Parents never ask questions about our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

I don’t care to engage with someone who is not capable of thinking of what something might be like from someone else’s perspective so this will be my last reply to you but you know nothing about my life. And also to your other point, why would my parents want to hear about my life? Maybe because they should be interested in me/their adult children and their grandchildren. I certainly am very interested in my kids so I know for sure I’ll never act the way my parents do (totally disinterested and bored) when my kids tell me about their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

I don’t care to engage with someone who is not capable of thinking of what something might be like from someone else’s perspective so this will be my last reply to you but you know nothing about my life. And also to your other point, why would my parents want to hear about my life? Maybe because they should be interested in me/their adult children and their grandchildren. I certainly am very interested in my kids so I know for sure I’ll never act the way my parents do (totally disinterested and bored) when my kids tell me about their lives.

You are very clear on the set in stone checklist of what parents should do for you since you procreate. What is on the set in stone checklist of what you do for your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This describes my ILs of decades. Both are incredibly self focused and together they are “politely disinterested” in most everything.

It’s so isolating and as the years go by, awkward. They take a true surface interest in their adult GC but have never seemed the type to ask questions or really engage in meaningful conversation.

I’ve known my ILs for 30 years and while I could complete their family tree and their work and health histories (and remember everything), ILs know very little about me.

Learned after having DC that this is the way they are but still it’s ruined relationships. My oldest DC has limited contact with them due to
rude comments and constant criticism.

It's probably a midwest thing. I would disengage. You cannot change them them. But you can move away froths toxic backwards environment for your kids. The earlier the better.

[Anonymous]

I’ve posted here about it before but my mom has not asked me a question about my life since November 2020. I’ve been keeping track. It’s really hard and strange to experience, especially because it feels to embarrassing to talk about with others. I now limit visits to every other year and phone calls to once a month because our relationship just feels like a monologue that I’m watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

So you’re a failure to launch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

OP here. I just want to be able to have a normal back and forth conversation about our lives. I listen to her and engage but don't get the same in return, which makes for a frustrating relationship. I've asked my mom for help with childcare probably 5x in 10 years, so certainly not asking for help... not logistically, financially, emotionally. Just a normal back and forth conversation. As a parent, I just think it's super bizarre to not show any interest in your child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

You’ve obviously never dealt with narcissistic, self involved parents or in laws before.

I disagree with your pretense so you comment makes no sense to me.

You.have chosen to live a life separate from your parents. Your narration about your life choices is not a life for them. Modern technology lets us talk at each other but not exist together. You all here make big adult decisions on your own, why would your parents want to hear chatter about them?

OP here. This response makes no sense. Even if you see your parents semi-regularly, there are certain aspects of your life that will be separate regardless - work, your child's school/activities, etc. Again, I wouldn't ask my parents' advice in much, in more about having a socially normal conversation where there's back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

Thissssssssss.
I don’t bog down my parents w serious life stuff we have going on.. Nor do they bog us down ..

If it comes up great - if not great.

We simply give our parents less to worry about and discuss far as my family is concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

Thissssssssss.
I don’t bog down my parents w serious life stuff we have going on.. Nor do they bog us down ..

If it comes up great - if not great.

We simply give our parents less to worry about and discuss far as my family is concerned.

OP here ... I have no idea how this thread got so twisted that I was trying to burden my parents with serious life stuff ... I've never once discussed things like finances with them. And lord knows they burdened me with their financial issues my entire adolescence and young adulthood. Still do to this day. Complain they have no money but go on luxury vacations 3-4x/year. Money and health ailments are quite literally 98% of their topics of conversation.

For me, I'm just talking about a normal back and forth conversation - how's work going/any interesting new projects around the house/what's new with DD's activitiy/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there are an equal number of complaints from Op's age group that parents ask too many questions, are too nosey or hurt someone's feelings with what is perceived as unsolicited advice.

Op, next visit, ahead of the next visit maybe you email with a friendly update on your news. That way there can be some prep for talking about it.

Sure I could do that, but that kind of defeats the purpose of normal conversation and parents being interested in their own children.

Lots of guilt tripping here. You all are off living your own lives, assumably not living lives with your parents. Hearing "updates" on what people are doing in their separate lives is exhausting and brings on feelings of powerlessness and lack of agency, that actually isn't living a life with someone. Find a way to exist with your parents. Live near them or vist to help them in their daily lives, so you don't have to have the meta talks about separate existences. You would instead have shared experiences. But, if what you really want is help--help making decision, help with childcare, help with marriage tensions, jus say you want help, and they can say yes or no.

Thissssssssss.
I don’t bog down my parents w serious life stuff we have going on.. Nor do they bog us down ..

If it comes up great - if not great.

We simply give our parents less to worry about and discuss far as my family is concerned.

OP here ... I have no idea how this thread got so twisted that I was trying to burden my parents with serious life stuff ... I've never once discussed things like finances with them. And lord knows they burdened me with their financial issues my entire adolescence and young adulthood. Still do to this day. Complain they have no money but go on luxury vacations 3-4x/year. Money and health ailments are quite literally 98% of their topics of conversation.

For me, I'm just talking about a normal back and forth conversation - how's work going/any interesting new projects around the house/what's new with DD's activitiy/etc.

So they irritate you and you have a simmering dislike of them, and they need to make amends for their poor behavior by participating in emotionally neutral banter that actually isn't that at all on your end? Every interaction is a test--are they now attending to ME after they did not do this so well in my childhood?

They see all of this and are not going to play along. As adults, we know the look and feel and tension of these "tests", the watchful, angry, and desperate eyes behind the fake smiles and questions. Is is the combination of anger and desparation that is nauseating and off-putting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. It’s so hard, I feel you op. I’ve always known it was all about her but the nail in the coffin that made me just not care anymore was when my husband was deployed, the kids and I were all having a hard week with him being gone, I dropped the ball on my daughter being student of the week and didn’t bring anything in, sports for the week were chaotic, the house was piling up. I called her crying just to vent and she said “ugh I know how frustrated you are my computer isn’t working!” And kept trying to fix her computer.

I’ve just stopped caring. I don’t call anymore because when I do it’s 30 minutes all about her. My dad on the other hand is great and wants to hear about our lives.

The common theme I see with these comments is that women are not happy that their parents will not listen to them talk about their problems in their nuclear family (so not involving the "mean" parents), or their kids, or a combination of both. Maybe the parents do not want to get involved, because they were not involved in the life choices that got you to where you are with the problems or or the kids, they had no agency or choice in events, so they feel helpless. Are they just to be a listening ear, with no ability to change things? So yes, you can try phsically accosting them by putting your arm on them to stop them and force them to "hear me!", but is that really what you want to do? "Love me!" as a demand never works.

OP here. I'm not trying to discuss any "problems" just basic life stuff.

Why?

DP. Why does OP want to have a normal human back and forth conversation with her parents? How is this hard to understand?

What she is looking for is not normal if she is forcing something. Not everyone does the tell.me what your whole separate life is like in Utah while I give you the blow by blow on my like in Maine. If she wanted to live life with her parents, she could have moved to their town after college and exist with them as a single person who has her own place, but can keep.her parents as her sole immediate family. But, once you get a kids and a husband that you choose, others do not have to be super excited about them.