's grandma's were just as bad as his mother. The thing is both our mothers had the 'me,me,me" mindset from the get go, they just hid it better in their youth. Both his mother and mine also are highly manipulative and with age struggle far more with empathy. We too find is draining walking on eggshells.

We both have suggested volunteer work to mom since they have so much free time to stew in pity. My mother said something like "why would I volunteer to help others? People should be doing things for me!" My MIL tried it once and called a local newspaper to cover it! She got her hair done before and wore lots of makeup. She posed with the homeless. She needed as many people as possible to know she once tried to help someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and a few thoughts just after visiting my ILs this weekend. I earnestly tried to share some interesting stories, engage them in normal, idle chitchat.

My FIL asked me a follow up question but dropped in a personal criticism - after hearing I did a solo road trip, asked only if I ever get carsick on all of those winding roads. Like that’s your takeaway?

MIL asked me to describe said road trip/vacation in “just one word” [and then shut up] so she could talk about herself.

Neither even try to feign interest nor attempt to keep up their end of the conversation.

Literally leaving and MIL said to me, “we really need to do lunch.” I’ve turned over her request to DH - they can begin to have lunch dates, just the two of them.

Anyone can sense when someone is "trying hard" and it comes across as needy and yes, contemptful, as if you are just waiting with baited breath to see if they are "gosh just going to do right this time!" Also, the FIL didn't criticize you. Obviously you wanted a different response but that is not how humanity works, we can orchestrate what other people say. If this is your expectation everyone will disappoint you, and you are waiting around for everyone to be just a little bit better, to try harder, to not be avoidant--I assume this is your thought process.

PP and although I disagree I would
love to know how you’d handle this and would you be excited to start a lunch date tradition with someone who is generally disinterested in your life?

If you disagree, they why are you following up them with request for help on the very same topic?

[Anonymous]

It makes me sad, but my mom is the same way. She has a hearing aid, but I swear it doesn’t work correctly. Talking over people, not listening when I talk, interrupting- I think it’s 75% her lack of hearing and 25% losing her filter with age. She’s 73.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Both of my grandmas were the matriarchs indeed as well, but they were, I don't know how to say it, GOOD matriarchs. My FOO is in Europe and both grandpas died during WWII, so the grandmas had to manage by themselves and were very resourceful. It was a very difficult time for them. Both grandmas were reasonable, loving, and always had good advice to give. It's more of like a person enters the room and they're respected, such were my grandmas. My mom and MIL on the other hand don't fill these shoes at all. It's as if they lack the personality, wisdom, and indeed the emotional maturity that is required. I can never imagine either of my grandmas behaving in the way I've seen my mom and MIL behave.

I find a lot of truth in this. Our great grandma was so accepting and loving, and gave awesome advice (when asked). Current situation is a mom and a MIL who have a “me me me!” mindset about everything. It’s like babysitting a toddler - I put so much effort in trying not to upset them and keeping them distracted if they don’t get their way.

This is interesting. We had matriarchs too, but they both grandmas were just as bad as my mother and my husband's grandma's were just as bad as his mother. The thing is both our mothers had the 'me,me,me" mindset from the get go, they just hid it better in their youth. Both his mother and mine also are highly manipulative and with age struggle far more with empathy. We too find is draining walking on eggshells.

We both have suggested volunteer work to mom since they have so much free time to stew in pity. My mother said something like "why would I volunteer to help others? People should be doing things for me!" My MIL tried it once and called a local newspaper to cover it! She got her hair done before and wore lots of makeup. She posed with the homeless. She needed as many people as possible to know she once tried to help someone else.

My grandma was also quite selfish. I think it's just age making you not care anymore about niceties. LOL at volunteering because my mom said exactly the same thing! She moved here to be near grandkids.
"I don't even know what day it is. I have nothing to do and I don't have any friends in this area."
"Why don't you volunteer at (thrift shop). All the ladies there are your age and you'll have someone to talk to."
"I'm not working for free unless it's for the family. Plus I don't like getting up early." This is a wealthy lady who rises at noon every day. She also admonished me for donating blood because "you need ALL your blood and who knows what kind of lowlife is getting it."

[Anonymous]

Quote: "The rare time she tries to show interest or be emotionally supportive it turns into her needing me to soothe her anxiety so it just makes things worse and more exhausting." I've been through this as well. It's the most absurd outcome, because you think it cannot get worse... it well can. I have to say that some of the stories here are absolutely comical though! Who knew that one day I'll be laughing about the sad painful reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

They know asking questions would create more trouble than not asking any. They walk on egg shells around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just interrupt by putting your hand on her arm and say "Mom, we're considering moving to Alaska and becoming a whale blubber expert. Can I talk to you about it?"

This^. Much easier than seething in rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just interrupt by putting your hand on her arm and say "Mom, we're considering moving to Alaska and becoming a whale blubber expert. Can I talk to you about it?"

I have tried and it’s shocking how she will be like “oh nice” and just continue on with her stories. I’ve never seen someone so self absorbed.

Do you ask what's going on with their health, marriage, finances etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

I don’t care to engage with someone who is not capable of thinking of what something might be like from someone else’s perspective so this will be my last reply to you but you know nothing about my life. And also to your other point, why would my parents want to hear about my life? Maybe because they should be interested in me/their adult children and their grandchildren. I certainly am very interested in my kids so I know for sure I’ll never act the way my parents do (totally disinterested and bored) when my kids tell me about their lives.

You are very clear on the set in stone checklist of what parents should do for you since you procreate. What is on the set in stone checklist of what you do for your parents?

Good questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fresh off of Easter and realizing my parents ask virtually zero questions about our (me, DH and DC’s) lives. We were together for 5 hours and there wasn’t a single question. We are potentially considering some big life changes (moving, job changes, etc) but they would have no clue. And before you say, “just tell them” I can’t. My mom in particular just talks at everyone about herself the entire time. It’s impossible to get a word in edge-wise. I feel like this is so bizarre and getting worse over time.

It’s mind boggling to me to not be interested in your child’s life. Anyone else experiencing this?

Yes. We have two mothers like this. They talk about themselves and rarely ask a question about us. They won't change, so you can either deal with it or see them less often.

[Anonymous]

For the last three trips home (usually I stay a week or two) I decided not to talk about my life or my kid’s to see how long it would take either of my parents to ask “How are you doing? What is going on in your life?” But they never did.

It’s just who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the last three trips home (usually I stay a week or two) I decided not to talk about my life or my kid’s to see how long it would take either of my parents to ask “How are you doing? What is going on in your life?” But they never did.

It’s just who they are.

They "are" not anything...nothing they have done or not doesn't ascribe to them character traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad, but my mom is the same way. She has a hearing aid, but I swear it doesn’t work correctly. Talking over people, not listening when I talk, interrupting- I think it’s 75% her lack of hearing and 25% losing her filter with age. She’s 73.

My inlaws hear just fine (73) and only want to talk about themselves. They ask few, if any, personal questions about us, even including their own son. My MIL forgot what grade my daughter was in! But they will yap on forever about their recent trip to Italy or the landscaping committee drama in their neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Just got back from a morning with my mom who spent the morning telling me about:
-how hot she was when she was young and how much harassment she used to get at work
-the extravagant dates men used to take her on
(I've heard these umpteen times)
-that she doesn't feel like helping during her townhouse spring gardening cleanup
-Details of her shopping trip to Walmart complete with fashion show
Then at the end: "What about Dad's medical stuff? What did the doctor say?" "Oh, I don't know. It's all Greek to me."